Page 8 | 4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

whatfreshhell0 · 2025-07-02T15:57:22+00:00

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this. DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one). She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”. She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair? I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning? She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

TicklishReader · 02/07/2025 20:44

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2025 20:30

I’m really curious why some people think that it is ok for a school to have different uniform rules for different sexes?

Is it that you actually believe that dresses are only for women and girls?

Mumsnet of yore would have been outraged at the suggestion, but a single whiff of gender ideology sends posters back to the 50's.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 02/07/2025 20:45

If this was 15 or so years ago, there would be no drama. People would smile and say she's a tomboy as she's got a house full of brothers she adores and wants to be like them. This whole obsession with gender is a bit wild now. So many kids are influenced by their siblings, I ended up loving football and punk rock music because of my older brother. All perfectly normal. I'd just tell everyone to calm down a bit tbh!

Reallyneedsaholiday · 02/07/2025 20:45

phoenixrosehere · 02/07/2025 18:01

Agree.

Our prom queen when I was in secondary school wore a cream suit instead of a prom dress. She was on the basketball and track team, tons of friends and had been in school with her for years. No one batted an eye and she looked amazing.

My mother would have had a fit if I asked to wear a suit to prom. She gave me hell for not wanting a ballgown for a prom dress. I still wore a dress, just it was an a-line similar to the blue prom dress Donna wore from that 70’s Show.

Show quote history

My older DD wouldn't go to prom at all, because her school insisted that all girls MUST wear dresses and there was no chance of that happening.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 02/07/2025 20:48

whatfreshhell0 · 02/07/2025 18:01

To answer a couple of things people asked — no, we don’t talk about gender stuff at home. Not deliberately avoiding it, it just hasn’t come up. I haven’t said anything like “you can be a boy if you want” or even used words like trans, she’s 4, it’s not something we’ve discussed. She doesn’t have access to YouTube, TikTok or anything like that. Screen time is just CBeebies or the odd film, and usually with her brothers. We’re not a particularly ‘woke’ household, just normal really.

Some people asked where she’s “got the idea” that being a boy is better. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think she sees it as better so much as right for her. She’s the youngest, her brothers are loud and funny and she adores them, especially her 6yo brother. They’re like shadows of each other and I think she just sees how he is and wants to be the same. She plays football with them, copies how they dress, same hair now too. She’s probably trying to fit in and make sense of where she belongs, to be honest.

Re the uniform stuff, she’s at the nursery attached to a primary school so it follows the same uniform policy. It’s polo shirt with either trousers or skirt with tights and a jumper or cardi. In summer girls can wear a checked dress and boys can wear shorts. She will not wear the summer dress. I’ve tried, she screamed and sobbed and completely refused to leave the house. So I’ve been sending her in her brother’s old grey shorts and her usual polo. They’ve been fine with that all year until this week, right after the haircut, when they pulled me in saying they were “concerned” and asking questions that honestly made me feel like I was being accused of doing something wrong.

About the haircut, it wasn’t even that long before, just shoulder length, but it was constantly tangled and she wouldn’t let me brush it or tie it up, and she was sweaty and miserable. It was becoming a real battle. So I gave in on Saturday and let her get it done same as her brother. Not to make a point, just because it was practical and she begged. She’s been so much happier since.

As for names, we haven’t been calling her the boy name she’s chosen. We still use her real name at home. That said, we do use a nickname sometimes that’s probably more of a boys’ name anyway (think something like Alex instead of Alexandra). That’s just always been what we’ve called her.

Anyway, thanks again for letting me ramble. I honestly don’t know if this is just a phase or something more, but I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

You're doing just great! Don't doubt yourself.

Teaacup · 02/07/2025 20:53

I was a tomboy (also have brothers and no sisters) but grew out of it. Don’t change her name and don’t cut her hair like a boy’s haircut. She needs to learn that she can like similar stuff to what her brothers like, but she’s still a girl and there are big differences between girls and boys. You are encouraging this and this is really harmful.

RedToothBrush · 02/07/2025 20:54

WallaceinAnderland · 02/07/2025 17:25

You tell your dd she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

You tell nursery she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

What's the problem?

The first line absoluetely spot on.

The second line. Why the fuck do we have to tell a nursery the difference between a girl and a boy?! Its insane.

CatsArePeople · 02/07/2025 20:54

4 is too young yet, but when she's slightly older, introduce her to books and films like Hunger Games, Divergent, Tomb Raider - very strong female role models.

jetlag92 · 02/07/2025 20:54

whatfreshhell0 · 02/07/2025 18:01

To answer a couple of things people asked — no, we don’t talk about gender stuff at home. Not deliberately avoiding it, it just hasn’t come up. I haven’t said anything like “you can be a boy if you want” or even used words like trans, she’s 4, it’s not something we’ve discussed. She doesn’t have access to YouTube, TikTok or anything like that. Screen time is just CBeebies or the odd film, and usually with her brothers. We’re not a particularly ‘woke’ household, just normal really.

Some people asked where she’s “got the idea” that being a boy is better. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think she sees it as better so much as right for her. She’s the youngest, her brothers are loud and funny and she adores them, especially her 6yo brother. They’re like shadows of each other and I think she just sees how he is and wants to be the same. She plays football with them, copies how they dress, same hair now too. She’s probably trying to fit in and make sense of where she belongs, to be honest.

Re the uniform stuff, she’s at the nursery attached to a primary school so it follows the same uniform policy. It’s polo shirt with either trousers or skirt with tights and a jumper or cardi. In summer girls can wear a checked dress and boys can wear shorts. She will not wear the summer dress. I’ve tried, she screamed and sobbed and completely refused to leave the house. So I’ve been sending her in her brother’s old grey shorts and her usual polo. They’ve been fine with that all year until this week, right after the haircut, when they pulled me in saying they were “concerned” and asking questions that honestly made me feel like I was being accused of doing something wrong.

About the haircut, it wasn’t even that long before, just shoulder length, but it was constantly tangled and she wouldn’t let me brush it or tie it up, and she was sweaty and miserable. It was becoming a real battle. So I gave in on Saturday and let her get it done same as her brother. Not to make a point, just because it was practical and she begged. She’s been so much happier since.

As for names, we haven’t been calling her the boy name she’s chosen. We still use her real name at home. That said, we do use a nickname sometimes that’s probably more of a boys’ name anyway (think something like Alex instead of Alexandra). That’s just always been what we’ve called her.

Anyway, thanks again for letting me ramble. I honestly don’t know if this is just a phase or something more, but I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

There are only two weeks left of term. Send her in her usual clothes and then speak to the head and say doesn't work for her and she needs a ECHP due to the clothing issues. They will then back down.
Clothing for primary needs to be inclusive.

ballettap · 02/07/2025 20:58

Teaacup · 02/07/2025 20:53

I was a tomboy (also have brothers and no sisters) but grew out of it. Don’t change her name and don’t cut her hair like a boy’s haircut. She needs to learn that she can like similar stuff to what her brothers like, but she’s still a girl and there are big differences between girls and boys. You are encouraging this and this is really harmful.

What has a haircut got to do with anything? Lots of women choose to have short hair. She doesn't 'need to learn' anything other than it's her hair and she can do what she likes with it. Same as some boys prefer longer hair.

Oceangrey · 02/07/2025 21:01

Ridiculous they won't let girls wear shorts. Surely most schools let girls wear trousers these days?

Ridiculous also that they are concerned about her haircut.

babyproblems · 02/07/2025 21:02

Gloriia · 02/07/2025 17:02

She should wear the correct school uniform for her sex whether she melts down or not. I'm not a huge fan of strict policy but they do need to wear the correct uniforms for their sex.

She obviously idolises her brothers which is lovely.

Just keep reminding her she can do all the activities she likes but is a girl and that's fine.

this.
She should wear the uniform because that’s a rule and she is a girl. Xx

TicklishReader · 02/07/2025 21:02

Teaacup · 02/07/2025 20:53

I was a tomboy (also have brothers and no sisters) but grew out of it. Don’t change her name and don’t cut her hair like a boy’s haircut. She needs to learn that she can like similar stuff to what her brothers like, but she’s still a girl and there are big differences between girls and boys. You are encouraging this and this is really harmful.

In my experience, there are very few differences between four-year-old girls and boys. Forcing either to wear a dress is harmful.

MoominUnderWater · 02/07/2025 21:06

ballettap · 02/07/2025 20:58

What has a haircut got to do with anything? Lots of women choose to have short hair. She doesn't 'need to learn' anything other than it's her hair and she can do what she likes with it. Same as some boys prefer longer hair.

Show quote history

Totally agree. No such thing as a boys haircut. She can have short hair if she wants. I’d just calmly tell her that she’s a girl but she can do anything she wants as a girl such as have short hair. Primary schools should allow her to wear trousers. Not sure how enforceable nursery uniform rules are but I’d try and support her with not wearing dresses if she doesn’t want to. But I would keep re enforcing that she is not and can not turn into a boy.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/07/2025 21:08

I’m genuinely shocked at the number of people saying she has to wear a dress because she’s a girl. No wonder she wants to be a boy, the people insisting on enforcing these ridiculous stereotypes are the problem. After reading this nonsense I think I want to be a boy too. Fuck wearing a skirt, how are you supposed to have any fun? Shorts are so much better for playing in. But of course it’s more important that a girl looks pretty in her lovely girly skirt than actually gets to enjoy playing freely without worrying about what she looks like.

I’d definitely follow up on the sex discrimination issue with this nursery’s uniform policy, surely it’s illegal?!

Londonrach1 · 02/07/2025 21:09

My dd aged 4 wanted to be a fairy and wear wings and fly. Honestly just put in uniform and don't make a fuss. You get your child to brush teeth, go to toilet, eat this similar just parent and put clothes on. Dd school allows dress or trousers.. talk to staff ..

JIMER202 · 02/07/2025 21:13

I’m curious on the haircut, did she get a buzz cut and that’s set the school off?

BIossomtoes · 02/07/2025 21:14

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/07/2025 21:08

I’m genuinely shocked at the number of people saying she has to wear a dress because she’s a girl. No wonder she wants to be a boy, the people insisting on enforcing these ridiculous stereotypes are the problem. After reading this nonsense I think I want to be a boy too. Fuck wearing a skirt, how are you supposed to have any fun? Shorts are so much better for playing in. But of course it’s more important that a girl looks pretty in her lovely girly skirt than actually gets to enjoy playing freely without worrying about what she looks like.

I’d definitely follow up on the sex discrimination issue with this nursery’s uniform policy, surely it’s illegal?!

Same. If the uniform includes trousers I’d just forget the frock and let her wear trousers all year round. I can’t believe they have uniform at a nursery.

AnonMJ · 02/07/2025 21:24

She is only 4. My DD had a boys name for a few months. And said they were a boy. Around same age.

5 years later she is definitely a girl. Cannot remember when it changed!!!

grumpygrape · 02/07/2025 21:24

5foot5 · 02/07/2025 19:15

I could have almost written this myself, apart from Colin and the brothers.

I am in my 60s and, until I was about 10 or 11, I thought I wanted to be a boy and rejected all the girly stuff, though I had no choice about clothes at school. For me, though, it was because I thought boys got to have more fun, had more choices, did the cool stuff, while girls were meant to do the boring stuff, playing house and so on.

When I got to senior school I had accepted I was a girl and didn't really want to be a boy but was still indignant at some of the imposed differences. In those days, at our school, there were still certain subjects that only girls or only boys did. E.g. needlework (which I loathed with a passion) and cooking as opposed to woodwork and metalwork.

The older I got though the more I could see that was changing and I actually ended up in a fairly male oriented industry. Despite this I would say 100% female, married and a mum. I even own a sewing machine and make some of my own clothes!

Show quote history

Huge apologies 5foot5 but I read your comment ‘I actually ended up in a fairly male oriented industry.’
As
‘I actually ended up in a fairy male oriented industry.’ and I nearly drenched my laptop in red wine…..

Threeboystwocatsandadog · 02/07/2025 21:26

My sister was like this. I can remember her refusing to go to school. She would lie under the dining room table with her legs curled around the chair legs, so my mum couldn’t get her out and my mum sitting crying because all the other little girls would be wearing lovely summer dresses and she insisted on wearing shorts, grey socks and boys shoes (we had no uniform policy). Oh the drama in the mornings when all I wanted to do was go to school.

She is now a perfectly normal, almost 60 year old with children and grandchildren and met me last week wearing a floor length floral skirt and pretty top. I was a girly girl and haven’t owned a skirt or dress for at least the last 20 years and lave less hair than any of my sons.

I think it is important that she knows that girls can do everything that boys can. I would also encourage the school to change their uniform policy so that girls can wear shorts and boys dresses to make life easier when she goes to school. The nursery are being ridiculous.

drspouse · 02/07/2025 21:27

IsitaHatOrACat · 02/07/2025 17:07

I would be questioning why there is a difference in the boys and girls uniform anyway for 4 year olds...

Maybe the school need to consider this

This.
Girls can have short hair, and a school that thinks girls need to wear dresses is stuck in the dark ages.
Whatever girls do, they will still be girls.

Supima · 02/07/2025 21:29

Bollocks that a nursery in the uk forces girls to wear a dress. It’s obviously made up! Come on! It’s not real!

pizzaHeart · 02/07/2025 21:31

Mrsttcno1 · 02/07/2025 17:10

I think there’s a line, and I also think at 4 your job as a parent is to be ensuring she understands that she doesn’t have to BE a boy to like the things that boys like- why does she think she needs to have a boys name for example?

Boys are not the only ones who like football or minecraft- so do girls.

It seems she has decided that because she likes the things her brother likes that she must be a boy- it’s your job as a parent to correct that because she is too young to know.

This^
He plays football not because he is a boy but because he likes playing football.
By the way Im not sure why she is hotter in a dress. Cotton dresses are lighter and cooler than polo and shorts or I’m missing something.

AngryBookworm · 02/07/2025 21:32

I would let her wear the shorts and have the haircut. You are absolutely right that letting her be slightly tomboyish (I say slightly because shorts and short hair are absolutely both things that adult women do all the time) is not pushing her to be trans. All you'll do if you die on this hill is make her feel more like she needs to push against you. She's also not wrong that making all girls wear dresses at age 4 solely because they're girls is stupid. It may be a choice of which hill to die on - annoy the school or fight the battle every morning. By and large I'm one for following school rules but it's nursery, she's 4, and frankly it's a rule they could do with changing anyway.

Obviously let her see lots of different role models of what being a woman can be - I'm sure you are doing that anyway. Telling her 'you can't wear shorts because those are for boys' implies that if she likes shorts she must be a boy - both ridiculous, and exactly the opposite effect of the one you want.

NattyFox · 02/07/2025 21:32

I'd let her wear whatever she wants and have whatever haircut she wants, but tell her she's a girl. She sounds great.