4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

I agree. Here in Wales our government (as education is devolved) has very clear guidance for schools that states they should not have separate uniform codes for boys and girls - e.g. trousers and shorts are not 'for boys'.

I think you're doing the right thing by letting her be. For all the side-eyeing of you, I'd say that the nursery with that kind of attitude sounds far more culpable in enforcing rigid norms that would make a girl think if she wants to do a 'boy thing' then she must be a boy.

Why should uniform be gendered? Such a weird hill to pick

My 6yo much prefers wearing leggings and a polo to school than a dress. I’m surprised your DDs nursery are making the girls wear dresses. I also have short haircut (thin hair) and my daughter wanted the same - it’s not a super short crew cut but much shorter than all the other girls at school. She loves it. She says she feels free.

So I don’t think any of this is concerning (trousers , short hair) or means that a child wishes to be a boy…. I’d draw the line at the name change and would 100% be explaining that she can be a girl and still enjoy all the things she enjoys and join in with her brothers. I do think you need to have a firm boundary at that point.

The uniform thing is stupid and discriminatory. Why should the girls have to wear a dress?

Your daughter is also allowed short hair, just like my sons have long hair.

You've not done anything wrong.

Don't sweat it.

I haven't read all the comments but the earlier ones saying you should basically force her into a dress?? That is SOME bullshit, seriously. What is this, the 19th century? Genuinely horrified.

My secondary school introduced optional trousers for girls (previously we all had to wear horrible uncomfortable grey skirts) 25 years ago. Have we gone backwards from there?

OP, I personally think you're doing a brilliant job. Let your kid be herself, it literally doesn't matter what she wears or how she cuts her hair, she's four! Comfort is the most important thing.

Just to add a bit more – since she started nursery in September she’s always worn a polo shirt, trousers and a jumper. She refused the cardigan straight away. I can’t remember her ever wearing the “girls” bits of uniform even at the start. She’s settled and happy in it and I assume she’ll wear the same in reception, which tbh makes things a bit easier as we’ll only need to buy a few new bits for her.

She’s been in trainers this year as they’re allowed their own footwear in nursery, as long as it’s appropriate for playing outside and running etc. In reception she’ll need proper school shoes and I’m already expecting that to be a thing – I’ve got a strong feeling she’ll refuse anything remotely “girly” so if she wants the boys ones that’s fine. Comfort and practicality over battles every morning.

I don’t think school had any issue with her not wearing the summer dress before – they definitely never said anything and she’s been wearing the shorts and polo for a term now when it’s been hot. It’s only this week, right after the haircut, that they pulled me aside. She’s not had a buzz cut btw, someone asked that – it’s short but not shaved or anything, just like her brother’s. Bit longer on top and neat at the back. Not extreme by any stretch.

Someone else asked whether her brothers have said anything like “you can’t do that, you’re a girl” or made comments like that. I honestly don’t think so – they rough and tumble and wind each other up as siblings do, but they’re pretty accepting of her just joining in and doing whatever. If anything they just treat her like one of the gang. She definitely idolises the 6yo, they’re glued at the hip, so I think a lot of this is just her wanting to be like him and do all the same stuff.

This

My DD needs insoles so has to wear 'boys' trainers type shoes. Never been an issue with her peers or teachers.

She’s 4. She needs guidance from you to confirm that she is a girl not a boy , you repeat this until she is 18 if need be and then it s up to her.
Dont let her make any decisions that you should be making, she wears the uniform. Boys hair cut was wrong , you could have tied it up for her everyday in the heat and yes she wears girls clothing.
shes not a boy , rinse and repeat
too many parents are scared to parent properly and lets kids make decisions their not mentally ready for .
Don’t be that parent .

😆😆😆

Are you joking!? Why should she? The school should have the same uniform for everyone, or allow any child to wear whichever one they want. It's 2025, not the seventies. Your attitude is what is making kids think they are trans because people are associating clothes with sex. Madness.

Yes. This.

@whatfreshhell0 i was with you untill you said she is “FOUR” she knows what she wants ! Seriously ?

No she wants to be like her brothers she doesn’t want to be male. She is in a male dominated environment but she will find her own way.

How like her brothers is this hair cut?
if it’s a boys hair cut I think your doing wrong nothing wrong with getting it short though.

Can’t she wear the girls t shirt school top instead of boys clothes ?

Yes she is FOUR she does not know what she wants .

I don't think girls should be forced to wear dresses, uniforms need to have an option for shorts/trousers. We're no longer in the 19th century.

I wouldn't try to force her into any more dresses. Some girls just don't like it. She is learning all this shit from school. They are still very regressive about gender and probably stereotype the kids a lot. Then the kids pick up on it and become little gender Nazis. She will have picked up that the girls are constantly restricted. I'd be asking them if the girls are limited at the school and get them to really think about it. Having to wear dresses and long hair is one example. God sake my Mum was refusing dresses in the 1950s! She's a buzz cut and trousers kind of woman. It's sad that things haven't changed.

Exactly this. Why can't all children just wear shorts?

What do you mean by "boy haircut" ? Since when are girls not allowed to have short hair ? I thought this forum was UK based, not in Saudi Arabia 🙄

I honestly wouldn’t worry about it - it’s all very superficial at this age no matter what concerned staff or the pearl clutchers might say. I have two boys , and my youngest had this exact phase when he was 4. I let him have a dress at one point, and yes he went out in public and was enraged when other children referred to him as a boy in a dress and not a girl! Funnily enough, I was very much a tomboy growing up (tracksuits, trousers, trainers, absolutely would NOT be caught dead in a gingham school summer dress/pinafore/skirt) and am now very comfortable wearing dresses most days for work etc. It’s almost like having the ability to choose what I would like to wear as a child helped build my confidence to comfortably express myself as an adult ?! Shocker.

Oh chill out & don’t be so dramatic, she’s 4 , she will grow out of it !
Not a big deal cutting her hair or leaving her wear the clothes she wants to wear ..
Why would OP approach in a way where it causes loads of stress & tears ..
It’s a phase ..
My daughter wore Woody costume until she was about 6 ! Everywhere ! I use to have to wash the 2 I had & have ready every day for her !
Toystory was the bomb, & we look back & laugh 😂
Everything doesn’t have to be so deep …

My tough as nails boy has waist length hair. His little girlfriend has a crop.

What IS girls hair? And why do girls have to wear dresses.

This is SUCH a regressive attitude. She's not in training to be a Stepford Wife clone.

What absolute nonsense. I'd be furious at the double standards too OP.

MN: let toys be toys, girls can do whatever they want.
Also MN: You can’t give a girl a boys’ hair cut.

My daughter was exactly like this.

She continued for a few years, wore boys shorts at school, wore batman outfits at mufty day rather than princess dresses.

We let her get on with it told her to say they're not boys clothes they're my clothes.

She was diagnosed autistic at 9 and then was led down the gender path a bit by CAMHS. We'd told her there was nothing to force a girl to wear gendered clothing that she felt uncomfortable in. and there was nothing wrong with girls wanting to play with toys typically played with by boys or sports like football or cricket and she cracked on with it. She told CAMHS that she didn't idenitify as a boy as girls can be like her (whoever gives girls the idea they can't wear and do what they want????!!!!)

Post puberty she is now experimenting a bit more with more female cut clothes and has grown her hair and she hasn't told us but we think she's gay, no problem with that obv.

Honestly all this trans stuff is insidious. Imagine letting a four year old girl think she's a boy.

There are large numbers of autisitc girls who idenitfy as trans or non -binary. Some are going on to have cross sex hormones and mastectomies, it's just sickening.

At 3 and 4 my Gds would often dress up - with his slightly older sister - they were very close - in all sorts of girly or princess dresses. A year or so later he would turn his nose up. Now nearly 9, he’s only into ‘Boy’ things, with a vengeance.