To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

As it was in a restaurant, they assumed that there would be a choice of starters and main courses. They weren't informed in advance of arriving at the restaurant that there was one meal option, like it or leave it.

Sorry I do think you are fussy if you don't eat two really common foods. Maybe if you owned the fact you are fussy rather than pretending you aren't then your requirements may have been more front of mind.

But with the amount of allergies, intolerances and dietary preferences nowadays picking a set menu for 20 people must be a bit of a nightmare. Unless you are making your owns needs known rather than saying you aren't fussy, when you actually are then this is your fault

I would have spoken up. I’m sure restaurant would have had an alternative. No way would I sit there with no food

I would have let family members feel however they wished and I would have told DH to pound salt if he didn't like me going and getting food I could eat.

Of course, in my case, my DH would have gone with me since he and I back each other up when necessary.

I don't understand why you could not have brought your plate back to the private dining room though. It just doesn't make sense and again, if that is the restaurant's "rule", they are a crap restaurant.

I think they were rude not to pass on the information about your salmon allergy and dislike of lamb to the restaurant so you could have been offered something else. I'd wonder if they'd done it deliberately.

I would have gone downstairs to get a meal there instead. So what if your DH thinks it's rude. You're supposed to travel 200 miles and then have nothing substantial to eat?

However, I do find it very odd that the restaurant weren't able to make some kind of compromise and provide you with something you could eat and also find it odd that you just sat there starving.

Any wedding I've been a full guest at either have a table menu on the day, a mixed buffet, or a menu emailed to me where I make my choice. It's usually either fish, veggie, or meat.

I haven't been to any wedding (or other celebration with a meal included) where there was no choice, it was either menu or buffet.

It is awkward to speak up at a in-laws celebration though as you do not want to be that person. Where was your DH in all of this? Mine would have done something quietly. I can imagine another type of DH would have happily gobbled up the meal you left. So which type is yours? Somewhere in the middle hopefully.

Surely the waiter would have double-check any allergies before serving? Even if you had 'pre-ordered'. AND if you had to pre-order, why did everyone have the same? And what kind of establishment has a private dining room but doesn't use the kitchen? Or wouldn't let you eat from that kitchen in the private room? It all sounds v complicated. I've forgotten what your order was now.

@Shardlake63 I see where you are coming from but as someone who suffers from Coeliac Disease whenever we are invited somewhere i will always ask / check, look up the place and menu's etc. Perhaps they forgot or didnt think. What i will say is if its a sitdown meal and they chose for everyone then they should have had more thought. I can only speak for myself but i consider it my responsibility to make sure there is food i can eat so i ask the questions before the event to make sure.

Well yes it is was really thoughtless of your PIL not to accommodate your dietary requirements and I would be a bit miffed too. However, if I had any kind of allergy, and such a strong dislike of something that it would put me off eating the sides, I would have at least double checked with my in-laws to that they hadn’t overlooked my requirements and/or spoken directly to the restaurant. This isn’t all on your in-laws.

@Gall10 , there is no way OP could have eaten the main course without the meat. It was covered in lamb gravy. If you don't like lamb, the smell is enough to make you gag.

I think people who like and are willing to eat everything are few and far between.
Often when people accuse someone of being ‘fussy’ it’s because you don’t like something they like and can’t imagine why.
I also eat almost everything. I don’t like seafood and actually I’m not allergic but I am intolerant to it anyway. My PIL called me fussy for 20 years because I wouldn’t eat it. However I could have listed a thousand things they wouldn’t eat because they were foreign or strange or not cooked how they liked.

I think adults are not allowed to eat things they don’t like.

Not fussy means you are happy to eat what is put in front of you, so the fact you wont eat 2 really common things means you are fussy. Surely most people assume that if you are forming part of a big party like 20 the restaurant will as you to pre-order; whether its one choice for everyone, or a set menu. I think with your dietary requirements, and the fact that dealing with fussy eaters isn't normal in his family the onus is on you to check.

Not eating salmon due to an allergy and having one other meat you don't eat is not fussy. You cant count the salmon and most ppl have a few things they dont like to eat.

You were in a restaurant. Why on earth wouldn't you ask the staff for an alternative? Even if you had to pay for it yourself it doesn't make any sense to sit there eating nothing. Are you a survivor of some kind of horrendous abusive childhood that taught you to have zero self-esteem and no capacity to advocate for yourself? I think you may need some counselling.

I don't have any food allergies but my child does. I call restaurants myself to discuss the food even if the host has already done so just so I am double sure everything is going to be ok. I would recommend going forward that you reach out to catering yourself.
With food allergies and intolerance being more common now I think it is hard for hosts so manage it all on top of party planning

I don’t understand - surely when the salmon arrived you said I’m allergic to salmon please take the plate away … and the restaurant did not say I’ll bring you something else? Or did you just sit there with salmon in front of you and not say anything?

How’s your relationship with them otherwise?

I’d think they were careless and not the greatest hosts, but if it’s the only incident I’d let it go.

I am pescetarian and have coealics. I always do my best to make it easy on people hosting or at parties etc. - offering to take food with me, checking with them or the restaurant for options etc.

But it does always make me a bit sad on the occasions when I have been considered at all by the hosts, so I understand how you feel. And it's not fun seeing everyone else enjoying a meal while you just sit there and then have to eat a pack of snacks in the car on the way home.

And it's happened to me before where restaurant wouldn't serve me something from the restaurant menu instead of the set menu if it hadn't been booked in advance.

My inlaws did something similar with me and they ignored my repeated (polite) comments way before the event, that I didn't eat meat and could I please have an alternative.

At the meal, I politely and quietly asked the waitress if I could have a vegetarian option or just the actual vegetables without the meat and they accommodated me.

It's very rude and inconsiderate of them if they knew about your reasons for not wanting salmon and lamb, but if they're like my inlaws, then they think they know best and don't give a damn so long as they get their own way.

Wow that’s a bit of a stretch. The OP has already explained why she couldn’t order an alternative on the fly. At least read all the OP’s comments before jumping to such ridiculous conclusions

I would have ordered myself something else from the restaurant menu as soon as I realised I couldn’t eat the preordered dinner.

Of course hubby thinks its rude for you to leave the party to eat but not rude of his parents to be so thoughtless there's no dinner for you to eat. These are your inlaws. If they forgot to think of you as their dil and they are decent ppl they would be mortified (as hosts )that you had no dinner and would not think its rude if you was hungry to go down and eat something.

So your PiLs know that you're allergic to salmon and can't stand lamb but they ordered a set meal of salmon and lamb? They sound horrible to me and I'd find it hard to forget this.

Oh and I'm sorry, OP, that this has gone a bit "cancel the cheque", with people repeating that you should have asked for something else when your update clearly states that you did ask and the restaurant wouldn't accommodate ...