To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

That’s why if you can’t do one of the most basic rules of hosting/throwing a party, you don’t host even more so if you can’t afford it.

Plus, most would not be happy if the food went to waste considering the money spent.

He picked only what he liked for everyone and chose not to tell them what they were having at a restaurant, leading everyone to believe they could choose what they desired when they arrived.

There was no reason he could have not asked for help with this or his wife could have mentioned it to one of their children. To be fair, I’m wondering if anyone asked if they needed help considering their ages and he said no.

My own grandparents had a large buffet style party at their own 50th wedding anniversary and it was organised by their children at their church, granted there were 10 adult children, most local.

On top of that salmon and lamb are not universally liked. If there were no extra requirements within the group and you weren't being considerate enough to give multiple options something like soup for starters and chicken for main would probably be more to most people's palate.

Agree. The only thing that would have been eaten on my side of the family was the dessert. Most don’t like both and are particular about how their salmon is cooked, and my mother and sister wouldn’t have touched either but all of the family eat chicken, beef, and pork. DH’s side, maybe his dad and DH and I would try every course (be quietly annoyed about the gravy bit) but not his mother, sister and her children, his vegetarian brother and SIL and their kids, my oldest would try both whether he ate it was a different story, middle would eat the lamb, youngest is a tot so would depend on how it was cooked.

usual thing. If you think the post is a fake then report it.

YANBU. Cantankerous people get away with too much selfishness. It’s a form of bullying. Chalk it up to experience and be prepared for thoughtlessness in the future.

It's not straight forward, particularly if the people aren't necessarily tech savy enough to create a google form or similar.

First the organiser has to ask people to confirm they're coming and their choice of menu. Half will answer about coming to the dinner, but not give their choice. They will need to be reminded to reply. Some will then reply without reading the question properly e.g. will choose the beef starter and the chicken main when its the opposite that exists. They will have to be asked again. Those who have still not given their choices will need to be chased again, etc.
The on the day, most of the people won't even remember what they ordered so the organiser will have to be going around with the list telling the waiter what everybody is having or even, as requested by some restaurants, making up signs to put before each person noting their menu option. It can be a lot of work.

@Gwenhwyfar , you are over-complicating it. You can do all that with paper and pencil.

I agree that people can forget and some are incapable of comprehending and replying to a simple question.

In OP's case, there would have been 20-N salmons and N veggie starters, 20-M lamb and M mains.

If it's too complicated, don't do it.

The restaurant asked OP's FIL about allergies and he remembered the guest with the peanut allergy but not OP's salmon allergy. FIL didn't bother to check with his guests.

Thanks. Still seems inconsiderate to assume everyone likes salmon and lamb!

"For those of you saying IABU for not checking the set menu beforehand and that it was on me to do so, you have obviously missed what I've said in one of my previous posts. We were NOT informed it was a set menu. Nor did we know that the choice of menu had already been decided for us. We only found this out when we arrived and were already seated at the restaurant. We were simply told that PILs had booked a meal to celebrate their wedding anniversary at X restaurant on X day at X time."

You weren't told anything about the menu beforehand. The restaurant didn't know about your food issues. The PILs were busy organising the occasion and didn't take your issues into account, for whatever reason. You, however, did know about your issues and knew that you knew nothing of the menu, but just made assumptions. You chose not to just quickly check beforehand that the menu would suit you, bearing in mind the possibility, albeit small to you, that you would have a problem.

One quick call from the person most invested in the meal of one person (you) would have either set your mind at rest, or, as in this case, given you the opportunity to make a suitable arrangement. You say that the restaurant could have provided an alternative, but it would take too long. But if you had asked the day before, you could have expected it to be ready with the rest of the food.

You were the person who knew - and cared - the most, but you decided to do nothing and then blame the people who had arranged and organised (and paid for?) the occasion for not remembering your requirements and taking them into account. They also had 19 other people to consider who may have raised all sorts of issues, not necessary food-related.

Well, exactly. It was too complicated for FIL so he went for just one meal, probably as things were done in his childhood.

OP lives 200 miles away so the questions and answers in the family would probably have to be via email, messaging or phone calls, not just pencil and paper. It's an annoying process as anyone who's had to compile replies will know.

Leave me alone @Gwenhwyfar . Your prods are annoying.
I'm no longer watching the thread.

Are you serious? Almost all people have something they don’t like. Should we all, when invited to a restaurant meal out, call the restaurant in advance to check it’s not a single option set meal and what has been chosen?

Really, we’re all slovenly face stuffing dustbins?
I have no food allergies, must be lucky then I suppose, and only two dislikes that I’ve come across..fresh celery and butter beans…..everyone has food preferences……..
But if any meal that’s been served to me has either of these, I’ve just pushed them to one side and eaten the rest. I certainly don’t expect a whole room full of people to have to adjust their menus for my preferences

well if the Op is invited by her pils again she certainly should!

Neither did the OP, she assumed, as I would have done, that being invited to a restarant with no mention of needing to choose in advance would mean that she could choose on the night. And yes you are lucky indeed if you have no food intolerances or allergies.

its not difficult, I have done it. You send round an email saying "the choices are this." You send a text saying check your emails (belt and braces) you give a closing date for replies and say "if you don't reply you will get this starter this main this dessert" You say all questions relating to allergies, ask the restaurant directly. You say first replies will be taken as final replies, no changes of mind. If you are really kind you send a reminder. You collate replies job done. If you are really idle you delegate a family member to do it for you.

3luckystars
How is disliking lamb and being allergic to salmon make the op a ," fussy "eater "

@Teacaketravesty how is not eating salmon or lamb a fussy eater..

It's very rude & inconsiderate of them to choose a meal their daughter-in-law can't eat, even if they think you're fussy. My husband doesn't eat fish or cheese & my parents arranged a different starter & no cheese on the potatoes for a recent family celebration. I certainly wouldn't put myself out for them in the future if I were you as they clearly aren't kind towards you.

OP said the rest of the meal was covered with lamb gravy! These days it's pretty standard to take people's eating preferences/allergies into account, and this meal was only for 20 people, so really not that difficult to cater for considerately! I think they're clearly thougtless pricks!

Absolutely this. A few weeks ago I organised a restaurant lunch for 20 people for DH's birthday. It was very little hassle, everyone had a choice of 4-5 starters and 4-5 mains (desserts could be chosen on the day). All people had to do was tick a box - well, 2 boxes - and return their selections to me to collate. Couldn't have been much easier.

Honestly if you can't even be arsed to make this level of minimal effort to cater to your guests, you're probably better off not bothering to organise a meal at all.

@thing47 I agree. My guess is that her FIL seldom organizes meals ( perhaps never?) and was clueless. He didn’t think to specify anything, not even a simple request such as please serve the gravy on the side, and the restaurant was only too happy to provide such an low-fuss easy meal from their perspective.

Anyone who’s ever catered for a group would’ve done this differently!

Last time I did this was for a group of 30 people.
I asked for selections by a certain date, & had very few replies.

I then sent an e-mail saying that if I didn't hear within 3 days I would put them down for the vegan options. It worked!

You do well to give a deadline after which they will get a default meal, but what you've described above is still a few steps and you've missed out the part when most people have forgotten what they ordered and the organiser has to go around with a list reminding them.

I'll remember that for next time.
The vegan option was obviously not popular!

Yes, but none of that is really a big pain compared to the whole party enjoying themselves properly. Like many posters I suspect I've done it for both work and personal events and it really isn't the biggest inconvenience, particularly when it's people you care about. I suspect for an event like this someone else would gladly have taken it on as a favour to the hosts.