To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

There was no requirement for them to order on everyone's behalf though. Very strange choice imo

YABU because you failed to ask the staff for an alternative.

As a meal, it was thoughtless on your PIL’s side. However, did you ask the restaurant staff for an alternative? If you didn’t, you ABU.

I think generational differences may play a part. I am very diligent about checking this sort of stuff, partly as I seem to know so many people with children with allergies. My in-laws would be far more likely to think there was nothing to worry about with their relatives, (and my in-laws could plan a meal for their family without a single vegetarian involved), and forget individual ones in the planning of an event if not a big ticket ‘threat of death’ type one that scared them. Obviously that’s a generalisation but I don’t think most of my relatives - at 70+ - would engage a lot other than to think what sounded like the nicest meal.

For the restaurant not to do a verbal ‘no one with allergies, is that right?’ is odd though.

Whilst I agree it was thoughtless of them, maybe they dont know as well as you think. I also think you may have been playing the martyr a bit, I'm sure a word in the staffs ear could have produced an alternative ie sides without gravy and a fruit juice starter; few restaurants would want you sitting there hungry.
Did you really have no idea of what you were eating until it was put in front of you?

I think I would have just asked the staff to bring me the plate of vegetables without the gravy

yanbu op, lamb is gross and also poor baby lambs 😢 🐑

That’s very poor hosting.
Were there no veggie alternatives offered?

I wouldn’t have eaten the salmon either. ☹️

Did you speak to the staff serving to ask if there were any veggie options? If they are a restaurant, surely there were alternatives they could offer?

In your shoes, I wouldn’t have been worried about appearing fussy. Fuck that, I’m not starving myself for anyone and I’d have happily paid extra for my own meals.

Just to clarify on a couple of points:-
The restaurant did ask my in-laws about allergies/vegetarians at the time of booking. They mentioned another relatives peanut allergy, but forgot to tell them about my salmon allergy. My husband's relatives are mainly from farming stock, all confirmed meat eaters and not a single vegetarian amongst them!
The private room had a separate kitchen to the restaurant downstairs. The food was pre-ordered and any alternatives had to be ordered at the time of booking. Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.
We were not told that it was a set meal until after we arrived, we assumed - wrongly as it turned out - that there would be choices.

You should've spoken to the staff, they'd have been able to bring you something without the bits you didn't like (even if that was dry potatoes and vegetables). Yes, your in-laws forgot about your requirements and that's a shame. But you should've limited the impact on you by at least trying to get a vegetarian option. It would have been less embarrassing for everyone than just sitting with untouched food.

What makes you say there was no requirement for them to order on everyone’s behalf? In my experience if you have the private dining room for a large group then restaurants always asks you to take a set menu, tasting menu or similar. Obviously I haven’t been everywhere but I’ve never personally come across a private dining set up that would allow a la carte on the night. So it seems reasonable enough to me that the restaurant would have insisted on this. And probably the ILs just went for what they like whilst forgetting about OP’s allergy and dietary preferences.

They were pretty rude.
Another lamb hater here and smoked salmon gives me the ick.
Although I’d have not given a single fuck what my husband found rude and gotten another meal. Saying that my DH would have probably come with me and eaten downstairs if need be. No drama etc, just one of those things. We’re too keen on not being hungry I think 😂

Believe me - the Op is NOT a fussy eater just because she won’t eat salmon or lamb.
She’s said that salmon makes her come out in a rash and she can’t abide the smell of lamb. That’s 2 things she can’t eat for good reasons.
If you want to see “fussy”, then you come in over to my family!! They’re pains in the arses! My Aunt won’t eat about a hundred different foods; “oh no - I can’t eat tomatoes”, “there isn’t garlic in that is there?”, “the only meat I eat is duck”, “can’t stand creamy things”.
Then my SIL’s DH is even worse. You go to a wedding or party where there is an amazing buffet and the only things on his plate is cucumber and baguette.
So, no, I wouldn’t call not eating salmon or lamb fussy.

Are you saying the staff serving you told you that on the night? They literally said 'If you want something other than the pre-ordered set menu, it cannot come from the private room kitchen, and you will have to go downstairs, order it and eat it in the main restaurant?'

You’re not a child? You could have said something at the beginning about a veg option.

Your husband felt it would be rude! I would have been extremely hangry at that point and he would have regretted opening his mouth to tell me what I could and could not do.

Just eat the lamb. What's the issue?

Sounds like a totally crap restaurant if they really wouldn’t carry a plate upstairs to accommodate a private dining guest whose allergy had been missed. And also based on your update it’s completely fair enough that you’re annoyed given you reminded the in laws about the salmon allergy and they failed to tell the restaurant then worse made no effort to fix it on the night, especially when they could manage communicating the nut allergy for someone else.

My mother in law would just remember the "lamb and smoked salmon" part and then get it in to her head that they were things that were liked.

This.
I am the fussy eater police - I don't allow it in my home. We are all 'allowed' a couple of things we don't like, but NOT a list as long as your arm. But having an allergy/intolerance to salmon is not being fussy, and lamb is an acquired taste and many people don't like it. OP states she eats almost everything else. It's just two items that she doesn't happen to be on that menu. That doesn't make her fussy.

No restaurant would refuse to serve you a vegetarian dinner if you asked. While I can appreciate you don't like lamb, you simply needed to ask.

Yeah, I’d be more annoyed at the restaurant than my in-laws in this situation. It can’t be remotely uncommon to have someone forget an allergy or vegetarian diet in these situations. Not to be able to just bring up an alternative from their menu (charging for it if necessary) seems extraordinarily inflexible, unless it’s a tasting menu 20-heads-per-service place, which it doesn’t sound like.

Agree 100%

PPs are being really unfair calling you fussy or suggesting you could've eaten the sides - lamb is so strongly flavoured that even if it hadn't had the gravy added, you'd still have been able smell/taste it.

I personally love lamb but rarely eat it as my (very unfussy) DH can't bear the smell or taste of it. And obviously nothing to be done about the allergy to the smoked salmon.

Your PILs are dicks

If you have meal requirements or allergies, the onus is on you to raise them in advance and not assume other people will remember or cater for them. You should have checked arrangements with PIL and then asked for veggie alternative.