Boyfriend Red Flag?

[littletinybaby]

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

Did you not see the part about the fact he's a coke user?!? Yikes.

Yes. Thus is on the assumption that he was telling her the truth about not having taken any that evening - I’m saying taking tgat out of the equation I’d still be concerned about other behaviours. No-one seems concerned about the deed poll thing - I find that a pretty shocking thing to have done to a friend. It’s beyond a funny prank and has serious implications the friend will then have to undo.

He was holding court and showing off. I’d tell him it was cringeworthy and off putting but cut him
slack, he may learn from this.

Run, run, as fast as your legs can carry you.

People saying "maybe he was nervous/anxious" - do you really want to be with a man who embarrasses you like this every time he's nervous? Do you want to have that worry every time you introduce him to someone? I'm sure you deserve to be with someone who you can be proud to introduce to your friends.

Personally I don't buy the idea that he was just nervous, anxious anyway. I'm socially anxious but I would never act like this when meeting my partners friends. It sounds like he was showing off and I wouldn't be surprised if he was lying to you about the coke. After 10 months you have been around him long enough to know his normal sober behaviour. If your gut is telling you that he had taken drugs that night you are probably right. And do you want to worry about that every time you're meeting new people or introducing him to friends?

I remember a therapist telling me that many women who've been in bad relationships or who've been attacked got the gut feeling that something was wrong before things turned really bad. We are often taught to ignore our gut and give people the benefit of the doubt. But that gut feeling frequently turns out to be correct.

I don't know OP, having seen your update I am even more convinced this is not the right man for you.
Apart from drug use (however much you are downplaying this, the reality is not good), I can't see why you would spend time on this guy if you have to keep pointing out things you don't like.
You are trying to change who he is. It's never going to work long term. Your suggestions are absolutely positive and for his own good (to give up smoking for example). But there will be other non-negotiable negatives once he reveals his true behaviour. You'll keep mitigating for his good side, asking him to change the negative behaviour, he will agree and repeat on an on forever. So he is not truly the guy you want.
And I don't believe for a second he is actually changing as he says he is. He's definitely still smoking I bet. But that's the least of the problems.
Stop wasting time and energy on this immature and deceptive individual.

My male gay friends are usually more spot on with the men I'm dating than me and they end upping right most of the times so maybe it's personal projection. Yes gay men just happen to be attracted to men but because they're men they can spot traits that we women sometimes miss, so yes I know a thing or too when it comes to that.

"If he goes to a festival and has a line with his mates, it's largely immaterial to me "

But he wasn't at a festival, taking coke in a setting where it's unofficially almost condoned. He was at a quiet weeknight dinner with you and your friend who were definitely not using.. yet he couldn't resist making it more exciting for himself.

That doesn't sound like occasional use, that sounds like a prop.

If he took it to sooth his nerves as some have suggested (I'm pretty sure you and your friend are not that frightening to a 40 year old social worker used to dealing with all types of people) then I think that is a red flag, that he feels he needs it for situations he might perceive as difficult.

Your post implies that this is the first time you've seen this side of him. Well its out of the bottle now. If this was the first time he's met your best friend, then perhaps he's different when its just you. This time you saw him in company, meeting new people and that's how he behaved.

He swears he didn't take it, so that leaves you to conclude that he was acting like a knob whilst completely unaffected by any kind of drug. I guess the only thing is to talk to him to try to decide if this was a one off or not. (It's probably not)

From your description it sounds like he definitely took coke when he went to the toilet. He's doubled down on the lie that he didn't.

Him lying about it rather than owning up and apologising makes it seem that he's got a problem rather than the occasional line with mates

Did he eat his meal? If no, then he did coke. If yes then it would be weird.

im nearly 40 and i dont think lads trips are a thing of concern, but imagine they get tamer each year that passes. There’s not much less attractive than aging men acting like children. But 40 is young 🥲

you don’t live with him and you don’t have kids with him. If in doubt, leave.

I would see this as a red flag. If he is going to be so nervous at occasions like this, with your friends and / or family, that he resorts to obnoxiousness and possibly a drug crutch, you're going to have an exhausting and stressful social life with him.
It will turn into one of those relationships where you have to go everywhere on your own, or risk him showing you up.

His colleagues will hate him. Nobody thinks he's doing a great job. He clearly took coke. You can't rely on him to be a normal human being. Dump him.

You see someone through other people’s eyes when you introduce them to friends and the result is not always good.

He's great when it's just you, but not when around others?

Hmm. You are at the start of a relationship.

He's love bombing you. He's emotionally manipulating you.

He showed what he's really like around others he doesn't have an interest in.

Remember abusers want to separate their victims from their friends. Being an arse to your friends will isolate you as they won't want to spend time with you.

This makes you vulnerable.

And if he can treat your friends like that he's capable of treating you appallingly too.

You are in the honeymoon phase now. At some point if you continue the relationship, the mask will slip, but because you've been conditioned to say 'but he's such a nice guy' you'll overlook the bad shit.

You are already doing that by minimising his drug use - which is wholly inappropriate for someone in his job. It's a conflict of interest which raises some pretty hard questions. He will be dealing with kids caught up in drug dealing. They facilitate his drug supply.

I don't know if he lied to you about taking drugs when he met your friend. But it seems a reasonable possibility. If that's true, he's already lying to you and gaslighting you.

There's a whole pile of red flags here, and I'm fairly sure if you continue to post, we'll find a bunch more very quickly.

Beware of being a boiled frog. Others can see what you can't.

Whatever it is, OP, you now know what he is capable of. He has this side to him you did not see before, and its horrible and nasty. As many before have said, he could have been making sure he is good around you, but what you've seen on that dinner is the real him... Or this is how he behaves when he is provoked/ nervous. Whatever it is, I'm sure its part of him and is something you will see more of if you stay together and spend more time around each other.

Why it happened - I think he felt insecure and nervous trying to impress your friend and probably did drugs to give himself some courage. Which, in itself, would be a massive ick for me.

You will learn two things from this.
One, he's a twat, an embarrassing twat, that is capable of making a show of himself and you, because he doesn't know how to behave in company..... cringe.

Two, just where your bar is, how low it is. Because if you are happy to have that idiot around you, you have self esteem issues for sure.

I wouldn't want him around my child at all.

Your friend must be both concerned and cringing for you too.

I suspect you will hang on to him for a bit the the cringe factor will get you and the ICK will set in.

He's a twat.

You know he uses coke.

You know he went to the toilet and came back immediately sniffing and obnoxious.

OP be honest with us, do you honestly hand on heart believe he didn’t do a line / bump in the toilet?

have you spent time with him around his friends?

If you decide to continue dating him (unwise) would do that, and things like the meal with your friend (but without your DC). He will likely show more of the behaviours not obvious to you when you’re in a bubble.

Takes class A drugs = dumpable offence. I can't believe you are entertaining staying with such a twat when you have a son to consider. You know if you did stay with him it's highly possible he will introduce drugs to your son one day? No man is worth that world of pain.

He did take coke. As if he would admit it ?

He's a social worker. He knows how to act around people, he is not some socially awkward guy with anxiety.

He used coke out on your date and became bombastic due to the effects and he lied to you about it.

You are a fool to have someone who you know takes drugs in your home.

I don't know how old your child is, but what if your boyfriend's drugs drop out of his pocket and your kid ingests some? Think about that for a minute and all the possible consequences here including health and custody.

Straight men are men too - so do they know your partners better too?

Yeah, it’s surprising what children can pick up on at an early age too, through bits of conversation, by general osmosis.

I hope you aren’t like me OP, where I had to go through an inordinate amount of pain before I finally saw a bastard for what he was,

sounds like he had coke tbh but most men do lie about it to their OHs so I would take the no I didn’t have any with a pinch of a salt!

also does he find your friend attractive? Sounds like he was showing off or something in my opinion