Boyfriend Red Flag?

[littletinybaby]

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

The fact that your friend is gay is irrelevant.
You're with a 40 year old bloke who works with children in a social work setting.
There might be quite a few red flags...apart from him snorting in the toilet when he was around your child.
What do you think OP? 🤔

It's really depressing that you even had to ask this question tbh. I'd've dumped him for the drug taking and wouldn't have got anywhere near introducing him to my child.

So all three of you are male OP? ....and you're asking for advice on MN?

Must admit I thought coke even before you mentioned the sniffing. I'm sorry Little you obviously like this guy, but I don't think he's worth the hassle

He's a social worker and did coke ?!!!! I mean I can understand we all do a bit of things to unwind , but with him around your kids , this can make his behaviour unpredictable and out of character. No matter how nice he is. Social workers (i was admin for them for years basically) would be concerned how drug use would impact on parenting...which is usually negative (this is the shortened version!). He is doing something illegal, could lose his licence and is not only being irresponsible by doing it, he is committing a crime and he's around your child. Please look after yourself and protect your child whatever u decide.

OP is female I believe.

But it doesn’t matter as MN isn’t just for women anyway.

What did your friend think @littletinybaby ?
Did he say anything about your BF’s behaviour? How has he been since?

40?
He's a total moron.
Keep him away from your child.

OP not responsive,,,,,

He is a 40 year old man behaving like this .
I'd tell him you found is behaviour uncomfortable and see what his reaction is, then make your mind up for the future .
Why would someone need a line of coke when meeting your girlfriends best friend seriously not good behaviour.

At his big age this is way past recreational, he just has a problem that he’s managing to keep somewhat under control (but clearly not enough because it visibly impacts his interactions).

If this wasn’t enough to reconsider the relationship, I would at least keep him at arms length, especially considering you have a son (I assume still a minor?).

I think this is a good point. Not that it changes anything, but he was possibly unsure how to behave with a gay guy- particularly as he’s your friend. (Which makes him sound like a bit of a pillock)

Look, whether it’s right or wrong, you need to be able to communicate how you feel. A good partner can listen and reflect, so he should listen to your concerns and take them on board.

I think the devil is in the delivery. Ask him how he felt it went and if he likes your friend. Lots of positive feedback from you and your friend (what did your friend think by the way?) and then perhaps just subtly talk about how you saw a different side to him and wondered if anything was up. That you were thinking he’d be chill but actually felt like he was eager to impress which at times came across as sarcastic and unkind towards you. Say what you have to say gently and then give him time to process and respond.

If he’s defensive then take that as a warning that that’s his default when challenged. Personally I wouldn’t look to settle with someone defensive (emotionally immature).

If he apologises, or is able to explain that it was nerves etc, then I’d chalk it up to a one off situation to move past.

You are never wrong in talking about how you feel, even if it’s uncomfortable for the other person.

I might come across as judgey here, but I am a bit surprised that you are OK with him doing coke when you have a son. Kids learn from the adults around them and your son might think this kind of behaviour is OK.

A bit disappointing to hear he is a social worker too. The kids he is supporting need good role models around them and it would be awful if any of them spotted him doing it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I feel like this is it tbh. As in, he was obviously on coke and why the fuck have you not dumped him already for snorting coke in a restaurant with a child???

Dump him OP.

The violation of changing someone else’s name. It’s - bizarre.

And he’s a coke-snorting liar. Around your son.

It would be very foolish to stay in a relationship with someone like this.

Casual coke use when I was in my late teens, early twenties, everyone was having fun, no one was serious, settling down, having kids etc... meh, not my preference but meh.

Casual coke use, particularly on a meal out meeting a friend... at 40, when theres responsiblities, kids involved... fuck no, red flag, get the fuck out.

Sounds like he'd already had a line or two before he came out and topped himself up whilst out...

This is why you introduce to friends... to find out if they turn into a total twat in a new context - he has failed that test spectacularly, get rid.

His mask has slipped! I’d be dumping him, wouldn’t be exposing my child to such shit behaviour!

yabu for being with him while knowing he does coke sometimes. Whats wrong with you

@littletinybaby OP, the overwhelming majority of men do not use drugs, and single men massively outnumber single women. Why did you select this man?

@SunnySideDeepDown I think the devil is in the delivery. Ask him how he felt it went and if he likes your friend.

I believe she should be asking her best friend what HE thinks about him and if he likes him, not so much the other way round. Gay men are usually more "spot on" and objective (when it comes to other men) than women wearing pink glasses.

No, not acceptable. He’s a grown man. More on.

I wouldn't let a man like this within a mile of my son.

Jesus Christ, a man who works in social work but sniffs regularly and needs a bump during a quiet meal out involving your son?!

Dump him. I would maybe have stupidly accepted this sort of behaviour in my late teens when I was childfree but a 40 year old man 😩In the bin!