4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

She should wear the correct school uniform for her sex whether she melts down or not. I'm not a huge fan of strict policy but they do need to wear the correct uniforms for their sex.

She obviously idolises her brothers which is lovely.

Just keep reminding her she can do all the activities she likes but is a girl and that's fine.

She’s four. She should wear the correct uniform and wear what she wants to at home. That is what I’d be telling her.

My four year old, many years ago, said she was a pony. She still had to go to school in the correct clothes.

I don’t think YABU and it sounds like the nursery are being too strict on uniform for FOUR year olds.

I wouldn’t call her by the name she has requested, that’s pandering too far IMO. The hair cut is fine. Tell her she can’t be a boy but it’s ok for her to have short hair and wear shorts to nursery (explain this to Nursery!) don’t treat it as a big deal with her and this phase will pass.

My 7yo DS went through a brief period of wearing ‘princess’ dresses when he was about 3 or 4 I think. He put one on at nursery and loved it. Asked me to buy him one so I did. Waste of money, he was obsessed with it for about a week and then never wore it again 😂
I turned up once to collect him from nursery and the staff were telling me he had been a little trend setter and some of the other boys had copied him and that they were all kicking a football around in their princess dresses 😂

He is now about as boyish as they come - football, climbing trees etc.

I would be questioning why there is a difference in the boys and girls uniform anyway for 4 year olds...

Maybe the school need to consider this

I thought the same. Studies show that young girls dressed in skirts/dresses perform less physical activity than girls in shorts/trackies and boys (in shorts/trackies)

I don't see why you should force her into a dress. As long as she's in uniform which she is. Only thing I'd be watching out for is, she isn't hearing any negative messages about girls? She isn't rejecting being a girl because she thinks girls can't do the same as boys. Maybe make sure her big brothers are on board with that one

My dd, now 10 was the same.

She's happily a girl, but wears clothes from the boys section all the time, plays sports that are largely played by boys, her room is dinosaur central, she's slowly been chopping her hair shorter and shorter, and shortens her name so it's more neutral (that wasn't really the goal, she just likes the short version) people comment and she has a few phrases of varying levels of cheekiness depending how twatty the comment is, and she's fine.

The nursery can piss off with the uniform policy for starters, why do girls have to wear dresses and boys get comfy shorts and top?

It's shit like that that pushes kids, not parents supporting a haircut and comfy clothes.

You're doing just fine, the nursery are being weird.

I think there’s a line, and I also think at 4 your job as a parent is to be ensuring she understands that she doesn’t have to BE a boy to like the things that boys like- why does she think she needs to have a boys name for example?

Boys are not the only ones who like football or minecraft- so do girls.

It seems she has decided that because she likes the things her brother likes that she must be a boy- it’s your job as a parent to correct that because she is too young to know.

I was like this as a child. Hated anything girly.

Just let her crack on with it, if anyone asks say that’s what she’s interested in. Enjoying traditionally male hobbies / clothes etc doesn’t mean she identifies as a boy.

Also - don’t let it stick / people label her as a tomboy. My mother is still obsessed with the fact I was a tomboy 30 odd years later, as were many family friends etc - and they always made me feel like a right weirdo for… wanting to wear trousers, enjoying sport and other such radical acts.

If anyone queries if you’re making your child trans, that’s on them.

Seriously these comments. She's 4 and should wear whatever she's comfortable with. I'd be surprised if the nursery stipulated dresses for girls. My DD used to wear cycling shorts and polo shirt for Nursery, they're unlikely to enforce uniform rules at 4.

Also, does what female role models does DD have. Maybe she needs to know about girls/women came like the outdoors, football, computers, bugs etc . These do not make her a boy

If she says she is a boy you need to correct her every time and say she is a girl as she has a different body to her brothers.

However you also then need to say that being a girl or a boy doesn't matter for loads of things and she can still wear whatever clothes she wants at home and have her hair short, and play with whatever toys she wants.
But if school mandates dresses for girls and shorts for boys then you either need to discuss with school/nursery and get them to relax the rules so girls can wear shorts, or just tell her that's the rules and she needs to follow them.

I think it’s very old fashioned to mandate skirts or dresses for girls. You’re already restricting them from doing things the boys can!

Oh God, I was like this as a child: i wanted to be called George and stuffed my hairbunder a cap as my mum wouldn't cut it. Check your parenting though - in my case it was partly because my big brother never had to help clean, make beds, lay the table, but instead fucked off out on his bmx to play everyday while I, younger, had to stay home and help with chores by default (not saying this is you!).. if it helps I turned into a real girly girl in my late teens, lots of pink and long hair, and now in my forties i'm (relatively) normal, just a regular woman with kids and a dog, still complaining about the neverending chores though!

The hair and the clothes are fine. She's still a girl and always will be. I wouldn't agree to call her a different name though.

It sounds like she just wants to be like her older brothers, which is sweet (and understandable!) Hopefully a chat with nursery might reassure them.

My daughter dressed in "boys'" clothes and shoes from as soon as she could express an opinion until Year 5, asking for short haircuts too. She always wore the trousers or shorts uniform options to school, until Y8. She didn't like "girly" toys, but had mix of friends and interests. Towards the last third of junior school, she didn't like people mistaking her for a boy, and she started growing her hair and wearing the odd dress, but she wears a lot of unisex clothes still as a young adult.

I just let her get on with it. I did have some people assuming I made her wear what she did, bizarrely, and one boy at a party cried because he was so upset she was a girl who looked like a boy, but she was just herself and the gender police could bog off!

It doesn't matter what her hair or clothes are. Even at four you can explain that she is a girl, which means she doesn't have a penis, she has a vulva and a uterus etc.

She can be a girl who wears shorts and has short hair. Many women do and this does not make them men.

The nursery sound mad. Them forcing a 4 year old into a dress is as mad as the people who would tell you that your daughter is a boy and was born wrong.

dd2 had her hair cut short at 6 or 7. She still won’t consider wearing a dress, but her hair is a bit longer for starting secondary school. She’s happy having her own style. And she didn’t have a brother to copy.

I was the same. It’s normal. The only thing a boy can do at 4 years old that a girl can’t is wee standing up.

Studies show that young girls dressed in skirts/dresses perform less physical activity than girls in shorts/trackies and boys (in shorts/trackies)

I feel like the people who did these studies didn't notice all the little girls doing handstands and cartwheels with their pants on show all summer.

You tell your dd she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

You tell nursery she's a girl no matter what she is wearing.

What's the problem?

I'd nip the name change in the bud op. Id explain that a child's name is something mummy and daddy choose for them, and that if she doesn't like it when she is 18 she can change it but for now it is what it is.

I'd be quite blunt with her that she's still a girl whatever her name is, because her body is a girls body, and that there's nothing that stops her doing.

I find it weird that clothes are gendered - more specifically female clothes are gendered. They're just clothes.

Lots of schools have neutral uniforms so I can't see why your DD can't wear shorts and polos, it's still school uniform.
They are more practical and less restrictive than a dress.

Do all the female teachers and staff wear dresses?

Not every female wants to wear dresses and have long hair, and if we had wider views of what each males and females are, there might not be so many confused pp thinking their only option is to be the opposite.

She needs to wear her uniform. Hair cut is different.
She can be like her brothers but you need to remind her she is a girl and thats just the way it is.

Also fwiw when I was 4 I wanted to be a dog and my ds wanted to change her name to "Baby Choo Choo".

The less resistance you offer now the sooner she will pass through this phase.