4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

My mum would make me wear cycling shorts under my dresses so that my knickers weren't on show 24/7 as I was always doing handstands against walls so I could stay up for longer.

My sister was the biggest tomboy that walked, we called her Rambo as she was always doing the opposite of me, I was your girl with long hair and everything pink hated getting dirty and now she is a right girly girl and I couldn't be bothered with make up or anything remotely pink lol

She isn't a boy. She is a girl and should be taught even at this ages the uniform rules at nursery. If the uniform is dresses for girls then that's it.

Snap. But my son told me he was a dog. At home he would lap water for a bowl. But for nursery he wore clothes and was a boy.

yes @OP you’re encouraging it and you need to stop. She is 4 and you’re the adult. She wears the uniform for her sex at school., what she wants at home, a short pixie cut is fine, but really she could easily have her hair up and if she moans at it getting bushed, then tough luck. Even boys have to comb their hair.

stop pandering to her. Seems you just want attention that she is different or you just can’t be arsed parenting her and therefore give into to her every whim.

My girls wear polo shirts and shorts to school because they’re better for football and cartwheels than dresses. Never has a teacher ever suggested I’m trans-ing them for this - and as a gender critical feminist they’d soon regret it if they did! I find it very odd that teachers would have an issue with girls wearing shorts - it’s certainly no issue at all in our very normal village school.

I so profoundly disagree with this attitude. It insists we conform to gender stereotypes. That's what drives kids to believe if girls have short hair they must be boys.

Please reinforce the belief that she can do what she likes with her hair/clothes/shoes/playtime/friendships. None of these define whether or not she is a girl. Biology does that for her. Everything else is personality and preference and she does not ever have to conform to some restrictive notion of what it means to be a girl, especially ridiculous and very recent conformist ideas that she should wear long hair when on hot days she'd rather have short hair or buying flimsy shoes when she'd rather have robust ones.

If there is a uniform then she needs to wear it. She can melt down all she likes, she wears it. Let her know that what she wears, or what she likes playing with or doing has nothing to do with her sex - but she is a girl just like mummy - and everything to do with being the person she it.
But she wears the dress. It's the uniform.

Exactly. DS1 spent a couple of months in a fairy dress with wings that belonged to the daughter of a friend of mine (who was a tomboy, luckily so she didn't care) It couldn't be prised off his back. He wanted fairy princess comics every week. I got told by women at church to stop this nonsense or I'd turn him gay. A while later he became a soldier and dressed in fatigues for the next 12 years, and joined cadets as soon as possible. As it turned out, he is gay but I don't think either two months of fairy net wings and a year's worth of princess comics or twelve years of army manoeuvres made him that way. He just always was.

my nieces were like this and are now happily feminine in their own unique ways, there are infinite ways to be a girl, if anything the nursery and your family are being silly pushing her into a narrow perception of femininity. In my opinion that encourages the trans agenda. It’s like saying ‘if you don’t fit the stereotypical version of female, you must be trans’. No. She can be a girl with a short haircut and shorts who likes Minecraft perfectly well. Tell them to loosen up or Sid off. She should he allowed to wear shorts to nursery if she wants FFS, 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shoot?!

No nursery in the uk mandates dresses for girls. None. It’s not true.

Why?!

Exactly 100 this!!
You are doing the right thing op.
Keep reminding her that girls can do everything boys do.

I REALLY wanted to be my brother when I was that age - he’s 3 years older. He was able to do things I was not able to and I totally admired him and thought he was the bees knees (at this point it’s an age issue, not a gender/sex one). I spent most of my childhood till I was about 10/11 imagining myself as either him or the male protagonist in many books, films etc. Back then you were just known as a ‘Tom boy’ and for the vast majority it was just a normal part of childhood.

In that case I am not sure what the problem is?

This is what many girls have done-George from the Famous Five is just one example. At 4, a girl might have started reading, or more likely at 4 being read to/seen films like that. Lots of girls at primary school Class 1 I knew did, and that's only one year older. That's been going on for generations, and the central message of girls being able to do everything boys can, and Georgina not cleaning up after the boys like the stereotypical Anne is a positive one.

Why can’t a 4 year old know what they want? Perhaps it is the fault of the nursery in the choice of uniform. Dresses can be restrictive if girls want to run and play. Why can’t girls have shorts and t-shirts like the boys?

I think children should be encouraged to make decisions and if they are making them that’s great. My DD is off to secondary school and point blank refuses to make decisions most of the time but will get very unhappy if you make the wrong one.

This was me as a kid. I’m now a “normal” 30 something woman, who has kids & still rarely wears dresses.

My advice is to keep backing her. Send the dress in with her and nursery can get her in it if it is so important.

Watch films/shows where women/girls are the powerful leads. Watch the Euros. Show her the cool female role models.

Uniform at nursery 🤔
She's only four
Relax and ignore other than to tell her she can do what she likes re hair activities and she's a girl.
My DD cut her own hair off at 4 🙄😬it grew back. This too shall pass.

Why? Just why?
Let kids be kids

My DD at four told us to call her Thomas (after the train), and we went along with it for what it was....a tiny child having fun and exploring the world.
She's now the girliest girl you could meet.

We need to lose the "gender" serotypes.

I agree. There’s a lovely song by Nick Cope called something like “living under a rainbow” with the line “Rosie likes trucks, Rosie likes trains”, “Peter likes princesses and ponies”, you get the idea. We listened to it a lot with my little tomboy who at ten still only wears polos and shirts to school (which school sensibly are fine with) but happily knows she’s a girl and that that doesn’t mean she has to climb down from the trees and start taking an interest in clothes!

Why do they need to wear the ‘correct uniforms for their sex’? I’m honestly interested - I can’t see any reason

I would have much rather worn the boys uniform as a kid
why are they even making girls where skirts/dresses?
The school sounds weird. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with your daughter,

She’s 4 with three brothers! She wants to fit in and keep up, she’s a classic tomboy and as yet no indication of anything she may or may not be or like as a teenager/adult. Just reassure her she can like all the same things her brothers like and still be a girl, or ask her why she thinks being boy is better than being a girl (she will think that, she’s 4, that’s why she wants to be one) and fight the gender stereotypes she’s already feeling.

I’m torn on the nursery aspect between ‘it’s the uniform’ and ‘why is the only uniform option a skirt/dress’? I thought we’d moved past that, I always hated that from as small as I can remember. I don’t want my knickers flashing everywhere when I’m trying to play! Or frills catching on obstacles, I mean, really!