4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

Weird they have gendered uniforms at all, she shouldn’t have to wear a dress.

I have no direct experience of this, but I've thought about what I'd do if my DD expressed similar feelings and this is what I'd try:

Ask her why she wants to be a boy. Does she think that particular toys or activities are only for boys? Might one of her brothers have told her this? If so, you can reassure her, for example, that girls can have short hair and play football. It sounds as though she admires her brothers and perhaps she just wants to emulate them.

If she still says she wants to be a boy, I'd try letting her explore this idea through play, but not "in real life". So at home, you could play the game where you pretend she's a boy called "Thomas", let her wear what she wants and see where that leads. But, when it's time to go to school, she puts on her uniform and goes back to being "Amelia".

I hope this will give you an insight into her feelings without persuading her that it's possible to choose your own sex.

So long as you are telling her she’s a girl then there is nothing wrong here. Raise the sexist uniform with nursery as that’s the real problem.

i was a kid before trans became mainstream. I remember standing in the corridor all breaks for a week with a few other girls who had signed a petition for girls to be allowed trousers not compulsory dresses. Someone organised a petition. As an adult looking back I’m impressed and had I been my mother I would have supported my dd. Instead I was punished for wanting to be able to play without my skirt getting in the way and went ott into wanting to be a boy. I never wanted to be a boy I just wanted the same freedoms. Had I been a child now I would have jumped at being trans because of rules like this imposed on girls. You may not be telling your dd she’s a boy but there will be so much influence around her with trans issues being so discussed and in the news- so be clear with her what the root of the problem is so she doesn’t get confused

I'm non-binary (biologically female) and I think it sounds like you're making all the right moves with your DD4!

It's true that I was never a "girly" child. However, neither were a lot of my peers and as far as I know, only one of my tomboy classmates now identifies as transgender. It's far, far more likely that your DD will grow up comfortable in herself and her identity, especially with strong role models and feminist values. I think it's worth talking to nursery about the gendered uniform; there's no reason girls shouldn't be able to wear shorts; and to stand up for yourself when it comes to the haircut. Those things are more about practicality than gender, after all. The name is a stickier subject; I chose a more androgynous nickname during my childhood, but my family still used my birth name and often still do. It's not something that bothers me. Again, I was far from the only one trying out new names amongst my year-group and again, almost all of them grew up comfortable with their birth sex. Some, including myself, developed some more stereotypically "girly" interests with time, others didn't. Some are straight, some lesbian, I imagine some bisexual, but firmly "cisgender."

The nursery are ridiculous for saying you're "pushing" anything. Have they never seen women with short hair, or women who don't wear dresses? Have they never seen women who play sports? If anyone is pushing gender and it's stereotypes, it's them!

Ultimately, "gender identity" wasn't a part of my life until my teens and it isn't really a part of my life now that I'm comfortable in my transition. There's no reason to say that it will ever be a part of your DD's life, either. Keep doing as you're doing and stand up for your DD's right to be whatever kind of girl she wants to be; that makes you a great mother in my book!

Gullibility?

I can remember two girls in my class in the 80s who didn't like wearing the school dress, there was also one girl in my son's class 15 years ago who didn't. No one batted an eyelid back then if a girl cut her hair short and didn't wear dresses, why it everyone so sensitive about it now?

What a load of rubbish! Did you not read about the battles OP had with her hair? Why on earth in 2025 should girls have to conform to outdated misogynistic ideas of womanhood? She's happy wearing 'boys' clothes and having short hair and miserable wearing 'girls' clothes and having long hair. Do you really think her happiness should come second to her conforming to meaningless sexist standards? I think OP sounds like a fantastic mum and I really admire the way she is bringing up her daughter.

Utter rubbish. Uniform should be unisex and kids should be able to wear what they're comfortable in within the scope of the uniform not to do with sex. It's 2025 ffs

OP, you're doing fine. I think you do need to come into school and have a calm meeting with them. For what it's worth, I'm sort of relieved that primary school staff did question this 'package' of shorts, new name she wants and short hair - they have no way of knowing how you're dealing with this at home and they may be relieved at the change in climate where schools are no longer expected to affirm blindly.

I really feel for you (and your tiny DD!) though. If you stuff her into a dress she'll hate it and you'll get it in the neck from some quarters. If you allow her some space to wear what she's most comfortable with, there's plenty of unthinking backlash to the more extreme heights of gender woo-ery of the last few years. I think that - as pretty much everyone else here has said - as long as you are gently firm with her, she is NOT a boy but she can be any sort of girl she likes, and that a short haircut and shorts do not a boy make, you are being a brilliant parent. This whole thread and your dilemma just underlines the idiocy and inherent sexism of gender ideology - that being 'boy' or 'girl' merely depends upon adhering to outdated stereotypes that we were trying to throw out in the 1980's!

And I bet she feels SO much more comfortable in the crazy heat with a short haircut!

I can’t believe the nursery has different uniforms for girls and boys. It’s only nursery! My kids just wore t shirts and shorts or leggings and joggers to pre school.
I would let her crack on with letting her dress how she wants at home and don’t make a big thing about it. Just explain she’s a girl but that doesn’t mean she has to dress a certain way she can dress how she comfortable.
Most of the primary school around where I live seem to have comfortable options/similar options for girls and boys. Polo shirts and shorts/trousers for both and dresses or skorts if the girls want to wear them. So hopefully when she goes to school it will be similar for her.
i wouldn’t call her a different name though, explain you choose it for her and it can’t be changed.

Lots of posters asserting that she should be wearing the uniform 'for her sex' - but surely all state primaries have long since allowed girls to wear trousers and shorts if they prefer that? (on activity grounds mostly) I don't know of any state primaries round here where the uniform rules don't allow for this. And yes, it's very one-sided, because those rules AREN'T going to say 'dress/skirt optional for boys'. But typically, in RL, women are as likely to wear trousers as skirts and it's been that way for several decades.

Honestly, I think that saying 'wear the uniform assigned to your sex' is a red herring. We know that clothes are only clothes. They don't 'encourage' anything IF you're absolutely clear and firm that a girl will remain a girl, she is female and short hair and wearing trousers isn't going to change anything.

Anyway, I'd put money on this school, if it's a state school, allowing girls to wear trousers as part of the uniform.

Not mine. My DGC and DGGC all wear school uniforms and have done since primary school. And generally I think school uniform is a good idea.
But shorts and T-shirts would be fine - though as a child I was perfectly active wearing skirts - e.g. I climbed trees etc freely (and fell out of one!). Sex stereotypes about being a girl were not so widespread nor so enforced in the 50s and 60s, and being a sporty girl was normal.

Richard Pate school in Cheltenham only have dresses listed for girls in the summer on their uniform list for the preschool. No shorts, trousers etc.

It can’t be the only private school who does the same?

Exactly - keep sex based rules to things that matter like safety and privacy. Insisting something like clothes be strictly male and female even though they are irrelevant to safety and privacy (except perhaps in a counter-productive way) is patently stupid, but then people extend the argument to say "insisting toilets are male and female is stupid too". Which it isn't. Hence where we are now.

If she's in to football the women's euros are on currently, maybe you could show her some of the matches or interviews with the footballers so she can see that girls can do these things just as well as boys and are very successful in it.

The hair cut is fine, especially since it was her idea and she loves it. I wouldn't force her in to a dress either, I was very much a tomboy as a kid and would regularly say I wanted to be a boy, in hindsight I didn't want to actually be a boy I just wanted to wear boys clothes and play football all the time.

I don’t get this parenting style of oh she just cries - and?! Boundaries are there to teach children what the choice is within reason. You put a hard stop and kids adhere to it. If they cry, they cry. They’ll stop crying and crack on with it. And with the hair cut I’m assuming we’re talking short back and sides, why not a short bob or a pixie cut - meet her halfway? I’m not surprised nursery are asking questions.

Im now wondering if play etc is very gendered at nursery too. Are the boys and girls steered towards different activities/toys, or praised for different things I wonder?

This 👍🏻👏🏻

They aren't steered towards it at all but they notice that "boys do this, girls do that" because they have eyes and they are young enough that "most people do this" translates into "all people do this".
When I was about 8 I thought that all families had an older girl and a younger boy because that's what we had, and so did two of our cousin families - so I refused to believe that my boy cousin was the older (he's only 13 months older). And I was definitely old enough to know better. Children are very rule bound and find exceptions hard, especially at nursery age.

Clothes and things are fine. The name thing wouldn’t have been considered weird 10 years ago and makes sense as she has such an affinity with her brothers. She sounds very imaginative which is great.

But the reality is she is female so she has to use the female toilets/changing rooms. The uniform might be a battle ground but she doesn’t have to wear it outside of school so it won’t matter.

A ‘pixie’ cut is apparently fine but egads not a BOYS HAIRCUT

wild

I can't believe the number of posters saying this little girl should be forced to wear a dress, and I say that as a woman who wears dresses and skirts all the time and doesn't own any shorts.

Girls can wear shorts.
Girls can have very short hair.

Telling her that she must wear a dress because she's a girl is what leads to the logic 'If I don't want to wear a dress, I must not be a girl.' And no, 'because it's the rule' is not a sufficient or convincing argument.

I went to a girls' school with compulsory tartan skirts. For decades girls asked for the right to wear trousers and were told no. Until a couple of years ago, when some girls declared they were non-binary or trans and couldn't wear skirts. There's now a trouser uniform option at the school. Ordinary girls wanting to wear trousers? Ignore them, rules are rules. Special gender ideology? Oh yes, that must be accommodated. Again, I say this as someone who didn't want to wear trousers myself. I still recognise that people are different and there's nothing wrong with accommodating reasonable preferences.

Why can’t she have the hair cut she wants? I’m guessing because I pixi cut (like the school dress) will make her look ‘cute’ or ‘pretty’ and that’s what all girls should aspire to?

It’s these attitudes that make people assume that girls who want to have short hair, wear shorts and not fit societal norms have to be boys.

She won’t be pretty enough with a boys haircut though. How awful.

This was me, 35/40 years ago. Dressed in boys clothes, only played with the boys, no dolls, dresses, pink sparkly stuff, detested having to wear a dress for school, and used to ask my parents if I could be a boy. I even decided I wanted to be referred to as a boys name at school and home and refused to answer unless I was called that.

My parents just humoured the name thing and told me I was a girl and couldn’t be a boy, but other than that, bought my clothes and toys from ‘the boys section’ and let me crack in with no big deal. When I got to about 12/13 then I started to feel more like a girl and as an adult am very feminine, into hair/beauty, fashion etc. I still prefer the more ‘male’ interests such as cars, doing DIY, rugby, male banter etc - but as a PP said, I think I wanted to be a boy because I preferred boy things and boy friends. As an adult I can recognise that but as a child I thought I was the wrong sex. Thank god my parents were chilled and let me get on with it / grow out of it and mature.

If there wasn’t such a divide with ‘boy things and girls things’ and it was just ‘kids things’ there’d be less confusion!