AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

Not here to cheer anyone up. I'd give the shirt off my back to help someone pulling themselves up by their boot straps. But this sort of arrant nonsense simply doesn't bear credence.

I agree with this sentiment - you can’t write yourself off and just accept your lot in life. I left school without a single GCSE and had a baby at 16. My father was an alcoholic and too often I was the target of his emotional/physical abuse. We get dealt a hard of cards at birth and if it’s a bad hand - we have to make our own luck. OP if you are reading this, please know many of us have also had it rough. However, I made the decision that work would pay and was a waitress all though my pregnancy. I tired of low paying jobs and decided to go back to college and get my GCSE’s. After that studied for FE diploma and then to uni. I have been a primary school teacher for years now. How many people would have written me off? Sadly when you are the main carer of children - you are their role model. I’ve said it previously, your daughter is depressed and you have not processed your trauma. You all need help but please don’t give up on yourself - some of your responses have been troubling to me. You live in a civilised country and are vulnerable at the moment. To me the mark of a civilised country is to take care of vulnerable members of our society. I don’t care that you live on benefits - it’s a pittance and anyone who says otherwise is deluded. Please listen carefully to what people are saying to you and stop being defensive. We are after all just strangers on the internet but many of us know what it’s like to feel at the bottom of society.

You give it out but can’t take it
your alright judging me and my life when you don’t actually know me yet I’m not allowed to do the same
funny how you can give out judgement about someone and not take the same back
your one of the posters on here who didn’t offer any constructive advice you just too it as a chance to benefit bash and throw your horrible judgemental views down people’s throats and belittle me simple as that

What advice did you actually give? NONE all you did was be condescending acting like your better than anyone else
if you didn’t have that husband of yore you wouldn’t have the life you have
Woman like you are so smug that any chance they see a single mum at their worst instead of offering support you sit there list of all the good things about your life and how bad mine is bigging yourself up and putting me down at the same time and not even offered an ounce of support
it’s pathetic
life can turn tables on you at any point and then you won’t be as smug !

Out of all the posters on this thread that have commented your the WORST and you should have just scrolled on by!!

I think you got your point across, Albeit very harshly.
You are from a different world in comparison to OP's life.
She was asking for help.
OP come down hard and fast on DD, she'll thank you later, even if it drives her insane for now, as pps said, UC will pressure her into work, in the meantime, go to war with her, set an example to the other DC, laziness won't be tolerated anymore.
If she does sign up for uc, contact them, ask them to get her work.

Sling her out. She needs a short, sharp shock. Tell her to get going in the morning and it's highly likely she'll be back within 48 hours, tail between legs and promising change. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and a great big boot up the arse will be the best favour you can do for her.

Maybe she resents getting work because she may well have to pay your bills as your money will stop with a working adult at home?
Lots of people work with young kids so be a role model and get a job too?

so your saying two adult children shouldn’t contribute to the house they live in? Madness
so I am providing all food all utilities ect on reduced income and don’t forget I get 92 per adult deducted from my housing element due to having 2 non dependants at home so I also have the loss of around £184 from my housing element. So I have to find that loss where from? If your suggesting they don’t hav to contribute ? That’s £184 from my younger children’s money which will take from them all because yu think they shouldn’t contribute

It’s shocking how woman on here are suggesting that I should just take a loss of income and the adults in the home have to pay absolutely nothing towards the home they live in.

A ‘working adult ‘ at home well il have 2 so if my money is stoped and reduced who pays the bills then if I hav no money? Your saying I hav to become homeless and the two adults contribute nothing ? I don’t know what planet your living on

Oh and I’ve been through an abusive marriage, I left and was homeless with my young children ans very little family support. I had to rebuild my home and work all on my own and didn’t claim a penny in benefit.

Do you realise how much working people’s bills have increased, it isn’t only you.
I went back to uni at 40 as I was the breadwinner. Hard work with teenagers.
if your on Mumsnet all day you should spend your time studying to achieve better and be an example to your children. Obviously not to I’ll to contribute to your posts

Too many have the poor me attitude

im not saying she doesn’t have to contribute. But what sort of inspiration is it that if she gets a job she has to keep the house? Youve sat back and claimed benefit and not worked. Expecting handouts but now not happy to see your daughter follow your footsteps. Wow.
maybe both of you should apply for jobs.

You do realise that it costs thousands for an adult of my age to study don’t you? Where am I going to get thousands of pounds from? You spout so much crap to keep hitting your benefit bashing agenda… do not only do you want me to juggle kids being a single parent and my caring responsibilities plus a job and now studying
hmm I wonder how I’ll fit all that it plus support two adult children who have to provide absolutely nothing to the household
funny how I came on here asking for advice over a 19 year old yet it’s become all about benefits bashing me

It is normal in wc areas, low earners or unemployed families.
A million months from many Mumsnet users.
I'd leave the thread, it isn't going to get better, take the good advice and forget the thread.
Ask hq to delete. They'll find another thread to bash.

I couldn’t I worked with my friend for three weeks in a hotel and didn’t get paid. I asked for help and didn’t get any. I had to wait till I started nursing and got paid. So it wasn’t easy in the early 80’s.
I had to rely on parents for food

Ok I’ll tell get it’s fine she can follow my footsteps then see what kind of life she has you seem adamant that she should be allowed to follow my footsteps
honestly you woman act like your educated but come out with this rubbish
no one said keep the house but sadly they can’t live rent free

I’m not highly educated at all. I left school at 16 and have worked ever since. I now run my own very successful small local business. Open your mind and do something with your life instead of sitting thinking others are going around educated and have an advantage.

enrol at college and train to do something, there must be something you’d like to do with your life? I know a single parent who has since 2018 went to college to study law to a level to allow her to enter uni where she has just graduated with a law degree. All this she done whilst raising 2 teenage boys and working part time. She claimed benefits yes but they were a crutch to help her move on in her life.

nobody is better than you. I certainly dont think I am. But I’ve no sympathy if you want to sit at home on mumsnet moaning all day about your daughter doing the same.

I’m not against young adults contributing a sensible amount, as I think it’s a good education about the cost of living, promotes a sense of responsibility etc. Obviously though if their contribution comes from benefits I don’t think the lesson is as significant as if the money was earned through graft, and I worry that once your daughter is on benefits she might feel less motivated to seek employment. I’d therefore be pushing hard your daughter’s search for employment before her requesting benefits and offering as much support with that as possible, whether that be writing a cv, job applications, interview practice etc. If you don’t feel comfortable with these tasks have you got any friends who could help? Or perhaps even her sister might since she has found employment. I’d also start giving her more responsibility in the home, agreeing chores she could complete, meals she could cook etc.

I also think that it’s important that rather than viewing your daughter as an adult you consider her a young adult. She’s still many years off her brain having finished developing and you should expect to see that in some of the decisions she makes and her behaviours. It’s unreasonable to expect her to behave as an adult but with the right guidance and support from you she can get there. It‘s also unreasonable to expect her to hold any form of responsibility for your housing situation. Especially since your posts suggest that if the eldest two were to move out and you had no contribution from them you wouldn’t be able to make ends meet anyway.

On UC once a child turns 18 you having something called a non dependent deduction from the ‘housing benefit part of UC that helps pay rent ‘ this is separate from losing the child element for them

this id because the government view them as adults and should be contributing but I’ve Been told by several posters on here that I shouldn’t ask them to contribute as that’s essentially paying my bills but they eat the food too I lose help paying rent because they live here as adults
if they move out I won’t have the non dependant deduction and I’d get full housing costs
im allowed to be worried about losing half my housing costs support as I don’t know where I’ll find an extra £184 and me and all the kids will be homeless that’s what I mean about the Housing situation

The vitriol on this thread, based more on prejudice than fact, have been disgraceful. I wouldn’t have believed this thread could happen if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

Are some of you really so ignorant about life that you don’t understand how people end up in various situations? You don’t believe in people’s health problems? You’re so sure of that, you are willing to kick someone you don’t even know when they’re down?

Are any of you homeowners? Do you feel bad about the benefits you’ve received as successive governments intervened in the free market to keep prices inflated? At a huge cost to others who ended up unable to buy? Or did you forget about those benefits?

This thread could honestly be called Privilege and Prejudice.

I understand what you’re saying and of course it’s natural to be worried. The government however make decisions based on their efforts to save tax payers some money but that doesn’t mean your only solutions to your problem should be the government, or the actions of a teenager who hasn’t even reached emotional maturity yet.
Ultimately I think the solution to any financial difficulties you have need to be resolved by you as the adult and the person who chose to have kids, even if your situation was different when you had them, and I imagine that’s why many posters have encouraged you to take responsibility and seek some employment.

They should not be deducting this yet, not until they're 21. I don't think your benefits are correct at all, they seem very low for your situation. Contact the CAB, I don't think you're getting all you're entitled to.