Boyfriend Red Flag?

[littletinybaby]

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

Fuck that shit at 40years old. He would be dumped so quick.

Unless you are taking drugs yourself, I'd say run ! That behaviour is him and he cant hide it on drugs so it comes out in full glory. Been there...

It’s not just a red flag it’s a bunch of red flags sewn into the shape of a person…..

Well he is now showing his true colours.

It won't get better.

It will get worse.

YOU can do better.

The coke alone would be a big nope from me. He sounds obnoxious. Get rid.

Not to defend him but I think this info is quite pertinent, if he has any hint of homophobia, or if when he's 'with the lads' they show any sort of "jokey" homophobic behaviour, he may not have had the first clue how to act around your friend!

Not excusing it obviously but if he doesn't know any gay people, he could have been performative as a way of filling in what he perceived as awkwardness, only you will know if any of that rings true or not.

Either way, any man worth his salt will be able to tell you that after the fact and admit he felt uncomfortable/didn't know what to expect and inadvertently acted like a right tit!

I can't see what difference this makes.

Nearly 40 and going on a lads holiday doing something like that and then occasional coke user?? Many many red flags op.

Hey OP ..
As usual loads of giving out to you , you just looked for advice 🙄..
Listen , at 40 & taking coke still is defo not good ..
He’ll lie & tell you everything you want to hear , you said he’s a nice guy , I’m sure he is , I know people still at that craic aswel , & I also find them nice , but would I like to be in a relationship with them ? no way !
Some people just never grow up …x

He sounds very immature. People who are insecure and feel nervous meeting new people often feel they have to 'make conversation', which means talking about nothing or trivia just for the sake of saying something. That is not impressive. However he could change. Do speak to him about it, tell him how embarrassing he was. If he can't take it, he's not for you but he might be sorry and make more effort in future.

Everyone else was giving advice. Yours is more superior because….?

A druggie in his forties isn’t much of a catch. You’re a mum, you should really raise your standards.

You sound like you’re talking about a relationship in your 20s. The drug taking, the immature behaviour. It’s just not grown behaviour.

Works in social work with kids and does coke!!
Sorry, but those words shouldn't be in the same sentence. Also, you have a son too and happy for him to be around this man.

When any woman posts on here ' am I over reacting' - it makes me feel that they are someone who does not follow their very good instincts. They are someone who has historically been potentially people pleasing and is vulnerable to CFs who might lie and make them question their reality.

This douche absolutely had a sniff. And then lied. That's enough without the rest of it. Yuk.

Some people can hide things relatively well for some time. He has already showed you a few things though that I feel you're ignoring. I understand that people have recreational drug experiences. Something about a 40 something doing coke is a massive no.

You had me at coke.

Nope.

I never said my advice was better ..
I also didn’t mean all the posters ..
I meant , when some people are posting they give out to the OP , there’s no need , people can say what they have to say without giving out , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Coke head should not work with kids.
They dont quit or change and they just use way more then people realise

He's a SOCIAL WORKER and he does coke?!
Good God get rid of him. He'd be fired if his employer knew.

It's a very famous Maya Angelou quote

If you know he does coke, or anything else occasionally, steer clear. I know from experience, that people can be lovely thoughtful and seemingly moral, but if they do drugs at all they are totally unreliable and should not be around children. My son almost ruined his life with drugs, his partner once asked me what I would have done if I were her, and even though I loved him, and knew there was a worthwhile person there somewhere, I had to say, I wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole. He did wake up in his 40s and has been in recovery for about 5 years, he has a good relationship with his kids and his expartner, but his drug use has damaged them all. One evening of his behaviour making you uncomfortable, is nothing compared to that.

After 10 months you know this man well enough to know when something is off and if your gut reaction was he’d been sniffing coke then he very likely was. In which case of course it’s a red flag that someone employed to keep children safe thought it was appropriate to do coke at dinner with your child present. You seem more focused on his laddy behaviour though, which is a worry in itself.

Was this in front of your son?

This would be a massive red flag for me.

Not only was this in front of your son but if he’s so threatened by other men, then how is he going to act as your son gets older.

(not even mentioning the Coke habit).

So what do you think OP, having read your thread?

I have zero tolerance for class A drugs so I would dump his as-s just for that.