Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

Does neither of you own a house/flat?
Is he a lawyer by profession?

Wonderful father yes but not wonderful partner material.

I agree, I am happily married but if I ever became single again I would prefer to live separately rather than a blended family set up. You get the dates and some sleep overs but ultimately still have your own space where you can each parent your own children and keep it as their home

He sounds like a generous, sensible, honest man with his daughter as the priority in his life. Many women would love the relationship set up you describe.

Time isn't on your side to meet a different decent man who is not only wonderful but who wants have a baby!

Are you financially secure enough and do you have sufficent support to consider having another baby with a donor? Would he remain your boyfriend if you went through pregnancy/ raising another child as a single parent or would that be a deal breaker for him?

That seems to be the only way you can satisfy your desire for another child and keep this man in your life (as a decent boyfriend, not as a co-parent or future husband though).

Any pregnancy is a gamble, but I'm not sure I'd want to take the gamble of an over-40 pregnancy without a definitely supportive and committed partner by my side at the start. Not when I already had one child - maybe if I didn't and it was my one chance.

If you get pregnant soon, you'll either have your current semi-detached partner, or a new partner who's an unknown quantity, or no partner. That's at 40, with the significantly greater chance of age-related pregnancy and baby health problems that could leave you struggling without support.

Ironically you might end up even further away from a perfect pregnancy and baby stage this time round, but with no support at all, which is something to think about if you think you are yearning for a second go as other posters have suggested.

Why are you placing your future happiness in his hands? You seem to be treading water, waiting for him to, well, do what? Change his mind?

The fact he’s lovely is utterly irrelevant. He’s been clear about what he doesn’t want (children or marriage) and if that differs from your wants and hopes, then walk away. He’s not the only lovely man in the world. Make your own happiness and the decisions you want to make.

I don’t understand why you’ve stayed with him for four years if you wanted another child. Usually a year or two is long enough to know if a relationship can work long term and if you want the same things. This man has always been completely honest with you.

I agree that having counselling could help you work out what you want for the future.

Marriage and children are two different things. If both people don't want children then it's off the table in that relationship as you can't have a reluctant parent. Marriage is different. Everyone is telling you there's a choice between Marriage and him, but equally he should be faced with the choice of staying single or you. I think there needs to be a conversation where he knows he has the choice and stands to lose the relationship, rather than everyone assuming it's only one way round.

You're wishing for something impossible, for him to completely change his position and marry you and share his house with you. He's said that will never happen. You need to stop fantasising that it will.

Not sure if I've missed an answer to this, but would you have a child via donation OP? Would he stay in the relationship if you did?

Not wonderful because he’s been honest about not wanting kids or getting married? Op said he’s amazing. She should respect his decisions and not force him into what do doesn’t one. If a man was op people would be saying he’s a walking red flag .

OP has to wait at least 7yrs to find out if this happens as well. Maybe he means it or maybe he doesn't.

I think OP needs to decide if what she has now is enough. It might be all it ever is. She wants marriage and more children. It's an enormous compromise. He's been clear all along that isn't on the cards.

Maybe he doesn’t want to ever own a property with anyone, I know I won’t ever again. He may own something but would rent with OP in the future. Honestly, he sounds like my kind of man.

Concentrate on making yourself more financially secure and improving the life of the child you already have.

I quite agree and do not see why 'resentment' would creep in because the guy has been completely honest all along, If he was stringing her along it would be different but he isn't.

He may change his mind in time, people do as they get older, children are grown and they think, "Why not?". However he isn't saying that now

OP you have your daughter and your own home, you can please yourself quite a bit. I wish you would appreciate it and not hanker for more. The 'more', if you had it, could well turn out to be much less and regretted.

Here's my experience. I'm the one who didn't want marriage and children. I've always been very clear from the outset that it wasn't on the table.

Every single relationship has been with a partner who ignored that and tried to change my mind once the relationship became serious. No one, and I mean no one, would have changed my mind about the two biggest decisions you can ever make.

I wasn't waiting for 'the right one to come along' as they always thought. Of course, they always thought they were 'the right one'. Love bombing became resentful nagging from partners who knew from the beginning this wouldn't happen.

This man will currently offer OP nothing more than they have right now. If it's ok, then stay. If OP thinks she could twist his arm into marriage, she may be in for heartache. He's already said living together will not be for at least 7yrs.......

From the way you describe your first "fairytale" marriage i would say...

Is this really about social status?

I’m sure Op says he’s 46, so on the way to approaching 50, so at that point in life some (not all) people are wanting to slow down and enjoy what they have. Yes, there are older woman that still have kids in their mid 40s and plenty of men still become dads in their 50s but it does get harder, you’re tired, your back hurts etc which is why some people don’t want that. I don’t think it’s a problem that the partner doesn’t want this. I also think it’s fine he doesn’t want to buy a house together, you can still be in a loving committed relationship and still live separately. I think op is feeling the pressure of societal norms. She of course is entitled to feel the way she does but unreasonable for her to be upset when he’s told her from the start he doesn’t want all that.

I was very upfront with my second husband that I didn’t want more children-he would’ve been happy. He decided to appreciate what he had which was a great relationship and existing children’s I would’ve hated it if he’d tried to change my mind at all or got unreasonable when I’d been up front all along.

I think if you are so ill at ease with his fundamental level of connection and commitment that you can't stop thinking about it or asking advice - it is a reflection something is not right in this relationship

Marriage matters to YOU. and he is saying daily that what matters to you isn't important to him and he won't budge on it.

That is a big deal. It could be resolvable but I think it's okay to accept that it's a big deal.

At 40 how likely is it that you will find someone else within the timeframe to have kids?

It’s difficult to know whether he is prioritising his child or whether he will only ever want a semi-detached relationship. What is the plan once his DD goes to uni? Will you live together then?

I think that’s actually more important than the child issue which is a long shot at your age.

If he will never want to live together and that’s what you want, this is a dead end.

It’s a bit unfair to say he is daily saying what OP wants isn’t important to him. You could equally say his wanting to be unmarried is not important to OP. There’s no right or wrong here just two people who want different things. He has said from the off he doesn’t want to be married or have any more children and she was free to end it if she couldn’t reconcile with that.

Either accept that he does not want to marry or have more kids or move on.

I personally think my line in the sand is that he is unwilling to live together. For the rest of your lives, are you meant to live in separate households? Not having another child when you'd like one will create resentment. It is wonderful he has been open and honest but I don't see this situation changing for your benefit. You should live a life you want. Even if that means taking time to get to know someone new.