Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

I think he sounds like a great guy. You've both got kids, you've both been married before and have come out of those relationships. He is rightly so, prioritising his child.

There's a million stories on here about blended families coming together with two step parents, and it's always a shit show quite frankly with fights about bedrooms, fiances, the other persons family not treating their child as "family" and it's always the children who suffer.

If you want marriage and a baby then move on.

Him prioritising what’s best for his DC is good, but he isn’t showing adequate consideration for what’s best for OP’s DC (and nor is OP).

If it ain't broke, don't try and fix it.

But he's been open and honest from the start about not wanting marriage or any more children.

From the looks of it, he is 100% committed to the OP.

It does, in my view. Just because he said he would not commit to marriage or children does not prevent him from making efforts to be a better partner in other ways. If you are dating a woman/man with a child, then you should be prepared to make adjustments/sacrifices for that child's best interest. Not disrupting that child's routine is a minimal thing to do. OP is making all the adjustments for his daughter's sake but he is not reciprocating. And OP calls him a wonderful partner. What is wonderful about him apart from the fact that he is doing what a father is supposed to do anyway? He is not doing anything above and beyond for OP and her daughter. That is indeed a low bar.

What post are you reading? It sounds like Op has one child the partner has one child… who is popping out all these babies you mention?

You've both got a healthy child each. Why risk all of that by having a baby at 40 & 47? Much higher risk of something going wrong. Also, do you really want to still have kids at home when you're in your 60's and he's in his 70's?

I told DH that I didn't want more kids when we met. I was 38 with an 11 & 9 year old. He was 35, with no kids. He accepted it. We are now mid 50's and very happy, kids have left home and we are planning retirement and loads of travel.

Risking your security at that age and combining finances is a hard decision. You might have to countenance that you simply don’t tick that box to make it worth the risk for him.

If you want different things in life that makes you incompatible and none of you would be the wonderful partner for the other.

As a childfree woman I can tell you that I've got a ton of "But what if you meet the perfect man and he wants kids???" comments and my answer was always the same: if he wants kids, he's not the perfect man for me. Eventually I got together with my now-husband who is also childfree.
What you have here is a vice versa situation: you might think he's wonderful for you but he is just not because your goals and values don't align (if having more kids and being married is your goal and you're planning to stand by it despite loving your life together as it is now).

Not sure why you're moving your child back n forth all the time doesn't really sound the best environment for her ... And as she ages and develops her own social life and does exams etc whats that going to look like?

I think you should take a leaf out of his book and work out whats best for your dd and then yourself...

He doesn't sound completely committed as in all in but has very clearly comnicated his boundaries and wants .. would suggest you do the same..

Maybe if you need help with that look at some counselling/therapy.. to help yourself do that..

I think if you love him and your life together as it is then just stay as you are. You already have a child each and are financially comfortable.

There are no guarantees if you leave that you will meet someone else you want to marry or have children with, or how any pregnancy would go given your age.

How wonderful a partner is he? Funny and charming don't equal wonderful. There are two things he knows are important to the OP, and he isn't prepared to consider either of them. Therefore I can't see how he is 'wonderful' for her.

Are you sure he’s divorced?

This sounds like the perfect set up to me.

If you break up with him, send him my way!

Neither of you are wrong but there is no resolution to this - you just want different things.

I’ve raced through this thread but I think that some people have mentioned that your partner may be wary of merging finances, especially as he has a daughter, and this is behind his decisions about your relationship .

However I think there would be ways for him to protect his daughter’s interests if you married, whether through a carefully drawn up pre- nuptial agreement or other legal arrangements.

I wonder, if your unease in this situation is really about the lack of security and lack of commitment to a shared future.

It sounds as if you very much want to put that hope and commitment to permanence into a relationship again. He doesn’t . He might be in a holding pattern with you for the next 10 years or so, while his DD grows up. Then? I’m wondering what the chances are that he would leave you.

I really feel for you OP. In your position I would be looking to talk to him about his intentions long term.

You say that you really love him - do you think he loves you?

This.

You want different things beyond a baby. You want a family, marriage, security it sounds like he was burned financially first time around and won't change his mind. The fact you have been together that long and you still feel like a guest rather than blended family probably tells you all you need to know. What does your daughter think of him? Does he keep their relationship limited so his daughter doesn't get jealous?

I suppose we all take different things from a ‘story’.

I see man who has had a failed marriage prioritising his daughter and her future while enjoying a relationship with a woman who his daughter treats in a friendly and courteous manner by welcoming her and her daughter as guests to her and her father’s home.

I see a woman who has had a failed marriage who, despite that, being settled financially, having a daughter, and a wonderful boyfriend/partner, also wants another child and another marriage and doesn’t value her and her daughter being treated in a courteous and welcoming way by the two inhabitants of a house she is invited to.

OP, that may sound brutal but we have to consider things from different perspectives. Have you considered how your daughter might feel if she realises in the future you were so determined to have another child, why was she not enough for you ? Currently, she has you to herself, why should she want you to add your boyfriend/partner and his daughter and possibly a new baby to the mix in a new home permanently ? Yes, she meets them and has a good relationship with them but you and she live together in your/her home as they do in theirs.

Why would you boyfriend/partner want a child who when they were 20 he would be close to retirement ? Why would a child want a father who when they are 20 has a Dad who is more interested in retirement than helping them on their start in life ? Why would your boyfriend/partner’s child want you, your daughter and maybe a new half-sibling invading her and her Dad’s home permanently ?

I think it might be best to explore why you feel the need for another child. Why would your life be better bringing up two children than one ?

A lot of people will be thinking what a great life you, your boyfriend/partner, and the two children have now and could have in the future. Maybe in ten + years time if the girls are settled, you and your boyfriend/partner might decide you could go for the full living together/marriage thing but I struggle to see the benefits on you marrying him and having a baby now.

I’m not telling you what to do but I hope I have given you some food for thought. The most important things I believe are to get to the bottom of why you think you want another child and to consider whether things would change for the better for the two current children for you to all live together whether with a new half sibling or not.

Accept and be grateful for what you have or move on and try to find someone else; but may not be easy.

I think he is a sensible man not to want more complications into your and your children lifes.

I'm in the same camp as the boyfriend here. I never want to live with another partner again. I'm financially independent and secure so I don't need to. It suits me to have my own space and my own security without completely intertwining my life with someone else. I have a daughter of a similar age and 100% any man I see would be a guest in her home. She had to share her home with a man who wasn't her dad and he treated her like an inconvenience. I'm not floating that possibility again with anyone.

My point is, there may well be valid reasons your boyfriend is reluctant to marry, have kids, move in together. The only thing that matters is are you willing to change your mindset and accept you'll be living separately, and not as a married couple? There are so many advantages to that lifestyle (I love it!). But if it's not for you, and neither of you will change your mind, you have to think carefully about what's more important to you - having him in your life or having that 'family' set-up.

I missed the part where you take your daughter to his place part of the week. I had assumed she was at her father's.

I had that set up a couple of times as a kid growing up. I hated it. I would have to get up extra early, and just spend time with people who weren't my family and there was no emotional comfort. I've got some feels about this and I may be projecting but keep it in mind.

What are you going to do when she wants to have a social life with her friends or go to activities around her home and she's being drug back and forth? What is his daughter and yours hit those teen years and really don't get along? Add in his kid who makes it obvious you guys are guests only, and you aren't really doing her any favours here.

Your boyfriend's home is not her home. His family is not her family. You're not a blended family.

And this is on top of you wanting different things out of life.

If you ‘had it all’ and it fell apart, why would you seek to repeat that pattern? You sound financially secure, your partner sounds scarred from his previous relationship (or maybe the break up). Could you get a bigger place for yourself and DD?

This.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30

Hmme sounds like you had a tick list of things to achieve rather than an idea of who you were as a person and how you wanted to live your life. Not everything on your list was ticked off and that's what's driving you.
Have a look at this
It might resonate?

@Cannotdhakefeeling you are in a tough situation with what you both hope for/want for your future is currently misaligned, even if there are many positives. It sounds like for him he's done that with regards to marriage and a child. For you, your life was interrupted and you want to complete the next stage, finish what you started.

I don't think the question is him or starting again with another man b/c honestly that may not come, it isn't something you can control. You may meet someone else who doesn't want marriage and babies, you may realise he doesn't handle conflict well, you may fall for someone deeply and they may not feel the same about you. You also may not meet someone else!

The questions I'd ask myself are....

• What made me stay this long knowing we want different things?
• Is what we have enough or will I/do I feel resentful this is only a portion of what I want for my/my daughter's future?
• Could I realistically expand my family on my own? Housing? Finances? Mental capacity?
• What happens if I chose to leave the relationship to have a baby and wasn't able to conceive? Would I want to adopt? Would I give up this dream and then feel I shouldn't have ended the relationship? Pregnancy is not certain at any age but definitely not at nearing 40.
• What is my daughter's attachment to him and am I cutting off an important relationship for her? Is this a second loss of a father/father figure? While that's not enough to stay in a relationship is bad/toxic (clearly this one isn't that) I do think when you introduce a new figure into a child's life you can't not think of the impact there too. You are making a massive choice for both of you. You could enter a new relationship for you, with someone who wants a baby, and find she and this new man don't get along well.
• Is it that you are sad your daughter doesn't have a sibling relationship? Is there a way to address whatever void you/she feels? What is the relationship like with his daughter? Does she have cousins she can have a close relationship to?
• If you and he broke up in 5 years, say he broke up with you, would you feel anger that you gave up so much for a relationship that wasn't permanent and now it was too late?

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. I have many friends both female and male who have compromised on having children/not having more children for their relationship with their partners. For some it is not something they regret and they have beautiful and healthy relationships with new goals and priorities that have given them good lives, even if different to how they originally imagined. For others, after a glass of wine, they admit secretly that this will always be a deep deep source of pain for them always wondering 'what if??'. For me, the one compromise I wouldn't make was children. But my compromise isn't the same as someone else's and this is a deeply personal choice for us all.

Good luck. It's time to make the decision and move forward confidently. The only thing I would say is you need to be comfortable with the what if's b/c nothing is guaranteed - not your relationship with him, not your fertility, not finding someone else etc.