4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

It is totally fine for you to insist that the nursery allows her to wear the version of the school uniform that is comfy. It's ridiculous in this day and age to force a girl to wear skirts and dresses when a lot of women wear trousers and shorts every day (I don't even own any dresses or skirts). It's a restrictive and sexist school policy like this which is MORE likely to push a child into declaring themselves to be the opposite sex, if there are things (like wearing a comfortable uniform) that ONLY the opposite sex is allowed to do.

But be clear with your daughter that anyone who says that she can't do something because she's a girl, or must do something because she's a girl, is lying. She is a girl, but she can do absolutely anything (legal and safe) without restriction. There is nothing that girls are forbidden from or obliged to do that boys are allowed to or excused from doing. Fight for that. This isn't a "gender" thing - she is too young ot have any concept of gender identity beyond sexist lies that someone has been telling her.

Some prep school nurseries do have a uniform policy.

Sorry, just read your latest post. The haircut is none of their business.

I was just like her as a child. I refused to wear skirts, dresses or anything pretty. I had my hair cut short, climbed trees, played football and rode my bike like it was a motorcycle. I said I’d rather be a boy. But this was all before we became obsessed with gender so I was just accepted as me. I was always a girl but there are so many ways to be a girl. I’m still not particularly feminine. My hair is still short, I still hate skirts but do wear dresses. Haven’t climbed a tree in a while but I’m now 47! I’m married to a man and have children. My daughters are very typical girls. We need to realise there are a million ways to be a girl (or boy) and just let children be themselves. Tell the nursery she is a child and is happy in her own skin. If there is a different uniform by gender this is illegal to enforce (they can say either shorts or dress, but not dictate who wears which). They need to let this drop. She won’t necessarily turn out to be trans or gay (and there’s nothing wrong with her if she does).

Just keep telling her she is a girl but let her wear what she wants.

Explain that she doesn't have a willy, so she's a girl.

"...but this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it."

My reply would be "No I haven't been encouraging it, but I do want to know why YOU insist on suggesting to my child that she is a boy everyday?" In reality loads of girls wear trousers, loads of woman wear trousers, through choice. If nursery are telling her she can't wear trousers because she's a girl, and she likes wearing trousers, she may well think that maybe she is a boy, because if she were really a girl she would not like trousers.

But also she shouldn't HAVE to be a boy to wear comfortable clothes.

If anything the nursery uniform policy is upholding the stereotype of what a girl is and what they can and can't do. Nursery age children shouldn't be in uniform based on whether they are a girl or a boy. Fgs.

Take her to the Women’s Rugby this summer and find lots of females that fly in the face of gender stereotypes for her to engage with or read about.
Also it is probably worth a chat to trll
her she can’t change sex,

YANBU I would have done exactly the same OP. The nursery should update their uniform policy as it sounds outdated. I’m pleased your LO is happy with her new haircut as really, that is all that matters!

I was that kid, and I didn't even have brothers to look up to.

I think it's fine, I don't think it's indicative of anything more than the hobbies and activities she's currently into, it sounds like you're handling it fine.

Many kids like to explore at various stages, and enjoy activities and thinking about themselves in different ways - there'll probably be many more stages before adulthood, and you have no idea at this point where that will end up in terms of how she ultimately thinks of herself, her self identity and how she wishes to be in the world.

What it sounds like she will remember is having a loving, supportive parent who encouraged her to be herself, just as she was.

I think school is being slightly ridiculous, and personally would continue to let her wear boys uniform whilst also probably making the point a pp made about physical activity levels being linked to closing, and therefore shorts being a positive choice for a healthy active lifestyle.

One of my DDs wears shorts & polo in the summer, one wears a dress. It's nonsense that they expect her to wear a dress.

You sound v sensible about the whole thing.

Let her be, OP. School are pretty unreasonable to have separate uniforms anyway (ours switched to everyone having all options 2 years ago). I also used a boy name as a small child and had short hair (requested). Dick King Smith's Sophie books were great for me for the idea that you could be a tomboy. Worth a read. My own 4 and 6 year olds often listen to them 1 chapter at a time.

She can wear whatever uniform she likes. Uniform should not be split according to biological sex. Eg girls should be allowed to wear shorts or trousers

But I would nip in the bud any idea that she is a boy. Just ‘No you are a girl. Boys and girls have sexual differences. You can however do exactly the same as them eg climb a tree, shoot etc and you can wear whatever clothes you like but you are a girl’

I would tell your daughter that she is allowed to be a girl who wears whatever she wants, gets her hair cut however she wants, and plays with whatever she wants. Anyone who tells her that makes her less of a girl is lying.

i would tell the school that if a piece of uniform is allowed for anyone it is allowed for all or they are discriminating based on sex.

I'm another one who was just the same as your daughter when I was that age.

It is extremely common (especially given that she has three brothers! Of course she wants to be like them!). If there weren't parents around who were in thrall to all the trans stuff it just wouldn't be a big deal at all.

Perhaps the staff don't actually think its a big deal either, and they just want to check that you aren't one of those parents who are bolting the idea of transness onto ordinary childhood behaviour.

Could she still wear the 'winter' uniform - which seems to offer a choice between skirt and trousers?

I wouyld probably not use the new name she has chosen (except within the context of joining in with her imaginative play). Not specifically because it is a boy's name, but because in the lovely formative interplay of pretending and reality, children need a few boundaries in place to help them shape their sense of themselves.

My 4yo said he was a tiger a drew stripes all over himself. He couldn't go to school like that.

The haircut is fine. I had very short hair as a 7yo and mostly wore a blue tracksuit outside school (but I never thought I was a boy). I think we've gone backwards on things like that, with girls having to be pretty and sparkly rather than practically dressed, but I do think she and you need to follow the school uniform policy.

Have you asked for their uniform policy? Did you sign the policy agreeing to the uniform policy?
If not she can wear what she likes.

She isnt at full time school either so she is in fact allowed to wear whatever. My daughter was born early and at 3 she is still in 12-18months clothes, naturally we cannot buy uniform for her to wear at nursery so we have bought clothes in the nursery colours. Red tshirts and grey or navy leggings/shorts. Generally nursery's like shorts or leggings because its easier for little ones still learning to toilet train.
I think as long as it looks like the clothes she is wearing are somewhat close to the uniform its no big deal.
Maybe start doing some activities together with just her having more female company and away from the boys. It doesn't have to be girly activities but just time together.

The crazy thing is the uniform policy, not the fact she wants to be a boy, which is likely nothing related to being trans at this age.... My son was convinced he was s dinosaur when he was the same age...but obviously wasn't! Why even a uniform at that age and if there is should be unisex with optional add ons.

Even why is there a difference between mens and womens clothes? Why not just skirts and trousers for everyone?
Gender normed clothes is a human construct, not a biological necessity. Wearing skirts or trousers never made anyone male or female or anywhere in between.

Good on nursery for challenging it, nice to see a bit of common sense for a change.
I'd be reminding her she's not a boy, she's a little girl, and she can't change into a boy. She can do still do everything that her brother does, except standing up to pee of course!
At home she can wear what she likes, at school she wears the uniform.

Sounds like me at that age (and most of the rest of my life). I wanted to be a boy like my big cousin. I didn't understand that he could do more fun stuff (like climb to the top of the trees without an adult) because he was older - not because he was a boy. My parents were pretty strict and very traditional, but they agreed to wearing a dress once a week for church until I was in secondary school and could wear what I wanted. Fortunately there were always uniform trousers as an option. I wasn't allowed to cut my hair short, which I think was a shame, so I think tis good your letting her choose that.

My life is certainly better for not thinking of things as 'boy things' - I did well in a STEM degree and tech career and get a huge amount of joy from climbing, Lego and making things. I was never brought up (even in a very old fashioned home) to think I couldn't do those sorts of things. Just keep allowing her to make age appropriate decisions and you won't go far wrong OP

I think you should have a good talk to nursery. There's no logical reason that both sexes can't have the option to wear the shorts version of uniform, and it's really sexist and not giving good messages to the girls to say they have to wear the less practical dress. And who knows what other sexist attitudes may be lurking behind her thinking she has to be boy in order to be herself.

So I'd say to nursery that of COURSE she can wear shorts and have short hair if she wants, you don't think that makes her a boy, you are concerned that she seems to think she has to be a boy to express her own personality and would like to know what nursery are doing to counter such sexist attitudes and ensure children of both sexes feel free to play in any way that suits them.

One of my daughters also idolised her slightly older brother. She wanted to wear his clothes and tee shirts and I just let her. I didn't make a thing out of it and she ended up wearing girl things and being a normal girl.

At a similar age, maybe a year older, my son came home saying he wasn’t a boy (specifically not a girl or a boy). My husband was livid and thought I had pushed my ‘woke’ agenda on to him 😅

What transpired upon gentle questioning was that he equated ‘boys’ with rough and tumble, football and fighting, which he just wasn’t into at all. The majority of girls loved unicorns and squishmallows, and dressing up in sequinned clothes. In his very black and white world view (which it is for children that age) he didn’t feel like he fit in either. I then explained it was very possible for any gender to be interested in anything, and it wasn’t prescriptive. These were multiple conversations over several weeks and there was no mention of it after that. He also wanted to be a capybara at one point and ate grass and water out of a bowl on the floor. A therapist friend told me that between 4 and 6 is a big leap in brain development and they go from feeling basic emotions to multiple, complex ones (like feelings of not belonging, or wanting to experiment with identity) and they don’t have the language capabilities to express that - so saying she wants to be a boy may just mean she enjoys those things more, which is of course normal and likely given the influence of her brothers on her.

I’m surprised nursery had that reaction and I’m very sorry that’s the way it’s gone - preschoolers are wilful and I’m sure with 4 sometimes path of least resistance saves everyone’s sanity! As per pp, shorts and shirt aren’t gendered.

Hope you manage to find a way through that works for all of you 🙏🏽🫶🏽