4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

Calling her a tomboy at all for any reason is regressive.

Why does a girl liking stuff need a special name? Unless its to ensure that she, and everyone else is aware the stuff she likes is what's perceived to be masculine? We can't get rid of the perceptions if we don't get rid of the stupid names.

I could have written this about MY DD. Even her school friends would say she “wasn’t a girl”. Her teacher took me aside because she wore the same shoes as her brother, to school, to ask if they were her choice or mine. My DD was SO excited to have the same shoes as her brother, there’s no way anyone could have thought that I’d pushed her into it - they were simply practical shoes for running round and playing football. She had remote control cars for Xmas, hated dolls and anything pink. I just rolled with it. As far as I’m concerned clothes are simply clothes. So long as they are clean and tidy, who cares.
She is now 16, went to prom in a suit, rather than a dress, but she’s happy being who she is. She’s comfortable knowing that she’s a girl who doesn’t fit into the stereotyped mould that many of her friends do, but they all accept her and love her for who she is, and so do I. Giving your child confidence to be who they are, is the greatest gift you can give them.

Uniform should be interchangeable all through nursery and school. If it’s on the list, then it’s good to go, regardless of sex. I’d be pulling the nursery up on an outdated policy.

Let people talk. Ignore them.

I think the hair cut is a non issue and I don't think I would fight over the uniform but I would tell her she is not a boy, she is a girl, and can never be a boy but that does not mean she can't pursue the things that interest her and wear what she likes when she's not at school. I would not change her name.

No one can tell you how she will feel as she gets older but cross sex identification resolves itself in the majority of cases. Keep reinforcing the idea that girls choices are not limited by their sex.

You are doing great, the nursery are in the wrong

DS1 went to a nursery attached to the school he was going to and they were required to wear the school uniforms.

I also think it is strange they require girls to only wear dresses. It would put me off a nursery and a school if that was required when there is no need to do so.

Look up Holly Branson - Richard Branson's daughter.
He dealt with it really well

Totally agree with most posters here. Don't give in on the name thing. But let her have any haircut she likes, have any interests she likes, and wear what she likes. Politely tell nursery to f**k right off. Someone posted a suggested text for a letter... reads well to me. In a few years time, she might have to wear a uniform, but right now, at age 4, it's bonkers.

For what it's worth, I was a complete 'tomboy' when young. Wore boys clothes, wanted short hair and was very upset that my body wasn't the same as boys! It was a complete phase. I'm all grown up now and very much a woman! :), with kids and husband etc. Hanging around with boys naturally ended for me around age 12, although I did end up in male dominated industry, get on very well with men and still enjoy sports. Your girl is just fine!

Yay! I say.
Absolutely no reason why she should have long hair or wear dresses. I'm all for abolishing rigid gender ideas, they only cause problems.
It's difficult to climb trees in dresses as well, they get caught

Schools should have gender neutral uniforms in the 21st century - both my DC's schools do. Campaign for this at your school. And ignore everyone - she's a girl doing what she wants.

At 4 its very odd to want to change her name. Thats come from somewhere.
And you as the parents really should have said no and that she has a name . She is to young to have no rules or boundaries when it comes to essentials things like names and uniform.
Maybe look at what she is watching online . Or her brothers are watching

I'd push Nursery over the uniform thing - girls should be able to wear shorts if they want. I'm not sure about the name-change - are you using her preferred name?

Oh come on. Even the uber posh prep school nurseries in Kensington like the ones the Royal kids went to have unisex uniforms at nursery. I 100% do not believe in this story.

I do see your point, but it's like anything - why have a label for anything? Plenty of people use the term to describe themselves and have claimed it in a way that moves away from the stereotype. English footballer Kelly Smith for example. The context can very much be subjective and have different connotations depending on who is using it and how. I say this as a former rugby player - it's viewed by my playing fraternity as a positive and affirming term.

OMG just seen it's nursery not school. I have never heard of a nursery that has uniform. Let alone one that enforces gender differences. FFS what a disgrace.

To answer a couple of things people asked — no, we don’t talk about gender stuff at home. Not deliberately avoiding it, it just hasn’t come up. I haven’t said anything like “you can be a boy if you want” or even used words like trans, she’s 4, it’s not something we’ve discussed. She doesn’t have access to YouTube, TikTok or anything like that. Screen time is just CBeebies or the odd film, and usually with her brothers. We’re not a particularly ‘woke’ household, just normal really.

Some people asked where she’s “got the idea” that being a boy is better. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think she sees it as better so much as right for her. She’s the youngest, her brothers are loud and funny and she adores them, especially her 6yo brother. They’re like shadows of each other and I think she just sees how he is and wants to be the same. She plays football with them, copies how they dress, same hair now too. She’s probably trying to fit in and make sense of where she belongs, to be honest.

Re the uniform stuff, she’s at the nursery attached to a primary school so it follows the same uniform policy. It’s polo shirt with either trousers or skirt with tights and a jumper or cardi. In summer girls can wear a checked dress and boys can wear shorts. She will not wear the summer dress. I’ve tried, she screamed and sobbed and completely refused to leave the house. So I’ve been sending her in her brother’s old grey shorts and her usual polo. They’ve been fine with that all year until this week, right after the haircut, when they pulled me in saying they were “concerned” and asking questions that honestly made me feel like I was being accused of doing something wrong.

About the haircut, it wasn’t even that long before, just shoulder length, but it was constantly tangled and she wouldn’t let me brush it or tie it up, and she was sweaty and miserable. It was becoming a real battle. So I gave in on Saturday and let her get it done same as her brother. Not to make a point, just because it was practical and she begged. She’s been so much happier since.

As for names, we haven’t been calling her the boy name she’s chosen. We still use her real name at home. That said, we do use a nickname sometimes that’s probably more of a boys’ name anyway (think something like Alex instead of Alexandra). That’s just always been what we’ve called her.

Anyway, thanks again for letting me ramble. I honestly don’t know if this is just a phase or something more, but I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

When I was a child ( I'm now 60) I wanted to be a boy. I had no concept of actually being a boy of course because the trans thing wasn't a thing.I wanted to be called Colin. The thing is I didn't actually want to physically be a boy, I just wanted to be a boy because I had 2 younger brothers and the rules about what was appropriate for me, as a girl, didn't apply to them. They had far greater freedom than I was ever allowed all through our childhood and adolescence .Your daughter has 3 older brothers and clearly adores them. She should be wearing the uniform for girls . There is nothing she can't do , as a girl, that her brothers can do. Call her by the name you chose for her and don't make a big thing of the rest.I grew out of it, have had 2 husbands, 2 children, and am now a granny of 2. I'm an entirely feminine person and my name is definitely not Colin.

Agree.

Our prom queen when I was in secondary school wore a cream suit instead of a prom dress. She was on the basketball and track team, tons of friends and had been in school with her for years. No one batted an eye and she looked amazing.

My mother would have had a fit if I asked to wear a suit to prom. She gave me hell for not wanting a ballgown for a prom dress. I still wore a dress, just it was an a-line similar to the blue prom dress Donna wore from that 70’s Show.

I've never heard of a school where the girls can't wear shorts or trousers. Shorts are much better for movement and modesty whilst running, climbing and jumping.

I think a conversation with the nursery is needed here. This is most likely a phase DD is going through, she wants to be the same as her peers, her brothers. As a compromise, could she go to nursery in the boy's uniform? She's wearing their uniform without having a meltdown - a win/win situation.

I couldn't be dealing with a nursery that insisted on a skirt for a four year old girl. That seems extremely old fashioned and impractical.

Apologies if it's already come up as I HRTFT, but have you talked to them about alternative options?

My son asked me to call him Bob the builder over and over again. I said no.
Mind you, I rarely call him by his actual name unless he is misbehaving

Apparently it stops her from choosing her own name.

I think you are doing just the right thing
She's 4 and she wants to be like her brothers. No one should be forced to wear their hair long or wear a dress just because they have a vagina.. it's utterly ridiculous.
I'd be really angry at the school actually.
I know my kids school would never be like that. My eldest son used to have hair down to his waist and loved anything pink. The school never commented on it and I never expected them to.
He's in his final year now and has just cut all his hair off and couldn't be more stereotypically 'boy'. Kids are developing their identities and will change and change again throughout their childhoods.
Just be chill about it.
I think it's awful forcing narrow gender perimeters on children just because of your own fears.
One of my DHs earliest memories is having some costume jewelry he was playing with removed from him by his grandpa, who told him he couldn't play with it because he was a boy. Awful.
There's absolutely no need to push adult ideas of gender onto young kids. Let them present however they want.
You sound like a good mum OP doing what's best for your daughter.

So all of this is really over a shorter haircut because she is a girl?

Not surprising unfortunately.

Too many people have hangups over hair when it comes to gender.