4yo DD says she’s a boy and I’m being accused of pushing her

[whatfreshhell0]

Bit of a long one, sorry. Just need to vent and see if anyone else has had this.

DD is 4, youngest of 4 – she’s got three big brothers (10, 8 and 6) and she’s basically grown up trying to keep up with them. She’s loud, funny, loves being outdoors, obsessed with football and bugs and Minecraft. Couldn’t care less about dolls or sparkly stuff. Just not her thing. She’s always just been more into “boy” things but recently it’s stepped up – she’s been saying she is a boy and asking us to call her by a boy’s name she picked (it’s a normal name, just v much a boy one).

She’s also super close to her 6yo brother – they’re like twins, always together. She looks up to him loads and copies everything. She’s started saying she wants to be like him – clothes, hair, everything. On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him – really short. It was boiling hot and she was constantly sweaty and matted, wouldn’t let me brush it or put it up. She was so happy after the haircut, couldn’t stop smiling. Been showing everyone her “cool haircut like [brother]”.

She also flat out refuses to wear the summer dress for nursery (it’s the uniform) – completely melts down if I try. So I’ve just been sending her in her brother’s old school shorts and a polo. No one said anything till now. But this week nursery pulled me aside saying they’re “concerned” and asked if I’ve been “encouraging” it. I honestly nearly laughed. Like what? For letting her wear comfy clothes and cut her hair?

I’ve never said anything to her about being a boy or girl or anything like that. Just let her wear what she wants and didn’t fight her on the haircut because she was clearly miserable. But now I’ve got staff side-eyeing me and family making comments that I’m confusing her or pushing her into being trans or whatever. Even MIL said she’ll “end up bullied or messed up” if I don’t “nip it in the bud”. What exactly am I meant to do? Force her into a dress and make her cry every morning?

She’s FOUR. She knows what she likes and what she doesn’t, and I’m just trying to keep things calm and let her be herself. But now I’m doubting myself and feel like I’m being judged for doing the wrong thing, whichever way I go.

Of a grown woman went for a short haircut not one person would start questioning if a lived one was pushing them to be trans.

This is one of the issues with the trans movement. It’s reinforcing the gender stereotypes we seeing years fighting against.

Same as shorts and polo. Perfectly normal for any child to wear in the summer and much more practical for nursery and infant aged children.

She’s the youngest girl of 3 brothers.

My poor brother was the only boy with 2 older sisters and 5 older girl cousins. We have 100’s of childhood photos of him being dressed up by us in our dressing up clothes - mostly princesses and ballerinas 😂.

My nephew had long hair until he was 9 and wanted it cut.

My neighbours DD had always had short hair and never worn a dress and chooses clothes from the “boys” section. None has ever questioned her sex or her choices and she’s never asked to be called anything other than her - clearly - female name.

Your DD is just being herself and as her mum you are helping her be herself. Job well done imo.

I think laughing at the school would have been a perfectly reasonable response - I’m not sure why you stopped yourself!!!

If the dress is compulsory you’ll have to move her schools or campaign for a more gender neutral (by that I mean not gender stereotyped) uniform.

All the girls in my infant class wear shirts and polo in the summer. It’s quite odd I expect the none wear a dress but they can play so freely in what they wear.

Crikey. You havnt done anyhting wrong. Who wouldnt want to wear comfy shorts and a polo. Women can have shorts hair.
Id fire back at people that they are dictating what a girl or women should be.

I agree with this. Just no name change.

I was like this when I was young. I really wanted to be a boy and was always trying to prove I was like boys. It was only after my DH got annoyed after another visit to my parents where they idolised my bother and hero worshiped my dad that I started to see why I didn’t like being a girl when I lived at home. I still didn’t fully realise it until I had my own children and saw how differently they treated my son and daughter. It was completely subconscious as they love them both equally.

Of course I wanted to be a boy. In our family boys were better. They were stronger, thinner, fitter, cleverer and their interests were more valid. When I see how much my DH values his mother and my daughter and has such a tremendous respect for them, I feel a bit sad for my younger self.

I’m not saying your situation is like this as I don’t know anything about your family but that was the situation for me.

that is nonsense. What's wrong with shorts? Compulsory skirts/dresses for girls should have gone extinct with dinosaurs.

My daughters hated those nasty summer dresses and wore shorts and t-shirts. totally fine.

When my grandson was three and four he wanted to be a dog. He still dressed appropriately for nursery. You are the adult and it's up to you to ensure your daughter wears uniform. Your daughter can wear what she likes at home. You sound like you are making excuses.

I just remember putting my cute 1 year old in a dress and seeing her struggling to crawl and thought, you're already limited by your gender and you are 1 years old. Really don't think girls should be forced into skirts at all.

This message made me think could the older brothers potentially look to have more fun/privileges? Because they are older not necessarily because they boys though but maybe in your DDS head she may think it's because they are boys.

Also another one here whose daughter refused dressed (though from about age 6) and wore "boys" shorts to school. Even though uniform policy stipulated girls and boys uniform. School or myself never had a conversation about it and a couple of years ago the policy changed to be a list of uniform without specifying if for a boy or girl. I never understood the idea of it being uniform is half the pupils are wearing something else, how does that fit the definition of uniform!

My lovely daughter is now 16. She was exactly the same as your little girl when she was that age. Absolute melt downs at being made to wear a dress from 3 onward and wanted to be a boy. I just let her wear shorts and polo as per the boys. It was never an issue. I was always pretty firm on there being lots of ways to be a girl and that she wasn’t an actual boy, But supported her in wearing whatever she felt comfortable in.

She’s now a proud and very confident young gay woman. She went to prom in a suit last night and I was so so proud. I’m so glad we let her be who she is and didn’t force her into wearing a dress to confirm with ridiculous stereotypes.

I believe in uniform too. But why shouldn’t a girl wear the ‘boy’ version when it is comfortable and more conducive to activity and fun?

Not saying she’ll be gay by the way. Just that you are doing the right thing to let her thrive however makes her happy!

I’m 60 but I would have refused to wear dresses and skirts at that age, and forever, as I just don’t like them. My grandma went loopy because I refused to wear a frilly dress to my cousin’s wedding when I was about 8 and thankfully, my mum supported me. I did have to wear skirts for school at secondary school so mine were all ankle length when everyone else was wearing them above the knee.

Nursery can’t insist that girls wear skirts if boys are allowed to wear shorts or trousers though, so I’d fight that one on the grounds of blatant sex discrimination.

I thought life would be much better if I was a boy for many years, as I was a complete tomboy and the total opposite of a girly girl. Still am really. 😂

I think I’d just explain to her that there’s no such thing as boys interests and girls interests and being into the same thing as her brothers doesn’t make her a boy. Kids get funny ideas, and stereotypes are forced on them everywhere from the moment they’re born.

The uniform is ridiculous though. I’m not sure schools are allowed to specify different uniforms by sex. If it’s okay for a boy to wear it it’s okay for a girl to wear it and vice versa.

I don't understand. Is she bigger than you? Surely you can just put her in the dress and take her in kicking and screaming. Eventually will she not get over it. Otherwise the message is "kick off and I will get whatever I want". It's great to raise free- thinking people who are not afraid to be themselves. But people also have to comply with rules like speed limits and laws etc. You are the parent and she is in charge at the age of 4?

A friend’s DD back in the 1970s declared herself to be a boy/girl, about the same age as OP’s DD. She refused to wear her bikini top, No one made a big deal about it. I’m 76 and as a child wished I could be a boy because I wanted to be a soldier on a horse 😱 but girls weren’t allowed in the army. How times have changed!

I don’t feel like letting a 4yo wear shorts instead of a dress and have short hair should be cause for drama.

It really shouldn't. Anyone who feels otherwise is relying on gender stereotypes to dictate how children should behave.

It’s your child your choice … but you are in denial if you think you are not encouraging it “. “On Saturday I let her get the same haircut as him” and then you put her in his clothes. You are literally helping her mimic him.

Surely you can just put her in the dress and take her in kicking and screaming.

But why? Why should a child with two x chromosomes and a uterus be forced into wearing an item of clothing which she doesn't want to wear? Why can't she wear the same clothing as the children with a y chromosome and a penis? Can you actually give one sensible reason?

Where has she got the idea that the activities she likes and being loud and...funny(??)...are things associated with boys and that dolls and sparkly things are for girls? She shouldn't be thinking she has to be the same sex as her brothers to do the things they do. I'd want to address that as my priority.

I'm so glad your daughter has a mum like you, and not one who thinks it's appropriate to force girls to wear dresses. I bet she looked awesome in her suit!

If she was insisting she was a cat, wearing a cat ear headband, and asking to be called Mittens, nobody would give a fig. Regressive stereotyping and the pretence that gender is anything other than a description of those stereotypes has made a harmless phase into a cause for totally unnecessary drama.

My son was a horse - robot called Inky Pongo for the best part of a year and nobody gave a shit because he was 4!!

He also had long hair and loved pink, so the irony of people asking if he was 'trans' in a way they never asked if was 'equine' or 'cyborg' wasn't lost on me.

When I was a child ( I'm now 60) I wanted to be a boy. I had no concept of actually being a boy of course because the trans thing wasn't a thing.I wanted to be called Colin. The thing is I didn't actually want to physically be a boy, I just wanted to be a boy because I had 2 younger brothers and the rules about what was appropriate for me, as a girl, didn't apply to them. They had far greater freedom than I was ever allowed all through our childhood and adolescence .

Reminds me of my own childhood. I didn’t have brothers but noticed early on that boys seemed to have more privileges than girls and could get away with more in school. My dad always said I could do anything I set my mind to, but my mother was the one who said I couldn’t do xyz because I’m a girl or girls don’t do that. We were often at odds.

Trans people had always existed and I was aware of them due to tv, but my parents never talked about such things nor gave context. I grew up at a time where no one batted an eye at men dressing up as women and vice versa for comedic effect so didn’t know the difference between cross dressing, drag, and trans. Tbh, I didn’t care and still don’t.

Although i raised my 3 boys "modern" way - that there are no girls/boys toys or activities, at about 4-5 they picked up that they don't want certain things because they are "for girls". So go figure

She is dressed appropriately for nursery. There’s no reason on earth why trousers and a polo shirt should be fine for girls in winter but shorts and a polo shirt aren’t ok in summer. Especially if the boys can wear shorts in summer.

The only people you should be bringing this up with are the nursery for having a stupid discriminatory policy. Otherwise she’s 4 and adults should stop putting their GC or trans hang ups onto a 4 year old who’s probably going through a fairly typical phase. Just let her be in the same way you would if she decided she was a dog or a cat.

My DS loved wearing his sisters clothes and happily wore a dress to nursery. A few parents raised eyebrows but mostly nobody cared. Now neither would consider wearing a dress and both happy well adjusted children. Your DD sounds a perfectly happy 4 year old. Let her stay that way.

Not really the point of the thread but I was saying to DH earlier that the school DS is going to allow girls to wear skirts or trousers but the boys can only wear trousers. If it’s hot like it has been in the summer it doesn’t seem fair. And I think they should let boys wear shorts or both girls and boys wear shorts and skip the dresses so that they have the same options. It feels really old fashioned to have a boy = trousers and girl = skirt rule