4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

Some of these posters a being absolutely ridiculous. As a gender critical woman, it is absolutely important that we break down gender stereotypes. This sort of nonsense about girls have to have long hair and wear dresses feeds into all the trans nonsense as well. I mean christ my boys wore pink, had long hair when little and they know they are boys.

Let your child wear the uniform they want, let her have short hair. The name thing I would ignore and just say yes you’re a girl, but you can do any activity your brothers do. Maybe get her in a mixed football team when older, do things like take her to training now.

You need to be very firm with nursery staff and explain your stance.

Interestingly I remember in primary school, must have been about yr 4, before sex ed as the physical side wasn’t part of the reasoning- had we known about sex and periods I’m sure we may have felt more strongly!

anyway I went to an all girls school. I remember having proper discussions around whether we wanted to be boys. The general consensus was we wanted the boys freedoms- not to worry about clothes and being pretty, to be able to play out, do what we wanted, ride bikes, be stronger and not the “lesser” sex that appeared to have to give way to what boys wanted. We wanted good jobs and to earn our own money- we wanted out dad’s and brothers lives, not our mums which seemed boring and just there to clean cook and take care of the children. But other than that we were fine with actually being girls. We even discussed whether we could pretend to be boys to gain that male privilege.

we also discussed whether we’d want a broken arm. Again the answer was no, we didn’t actually want to break an arm, but we’d quite like a cast that everyone could sign and the privileges that came with it like a chair in assembly instead of the floor.

kids aren’t daft. But the sex stereotyping has regressed so much people genuinely seem to believe that if you’re a girl you can’t have short hair and you must like pink, and if you don’t there’s something wrong with you. And the children are being indoctrinated into it.

OP has said that that her daughter's nursery school is attached to a school and that the nursery school uniform is similar to the reception and above uniform.

Has OP clarified whether this school is a private sector school?

That's valid for boundaries that are actually important, but not for boundaries that are actually just sexist nonsense with no valid reason for them.

What is the big deal if she wants a "boy's" haircut? It's hair. It'll grow back within a few months if she changes her mind. And I cannot get over how outdated it is for a nursery school to insist on dresses for girls!! My secondary school brought in trousers for girls 25 years ago, and even then it was considered old-fashioned for only just allowing it - all the other schools in the area had already allowed girls to wear trousers for years before that. It's sexist nonsense and it's no wonder lots of girls rebel against it. The thing is, if you say "girls mustn't do xyz", then a lot of children will think to themselves, "well that means if I like doing xyz then I must really be a boy", or, "I want to become a boy so I can do xyz".

I’m sorry, but what?! It’s not a boys haircut. She’s a girl, she got the haircut, therefore it is a girls haircut. Same with the uniform. Your attitude is the exact reason young children start being confused about these things. You want to insist that she’s a girl, but she wants to have a short haircut and doesn’t want to wear dresses and you are saying that only boys are allowed to do that. You are the reason she now thinks she’s a boy. You are the problem.

I find the nursery's stance bizarre tbh - my 4.5yo son occasionally likes to don a princess dress from our dressing up box and wear it to nursery and no one bats an eyelid. We live in Germany though where there's no school uniform and the pedagogical approach for very young children is to allow them freedom to explore in all senses and they don't start school till 7