Boyfriend Red Flag?

[littletinybaby]

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

What nerves? A 40 years old bloke has a meal in a familiar setting meeting an additional friend of his girlfriend's.
If he can't handle this in a mature civilised manner, then he'd be absolutely insufferable under real stress.
He's 40, fully grown, set in his ways. You've just seen his other side which is quite disgusting and also immature.
Taking any kind of recreational drugs would have been a big reason not to get into a relationship with him.
Not great for your DS to have witnessed this behaviour in his own home.

He'd had coke

Dump him

1. He's a drug user I'd dump him for that. (He'd obviously snorted when he went to the toilet, he's a liar, most drug users are)
2. Do you want to feel worried everytime you meet up with other people that he will behave like a complete tosser (chances are he will), or do you want to be relaxed knowing you are with someone who knows how to behave around others?
3. How old is your son ? If he is little don't expose him to this idiot any more, If he is late teens or older ask him how he feels about how this bloke behaved, also ask your friend what she thought about him If your family and friends are uncomfortable with his behaviour its a good sign he was being very obnoxious, most people can tell the difference between 'nerves' and tosser.

My first thought when you were describing the behaviour change was drugs/alcohol. I personally wouldn’t want to date a 40 year old that was still into that sort of thing. Especially not in inappropriate situations like around your son.

Lad's holidays and snorting coke at nearly 40?
I'd be really clear with him that you weren't happy with the way he behaved.

Yeah it was the coke. Every person I've seen on coke has behaved like an annoying twat. If he works in social care and uses drugs recreationally, that's not good.

I'm not surprised you were embarrassed and your best friend must have thought he was a right knob. If I were you, I'd be seriously put off.

It does sound like he was pissed/on coke if he was acting out of character. Or in a different 'character'. I mean I'd rather it were that than he just has a completely spilt personality he unleashes at random during a quiet dinner?

But it's still annoying and weird. I do get nerves though. I've been awkward a bit with people close to friend/partner in a way sometimes when we are first introduced.

In a misguided way to seem like I was very comfortable and relaxed when I certainly was the opposite.

Is a cokehead 'lad' fit to be around your child?
He sounds like an embarrassment.

”I know he does coke every so often.”

This is gross and should be enough for you to dump him.

He sounds like a man child who has never grown out of his 20s era.

The drug taking would be a total no for me up front. Behaving like that when it's abnormal would make me assume he was high or drunk. Addicts lie....

He works in social work and does coke?

WTF.

You let a guy who does coke around your kid?

WTF.

He lies and acts like an asshole when he's high.

Fucking dump. That you even have to ask.

My first thought was drugs too - but a social worker using coke is not good. I get it, people need to relax, but a class A drug is not a good look. If he takes it on a Sunday, although the drug itself is gone within about 8 hours, the other compounds are still in his system for 2 days - and could affect his decision making.

i really, really wouldn’t want a man like that around my son.

And as for the ‘joke’ of changing someone’s name by deed poll - the amount of problems
this will have caused the person, as they will have had to make another deed poll to revert to their own name, means it’s simply not funny and definitely not something you would expect a 40-yr old man to do.

I think it’s time to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Dump. pathetic behaviour. Your friend and DC must think he’s a dick.

Takes illegal drugs: probably had and did that evening and lied.

It’s likely he’s put on a front for a while one-to-one and with your DC, and hasn’t yet shown you what he’s like with his friends and other people.

And YABU for continuing to date him when you found out he takes coke

40yo man snorting coke in bathroom at a restaurant when having dinner with a child?

He definitely did coke. I would ditch him either way though because his behaviour was insufferable.

Don't let him move in with you,

Hasn't this given you the irreversible ick?

He sounds like a prick, sorry.

You seem very blasé about recreational coke usage OP! It’s NOT ok to take class A drugs ever! It’s DEFINITELY not ok to take them around your child ffs!

I mean…if you’re honestly this casual about it, and the ‘lads holidays’ (when he will for sure be coked up to his eyeballs doing fuck knows what, as he sounds so fucking mature!) then you need to prepare yourself for a lifetime of this disrespectful behaviour 👌🏻

Most women would dump his sorry arse though.

I echo this. Raise your standards. Why the F anyone takes bumps of coke full stop or even at worst after the late teen experimental being dumb stage has always baffled me.

Throw this one back

Honestly I wouldn’t be horrified if a single childless man told me he did coke sometimes. I’m sure lots of people here have.

HOWEVER if he was doing it while out for dinner with you and your child that is completely inappropriate - and I’d be concerned that meant he couldn’t go a night without.

Coke aside, the whole lads trip stuff is gross. Why are a group of 40 somethings behaving like 17 year olds in Magaluf? Such a turn-off. Changing someone’s name by deed poll for a laugh? What utter, utter twunts.

He’s a twat.

This is the man you want around your son!? He must have been like this previously.

Do better for your child’s sake.

He's 40. He needs to grown the fuck up. I would very quickly move on.