AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

What has you knowing 2 working people with fibromyalgia got to do with anything? Might shock you to know that no two people will have the exact same symptoms and difficulties of the same illness!

Also - @RetiringRita offered some good advice there. She did not "give her another possible diagnosis to excuse not getting a job"!

Wow. This thread is an incredibly sad read.
Regardless of what you think about @JustSamantha and her daughter, she still deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. People are making wild, wild assumptions based on a couple of paragraphs written by a stranger, who is reaching out for advice and support. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. The worst ones are the comments about OP's past choices. Those things are over now, are not really related to the original post, can't be changed, and - quite frankly - none of your business.

Every single person on this thread will have made awful mistakes in their past. You'd all do well to remember that before dishing out your harsh, hurtful criticisms. Whether what you're saying is true or not, there are much better ways of getting your point across. There's a woman the other side of the screen who is obviously struggling/has struggled with lots of aspects of life, and is looking for some advice. She didn't come here for a verbal beating from those who obviously think they're better than her.

@JustSamantha I'm sorry that people are treating you this way. I hope you manage to weed out the little snippets of good advice that are here and there

Besides anything plenty of young people spend some time claiming JSA or UC and then go on to hold down jobs. I'm sure many of us here have done. It doesn't mean that the OPs DD is committing herself to a life of benefits.

Hurrah - a sensible post! I spent 4 years studying for degree in a highly regarded profession. After finishing I struggled to find work for a couple of months, but obviously still had bills to pay, so I had to "sign on" to survive those few months. I felt such awful shame at the time, and is it any wonder when people speak about claimants in the way some have here?

And as @JustSamantha said - her daughter claiming means she also opens up access to the support that is given to young people. So making a claim will teach (and support) her how to look/apply for jobs. I'd say that's a pretty good use of tax payers money!

Maybe one day your husband will have an affair and leave you for another woman and you’ll then discover real hardship on a downward spiral using your posh house on a hill and then lose your job and have to live on scraps hope it happens soon to yeah woman like you it’s not fair to put struggling woman down
it’s always woman with the husbands who act all high and mighty to single mothers thinking they are better than anyone else when deep down your husband probably doesn’t even like you

What are you rambling on about? “Your husband probably doesn’t even like you”?
You don’t even make any sense.

Wow OP no need to be so bitter. You snapped at me earlier so might like to know I’m also a single mum, no husband to consider and certainly no house on a hill or any other cliche you want to chuck about. I do have a job though.

Maybe try and take the sensible advice you’ve been given and stop with the sniping and victim mentality, you’re not helping yourself.

Of course she could! How else would unemployed young adults support themselves?

She would be entitled to around £315 a month in UC, and they would be on her case about looking for work.

I’m taking advice from all the nice people who have given advice in a professional kind manner
I’m sniping back at all the trolls insulting me I have every right to defend mysel

Maybe a friend's house? A long time ago I took in one of my daughter's schoolfriends who had been chucked out of home - she was 16. The girl lived with us for about a year while doing A-levels. Maybe because she knew she had no claim on us she was very helpful at our home and got a Saturday job. I didn't ask her for any keep. OP's 19 year old has a boyfriend - she could stay with him - she would soon understand that she needs to pull her socks up and be responsible for her future.

These threads worry me so much about my own circumstances with a barely launching teen.
Withdraw all support beyond the minimum. No money, WIFI, taxi services and start making things uncomfortable. Eating in bedrooms is such a slippery slope I am afraid.

I echo other posters who think you must tell her to get a job within the next 6 weeks or she must move out. I also would not let her stay at home all day. You have to be tough OP.

Sorry no point in playing the sympathy card.
life goes on no point in being bitter.
did you say why you can’t work?

Well that’s a ridiculous statement! Were you high and mighty when you weren’t a single mother then? Don’t judge others by what you were!

No I wasn’t
i respect other regardless of relationship status unlike some people on this thread

Maybe you should just stick to your BigBreakfastClub have a sausage on me
are you taking employees ?

Jesus OP you need to chill out.

Of course, you’re perfect!

We’re all entitled to our opinions that’s why mumsnet is so popular. I have had many hurdles in life but picked myself up got on with working hard to support my family and came out the other side. It has rubbed off of my kids too.
BTW I don’t eat sausage 🤣

Well isn't that just marvelous.
Thanks araminta that's cheered us all up. Numpty.

She doesn't live the lifestyle that allows lying in bed, that is not an option.
I'd be fed up too.
She needs an apprenticeship.
I'd drag her out of the bed in the morning.
You need a job too, mirror an example.

I would suggest that more important right now would be getting the 18 year old to contribute. Why does she get to keep all her wages when the 19 year old needs to contribute or be booted out or whatever?

Because the 18yo is in full time education?

The 18 yo is at university, presumably accumulating a lot of debt as she’s not getting financial help from parents for obvious reasons.

OP - you’ve had some hard truths said to you on this thread. I think I’ve been pragmatic and supportive but perhaps it might also help to say I work full time despite health issues, as does my husband. I had been a carer for 35 years until my mum died last year. I have young kids with additional needs. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household. I have worked since I was 16 and haven’t claimed benefits ever. So I am hugely sympathetic about your care responsibilities, health issues, and stress but, now you are free from your abusive marriage, you can own your own choices and have higher expectations for your kids but you’ll need to have some difficult conversations with them and be really honest. It’s so hard when you’ve protected them from a world of shit but you need to start stripping that away and showing them reality.

Oh dear, dear me.

After being happily together for over 30 years, I think my DH likes me well enough. But even if the unthinkable happened and your spiteful predictions came true, I would be left a very comfortable divorcee.

I never needed to rely on my DH because I'm just as well educated and have only just retired after working for over 30 years. Neither of my DDs will ever need to be financially dependent on a man either, that's been drilled into them.

As for the fibromyalgia, words fail me.