AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

OP you are taking so much on from this thread not everyone is saying your daughter doesn’t need to claim, not everyone is saying you have caused this. If you want help ask for the thread to be moved to teenage section, or work or money. A lot of posters have taken the time to say that this type of behaviour not helping at home, not being proactive to work is common in their kids too. Just because some kids are better than others at forging a clear path in early teens doesn’t mean we should write them off if they fail. Support them by using all the helpful advice and seriously stop taking it all personally.

If mum holds £20, she makes sure her daughter will have the money for fares, interview clothes etc. £10 train fare, still leaves £60. Mum's broke she said.

Some weeks she won't have an interview, then the £70 gets spent anyway.
Take the money first, then sub if necessary. No need for grilling as to what it was spent on.

When you have dependents OP, you should be working to provide them with the very best you can.
This may come as a surprise but there a huge amount of working folk out there with horrific health problems/life limiting illnesses, but they work regardless of how unwell or exhausted they feel, because they have responsibilities and people/family/animals relying on them.

Being exhausted and feeling unwell is not a good enough reason, I’m sorry. I won’t bore you with my medical history, but it’s safe to say this topic riles me. You could at least try and find a part time job. Anything to improve the life for your children. You brought them into the world, you should be doing everything you can to improve things for them so that they don’t get stuck in this cycle.

Someone earlier on mentioned you have a victim mentality. I’m afraid you do. There are children relying on you here. Get help, work out what you can do even just part time to begin with.

Maybe you and your daughter can job hunt together?

A 18 and 19 year olds are not dependants though are they ?

in a single parent with the dad not being consistent with having them not as simple as everyone makes out
I’m going to do a different post in another part of Mumsnet where I can get advice on the point of the post which is my daughter the post wasn’t about me yet all ppl have spoke about is why am I not working

By your own words, she's not job seeking but lying in bed all day.
I was thinking you wanted tips for her leaving her bedroom and getting a job.

Your question should have been then, "How do I convince my daughter to make a claim for UC"?

You can't just keep posting on another board because you disagree with the answers here 🤣

I can because then I can report your comments if they are not sticking to the actual post a lot of people havnt stuck to the posit they’ve just made nasty comments about my past and my work status when the post was advice about my daughter not my work status

She won’t be claiming UC now anyway after all these nasty comments
of she doesn’t find a Job then I’ll just have to support her and shuffle financilly so don’t worry she won’t be claiming UC
hope one day you don’t end up in a bad position

You have 4 other children who are.

I think you’ll find lots of people have given you advice about your daughter, you just don’t want to hear it.

Convince her to claim UC? Who is doing that? No it was a SUGGESTION!! But she can live without money then till she finds a job which can be months but that’s ok

You might find she’s better off living without money so she gets the incentive to go out and get a job. If she suddenly has a few hundred quid in her pocket a month, she might not be quite as willing to go looking for a job,

Yeah this can be true but then if falls on me to support her and I came afford to do it. So your saying to tell her not to claim UC because that makes me wrong because it’s ’tax payers money ‘ and I shouldn’t be ‘convincing her’ but by me supporting her whilst she gets a job is going to cause me to visit food banks and be homeless so I guess as long she I do everything I can to stop her claiming UC then that’s ok because it’s what’s the woman of Mumsnet want

I would make it very clear to her that you are struggling to provide food for the family and as she is of working age, the priority for you is to feed the younger children. If your daughter has to eat beans on toast every night, then so be it.

Get her to claim it and charge her rent/board, a realistic one for the area.

I can’t get her to claim it now as I’ve been ridiculed on here for it, I wanted non judgemental help on here about my daughter but it’s turned into a slanging match on why I don’t work. And telling me not to ‘convince her’ to claim it so now I’m just going to have to deal with it and if she doesn’t find a job then so be it
I’m literally done with life now

Her dad is like you lot he’s told her not to claim UC too as he said her life is instantly over if she does but at the same time he’s not supporting her and leaves me to pick up the peices

You can do what you want OP. No-one is stopping you doing anything.
People have expressed their opinions, that’s all. You are entitled to ignore them and do what you see fit.

OP do you think you might have fibromaylgia? It can be caused by PTSD but it's rare without other autoimmune disease.

I've stuck up for you regarding feckless ex partners as I've seen it with my niece (who lives in poverty) and my best friend who has been in abusive relationships. She keeps finding big romance with a holes.

I have a 22 year old and it's taken ages to get a job.
It isn't that easy but your daughter needs to try. I used a whistle to get my DD out of bed, ditto the pp who suggested a hoover.
You sound depressed if you would consider ending your life. My mother was difficult but she died far too young. Don't deprive your kids, you're all they have.

Tomorrow is another day. Make a new plan. I worked when my son was 10 days old and although I have a big job now Im on sick leave. It's soul destroying. I get nowt either. Work does help MH.
Your DD can resit her exams or do a foundation course at uni but she'll need her maths and English. Has she got those?

Of course you bullies will say that now you’ve bullied me on this thread into thinking I’m the bad guy and it makes me a bad mum if she claims UC your damage has already been done I asked advice about a 19 year old not about me but I’ve learnt my lesson never to come on this forum and asked advice the moderators allowing this bullying on here is actually m disgusting

This is a forum. People come at things from different viewpoints.
Your daughter needing a job has been addressed, several people (myself included) have made suggestions about helping her with her CV/cover letter, job searching etc. You have ignored all those, (that actually relate to your original question) yet have got very hung up on the UC part of it.

You can’t police how a thread goes, but you can take the advice you like it from it. I’m guessing there’s not much advice you actually like and that’s the real problem here.

Well, you ignored every post suggesting you go up to her bedroom with your phone/laptop/tablet and just open the UC online application and sit with her as she doesn’t. And tell her that she has a choice; claim UC, go to her work coach meetings and look for work or she can go down to the council offices and present as homeless.

You cannot afford the life you are living. Something has to change. She has to claim and look for work, you need to take dig money from her and her working sibling. And you should be looking for work too.

Do something. You’ve had all day to go up to her and get that application filled out. But you ignore those posts and just go on and on about how you’re being bullied and how hard your life is. We get it. So do something.

You're not being bullied @JustSamantha but you picked the wrong week to admit you live on benefits and have three times the average number of children.
If your ex partner isn't paying his share you need legal advice. If you weren't married you will find it doubly hard.

The cost of living means more people are worried about paying their bills. Disabled people are worried about benefit cuts. Hence they are getting second jobs. Unfortunately this means less jobs for young people.
My daughter started a new job on Monday with two others. They've both thrown the towel in already. Too hot, too hard apparently.
Also do the online ADHD test. My niece has recently been diagnosed at 35.
AIBU is OK for questions just don't go on FWR, it's brutal.

@JustSamantha you have been offered lots of non-judgemental, supportive advice. From myself and others.

What are your thoughts about what we’ve suggested? Have you managed to take any wisdom from anything? Put a plan in place to support your daughter?

He probably wants her to get a job. Wild, I know.