To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

How is she a fussy eater?

She has an allergy to one thing (pils we’re incredibly out of order, not to mention dangerous, not flagging this to the restaurant if they had pre ordered meals especially as they will have been asked if there were any allergies to be aware of).

So the only thing she doesn’t like is lamb. Do you literally like every food in the world? Is there not ONE thing you don’t eat?

I think pre-deciding the entire menu for 20 people is bonkers. Yes, it's their celebration but why wouldn't you want people to eat food they enjoy. They could still have had salmon and lamb if that's what they liked.

Could you not have just eaten whatever came with the lamb? Presumably there were vegetables or something. You could have said that you were allergic to salmon, though I understand that if you were expecting a main course you could eat you might have thought it wasn’t worth it and then the moment would have passed. I’m sure they could have brought you a bread role to fill you up a bit at least. You should have spoken up. Pretty poor of them to forget your salmon allergy though.

That starter and main would be my idea if hell. Did they notice you didn’t eat? What did your husband say?
What u should have done is asked the restaurant to take the plate away and just bring vegetables and potatoes with no meat juices. It astounds me that people invite people to THEIR party and then treat them like shit and don’t think about their needs. It really would not have been hard for them to say you were vegetarian . I would never have guests and give them something they don’t like. All those people saying you are entitled and fussy just ignore that. You have every right to be annoyed. Your husband should also be cross that you were treated like this.

I don't think you're a fussy eater.
However, I highly doubt that the restaurant would have made you sit downstairs and if you didn't speak up, how would you know this. It's a shame your pils didn't think of your requirements, however, you're an adult and can make reasonable decisions.

Exactly! I don’t eat lamb or steak. I just asked my DP if I was a fussy eater and he’s still laughing

shellfish, anchovies, sushi, pink burgers, pickles, spicy food, I eat most stuff but I can’t touch lamb and I dislike steak

Allergy, that’s a problem. It’s just standard to ask when hosting anything if there’s any allergies. I would have thought the restaurant would ask that too. My parents though - now 80s - would not think about it themselves unless it was specifically brought up.

Not liking lamb, I’d suck it up. There’s 20 people to consider (or not) and you’re there to celebrate their wedding anniversary.

@Shardlake63 it was either sheer ignorance or nastiness.
Is have went downstairs and ate . I’d be rallying unhappy traveling and spending to starve .
Id you had went downstairs they would have realised to maybe show more consideration.
Your husband thought it be rude . What did he make of his parents ?

Two things is not a fussy eater

If you have an allergy then you should have checked when they told you about the event. With 20 guests there may be multiple people with intolerances and allergies to accommodate and it isn’t for the PIL to have knowledge and remembered all of these. Friends and family of mine have allergies. If we book ahead a set meal they will say “have you remembered to tell them about my allergy?” Rather than just assume it’s been remembered. If there is food I can’t or won’t eat, then I would ask what the meal was and I would have said to the PIL “I can’t eat those, is it OK if I contact the place to ask about a veggie alternative? Or would you be happy to order me the veggie options please?” I wouldn’t turn up expecting my allergies and preferences to be accommodated in a large group of diners and having not checked with anyone in advance. This is on you, sorry.

I can't imagine being in a situation where I didn't know what the meal arrangement was beforehand, and couldn't ask the waiting staff for an alternative. You must have realised the issue once the salmon was out so could have asked for something else. Next time speak up!

I'm really stuck on the gravy issue.... I don't understand why you couldn't ask for 1) no gravy (& give your meat to your DH) or 2) no meat and no gravy....

Lots of people (everyone?!) likes to control their own gravy. Seriously, what restaurant pre-gravys? Especially in veg?!

Had you asked the restaurant they would at least have made you a cheese sandwich.

Am I the only person who suspects that this was a 'cheap deal'? The gravy being served already poured and the no-options thing?

I think PILs might have been cost-cutting.

Sounds like a plated meal in a cheapo place.

ive already replied saying the allergy issue was bad but thinking about it more. There’s loads of instances where I’ve been served up meals I don’t like….weddings, industry black tie dinners, charity functions.

If you’re going down the single meal route you don’t generally consider likes and dislikes of everyone attending. My friend can’t stand anything with garlic in - the slightest hint and she doesn’t touch it. I’m with you and don’t like lamb, my husband can’t abide fish. How would you ever decide on a meal - unless you served up a bland chicken type dish which isn’t much of a celebration for the couple.

I think @gannett nails it with her post

There’s no way as a host I’d be able to remember multiple people’s dietary requirements so if the in laws chose somewhere with a set menu and the restaurant asked if anyone had any allergies they absolutely should have messaged their guests to ask. It’s ridiculous they didn’t.

Also can’t fathom how anyone think OP is a fussy eater! One item they are allergic to and the other makes them gag. So that’s one thing out of many they don’t eat.

But that said, I can’t get my head round how this played out in real life! If it was me in that situation no way would I have just sat there and only eaten a dessert and did what my DH said. I would have politely and calmly told my DH to get stuffed when he said it was rude to leave and nipped out to speak properly to someone in the restaurant. Or when they came round with food, would have outright said I’m sorry I have an allergy or I’m vegetarian. Being assertive and advocating for yourself can be done calmly and discreetly it doesn’t have to be confrontational

If after that, the restaurant were really ridiculous enough to not be able to bring an alternative dish cooked in the other kitchen up to the room then at least you’d have done all you can and it is on the in laws for choosing a ridiculous place and not being thoughtful enough to actually tell their guests 1 there is a set menu and 2 ask if there are any allergies

Pretty much what I assumed. No choice, everything covered in gravy - sounds like they had the 20 plates out the back all ready to go (being charitable, maybe so that nobody had to wait, they were all served at the same time). But even cheapo places usually serve the gravy separately, don't they? So that vegetarians can 'eat the veg and leave the meat'? This sounds more like a Weatherspoons than an actual restaurant.

You stand up for yourself and say very politely in a loud voice to the server 'I am really sorry but I am unable to eat from this menu as I am intolerant to both salmon and lamb. Please can you bring me the main house menu so I can choose from that. Job done. Is there any point in being offended when at the end of the day it is your responsibility to stand up for yourself? This blame culture we live in throws the responsibility onto other people when they may not even have thought about it. If you want something in adult life you have to vocalise your needs and wants or else they will get overlooked in the scrum of people wanting to be 'Me first!.'

Actually the update doesn't clearly state that at all. The OP didn't ask, she assumed if she ordered downstairs she would have to eat down there.

Anyway, back to my gravy issue...... how? Why? What? .... a meal that is precooked off-site & smothered in gravy for reheating, with no option to remove the gravy? Bonkers!

I'd just have not eaten it then got fish n chips on the way home. Doesn't seem worth fussing about.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat yep - this was a cheaply special - to be honest I would rather not bother if I was them and it was a ‘ this is it’ kind of offering . Be better with a moderately priced catered buffet

@Shardlake63 did anyone notice that you weren’t eating anything? Did PIL apologise for forgetting about your allergy?They sound like a horrible family and your husband doesn’t sound very caring either.

OK, I think having so strong a dislike to lamb/any non-allergy related food that you can’t eat it is ‘fussy’ in the context the OP uses it. I don’t like the phrase as it’s got moralising overtones and I wouldn’t describe restricted eaters as pains in the arse - your poor man with the cucumber and baguette, I bet he’d love to be able to eat more things, it’s socially isolating when you can’t.

Yes I would absolutely find this to be poor behaviour on their part. It's really bad hosting. Unusually bad. Weddings you get a set menu but chosen beforehand.

It's also poor on the part of the restaurant. It's not like allergies, intolerances and intense dislikes are new news.