Wonderful Partner doesn’t want to marry or have kids

[Cannotdhakefeeling]

My first post and it’s long but don’t want to be accused of the dreaded drip feed.
I have had this conversation ad nauseum with my mother, sister, cousins and friends. In fact I have had this conversation with everyone except work friends. They all broadly say the same things and say I should count my blessings and enjoy life.

I always wanted the massive wedding with the man of my dreams, lovely house and children! Classic! I did all this by 30!

Three years later, divorced living in a studio flat which I admittedly own, with my little girl. Husband had borrowed money off everybody we know, remortgaged our house, defaulted on everything and left. No hint at all.

Four years ago I met this guy through work although we don’t work at the same place, he had a really sound reputation.

We had a few drinks and meals together and he would stay occasionally if my daughter was with my mum. All good. He wouldn’t come with me though to a family wedding as he was still living with his wife from whom he had separated and didn’t ever want his child to imagine we were in a relationship before he had left the house.

Six months later they had sold the house and he had given her more in order to secure his daughter’s future. After staying with his brother and about a year after we had met he introduced us to his daughter and they excitedly started to look for houses. He categorically refused to buy a house with me.
He did not want compilations in his life following his failed marriage which was not abusive or anything like mine, just grew apart.

So at 39 I have this lovely relationship with a kind, generous man, my daughter and I stay with him half the week. He sometimes stays with us. When his daughter is at his house they plan nice things for us sometimes but it is as if I am the guest of this 11 year old girl. We have family holidays and he pays for everything. I am in a much better financial position because of him.

He has a lovely family who treats me and my daughter well but she is not treated as a grandchild. We have amazing friends and a nice lifestyle. Lots of friends envy our setup.

I want more children but I am 40 next year, and another marriage. He doesn’t! He has always been honest and open.

Everyone says count your blessings. One older cousin says have another child via donation. I love him and love our life.

He sounds like a great guy. Prioritising his child, even at your detriment sometimes- with you feeling like a guest. It sound be that way, his girlfriend feeling like a guest rather than his child. He’s been honest from the start about not wanting another child.

I mean this in a kind way- you sound a bit immature wanting a wedding if he doesn’t. You have experience already that the big showy wedding doesn’t mean anything. It’s the relationship behind it that matters. I do understand about wanting another child but with your age it’s unlikely you’d meet someone else and have a child with them before fertility drops off (obviously there are exceptions and women do have babies in late 40’s.) I’d say count your blessings and enjoy the relationship with a lovely man. He sounds very sensible.

Do you love him enough to go on with the way you’re living at the moment?
Unfortunately, you are the only one who can make this decision to stay or go. I can’t even decide if you are BU or not in this instance.

Your fertility is already in steep decline and the risk of abnormality is increased. So you would be sacrificing a decent relationship for something that may never happen.

It doesnt sound like he is massively in love but he's providing companionship and helps when you need it. You could drop this relationship in search of something better and find something considerably worse.

You've had one abusive marriage, you know how badly things can go wrong. I'd suggest you enjoy what you have while making sure you also build friendships outside this relationship.

I think you've got a lot of fantastic answers and advice here, and your family and friends are echoing them.

I'd say from here you need to write down your options;

• Stay
• Leave
• Stay & use a sperm donor

You need to weigh up how each of these options will affect you, your daughter and (if option 3) the new baby and also your partner. You also need to consider the eventuality that leaving might not result in a marriage or baby either (from experience, the dating pool aged 35+ is filled with some pretty awful men).

FWIW there have been documented cases of babies of anonymous sperm donors with it having some later impacts on their mental health relating to their identity, so this is something you'd have to look into seriously if you went down that route.

Could you have some short-term counselling to help you come to a decision?

This isn't necessarily true.

Im divorcing and I wouldn't cohabit with another man while my kids are at home, nor have another child, no matter how in love or committed I was.

This wouldn't be a reflection on my love for them, more the stage im at in my life right now and for the foreseeable.

Why is the OP putting her life on hold? Is being married the only kind of relationship worth having?

The OP's relationship sounds ideal to me - a man who is sorted, cares for his child and puts her first and has clearly stated his wants from the start

I agree with you, MagpieP. Some of the best relationships are between people who do not live together. However if somebody wants the 'happy ever after', anything we say won't change that. All I can say is good luck to them both, whatever happens.

Perhaps if the op had a bigger place she would feel differently but maybe she will achieve that in time, people do.

I would consider what would be in the best interest of your daughter.
If you continue to live your life as it is now or whether she would be happier / sad if he & his daughter were no longer part of your lives.
As he seems to be doing what he considers best for his & his daughter. Best you do the same. Would you both be happier / sadder if they were no longer in your lives. If Sadder, how long would it take you both to adjust and be happy with your family of 2.
As there is no guarantee that you will meet someone that you would be happy to be in your daughter & your life, in time for you to hopefully have another child.
Or if you go down the donor route, would you start this journey as soon as you broke up and how would this effect your daughter.

Oh please, op, no donors. You have a child, be glad! Many people cannot even have one, you are blessed.

I once met a woman who had just turned 41 (in the January), was in a bad relationship with a cocklodger, had a 6 year old from a previous relationship, and said she wanted to get married by the end of the year and have another baby.

Rather amazingly, she kicked the cocklodger out, met a new partner, married him three months later, immediately got pregnant and had a straightforward pregnancy and new baby at 42. So she was in fact married by the end of the year and did have another baby. But, and it's a big but, the marriage only lasted about 3 years.

I don't get the desperation for a baby when you have one. A child is not an accessory.

However I doubt the op will do that, she will see sense and either appreciate and continue her current relationship as it is, or not and end it.

Your boyfriend’s approach is the model I think more people should follow. Once you have kids, they are the priority. You can have a relationship, but it doesn’t need to be cohabitation, marriage, and more children.

Honestly, I think you've left it too late to have more children. Your current circumstance means you won't have enough space to go it alone, and there won't be time to break up, grieve your relationship, meet someone new, introduce your daughter, get married and conceive...

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil you (however nice the other person may be). In your circumstance, I'd probably break up with him, before resentment builds. There is definitely time to meet someone who will want to marry you, move in and build a life. The only spanner then, is whether you wait until your daughter is older before moving in with someone else new. Personally I'd wait. But at least you'd be with someone who wanted to marry etc, when the time was right, rather than with someone who'd made it clear the relationship wasn't going anywhere, ever.

What is the issue? He told you he doesn’t want to get married or have kids. So why are you complaining?

The problem is this won’t go away and resentment will start to creep in more and more as time goes on.

You cannot change his feelings, just as he can’t change yours.

If you do leave him, be very careful not to latch onto the wrong person because of desperation. In other words be fully prepared to be on your own, and in which case, enjoy it and embrace it.

Looks like you have a clear choice to make OP. Enjoy what you have or end it and find someone who wants the things you do.

Why don't have have a period of time without seeing him and have a think about your life.

He's 46? Then I think he's entirely sensible not to want more kids. Sounds like he wants to keep the situation exactly how it is, and you only have the possibility of living with him once your daughters both leave school. Odd that he's suggesting at that point you rent rather than pool your existing resources.
Sounds like you want a serious, committed relationship and he's happy to keep you as the girlfriend.

I am baffled by the posters who think that staying together but having a baby by donor is an option. Why would that be a tenable life step for him?

If that's not enough

Of course it's not enough for op. That's why she has created this post.

I agree.

You are a guest though, it’s his daughters home and not yours
“ we might rent together when the kids are at uni” isn’t much to build your future on

Also, he wants to rent in future with op. He is 46, does he think in 10 years time when his dd go to university he will be renting or does he not trust you enough to not want you to live in his own peoperty.
He does not see you a life partner, op.

You are the guest, it’s not your house or home.

I don't understand these responses.
It's his daughter's home, op is a guest. Is telling her that going to make op's feelings go away if she feels awkward there?

Why such focus on make a point to op and not advice for op what she should do?

Why the responses are from his point of view? He is not asking for advice. Why not tell op he is not right for her

Why don’t you read what I have said