4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

I don’t think the nursery can enforce a separate boy/girl uniform. The haircut/uniform sounds ok to me. I wouldn’t let her choice her own name yet though. Maybe talk to her about why she thinks being a boy is better - at this age it’s likely to be something like boys play football and she likes football etc. Read stories about inspirational woman etc.

Why?

Why the fuck do 4 year olds have sex-based uniforms?!?! Tell them they're the ones pushing your daughter towards transgender ideology, by trying to teach her that hair length and clothing styles have anything to do with biological sex.

My son copied his slightly older sister. He used to wear a nightie in the house. But when he wanted to go outside playing in a dress I said no. He didn’t think he was a girl but wanted to be like his sister.

Sorry, accidental double post.

If the nursery is telling her she has to wear the dress because she's a girl, I'm not surprised she wants to be a boy!

Let her wear the shorts and reinforce with both her and the nursery that she is still a girl, because she has a female body, no matter what she is wearing!

Hmm. I don’t believe there’s a nursery that mandates dresses for girls with no option for shorts.

She's a tomboy and nothing wrong with that. I think the policy of girls not being able to wear shorts is really regressive.

I would query why girls can’t wear shorts to school, it’s far more practical than a skirt or dress. All the supermarkets do grey shorts for girls so I thought it was quite an accepted uniform these days? It is at my DCs school, my girls both wear grey shorts, they’re basically the same as the boys but a bit more ‘styled’ (they have bows on). They also do shorts in the same material as the summer dresses.

I wouldn’t stop her having short hair or wearing shorts but I wouldn’t gently remind her that she’s a girl and that girls can also have short hair and wear shorts, they aren’t just things for boys.

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t

She's FOUR. She doesn't know what she likes and what she doesn't.

Nursery should not make girls and boys wear different uniform, that's how gender issues start in the first place, saying some things are for boys and some are for girls, making gender a social construct blah blah. The only differences between girls and boys are biological, and the only ways they should be treated differently are for reasons related to their biology - mostly medical and sports.

@Gloriia : “She can do all the activities she likes”

Also Gloriia: “She has to wear a dress though. That’s non negotiable.”

Make it make sense.

Why are kids wearing a uniform to nursery?! She sounds headstrong and doesn't want to wear a dress. She wants to relate to her brother's. If she's going beyond that in other ways, I would remind her she's a girl consistently. Anything like ' I'm a boy ' comments or ' I want a boys name'. Well you can ask but your name is staying and is on your birth certificate.

Personally, I would speak to the nursery. I might email even, because I don't trust a single institution anymore tbh.

'Dear x,

( Child) is uncomfortable wearing the school dress. It's making the morning routine difficult with resultant resistance. I'd like you to work with me whilst I try encourage her back into the summer dress. Until such time X will come in shorts which she is more comfortable with. I appreciate your flexibility'

If there's anyone in there suggesting to you or making you feel you're under suspicion as a trans pushing mum, I'd be on that immediately in writing myself.

Calling girls "tomboy' because they have short hair etc is also really regressive.

What is the “correct uniform for her sex”?

most schools allow girls to wear trousers/shorts, and in fact it can be considered discriminatory to only allow girls to wear skirts and dresses.

I haven’t come across a school in recent years where uniform is sex specific. usually anyone can wear any of the items on the list.

so chances are shorts and a polo top are the correct uniform.

o/p I had similar when primary aged dd wanted short hair. Of course I let her, it’s her hair. But finding a hairdresser to do it, Jesus you’d think you’d asked them to lop off an arm. If dh took her it was a million times worse and they’d be worried about whether I’d okayed it.

irony was she did like wearing dresses. But then got the comments about why I was letting my little boy wear his sisters clothes.

people cannot wrap their heads about a child or parents not wanting to stick rigidly with sex stereotypes.

fuck sake, it’s only hair and clothes. You can be a girls in shorts and a polo top and short hair.

Have you met any 4yos?

They absolutely know what they like and dislike.

My DS told me he wanted to be a mummy like me when he grew up! He was a similar age. It isn’t until around 5 that they get the idea of having an immutable sex. Let her wear and do what she wants, but I’d be very much on the lookout for any negative messages she’s getting about girls, or any impressions she’s getting that they’re inferior. Why is she idolising her brother? Perhaps he could idolise her? Why does she think ‘boys are best’?

Don’t let her change her name. Find some positive female role models and make sure you big up girls and being a girl at every (subtle) opportunity.

My DD8 is the same and has been since about 3 yrs old. Only child so no influence from brothers. I’ve always sent her to school in boys uniform & no one has ever said anything, she had her hair cut short at her request about 2 yrs ago & only wears clothes from the boys range. She is mistaken for a boy all the time. Always playing with the boys, only has boys as friends, etc. I don’t encourage it & the times she has said she feels like she wants to be a boy I have generally not given it much discussion. This used to be mainly when she was younger, now I think she’s just a boyish girl. She’ll probably grow out of it. As much as I’d prefer her to be more girly who am I to make my child so unhappy by wearing girls clothes? We want to teach them bodily autonomy yet also say you can’t wear shorts to school?

What are the nurses actually stated as concerns? I've haven't known a school or nursery insist on skirts/ dresses for girls since the early 90's, so I'd be very surprised if what she is wearing is their concern.

I suspect their concern is more centred on her lying about her name, or saying that she actually is a boy, then her physical appearance, especially if you haven't had this discussion with them. I think it's fair to ask if this is something you encourage at home or if you correct her when she says these things so you don't end up with a situation where you are going along with calling her Stephen and their saying "no, your names Sophie" (or vise versa), as that's even more confusing for a 4yo.

I used to idolise my brother as little, I really wanted to be like him because he was so cool. I would wear his old clothes, have a short hair cut etc etc. no one said anything to me except that I looked like a boy. Once I started school I started to have friends and became my own person and let it go and let my hair grow and dressed in more girly clothes.

None of what you describe is gender dysphoria. I had a friend like that with older brothers. She cut her hair short and even pretended to be a boy to join the local kids football team. No one knew until she hit puberty at about 13 and she had to tell her coach. He didn’t care. She continued playing football as the only girl in the boys football team. There wasn’t a girls team then. Just tell her interests are not confined to boys or girls. She can wear shorts and T-shirts. That is very practical. She can aim to be the first woman in some male dominated career. A bit more of a girl power attitude instead of reinforcing stereotypes.

Yes, why on earth so the nursery have a gendered uniform anyway? Imagine a world where we didn't force gender stereotypes onto tiny children, and then they would probably be able to wear what they want happily without adults getting all worked up about the appropriateness

Kids are kids. Clothes are clothes. Why are we making it any more complicated?

I'm not calling her a tomboy because of her haircut - what a leap.

It’s a nursery they cannot have a compulsory uniform at all never mind a sex based one.

Girls need to know that they can wear whatever, have their hair however, be interested in whatever and still be wonderful girls. Our clothes and hair and interests don’t define our sex. Watching the women in the Euros, and other non girlie girls that do amazing things is to be encouraged.