Boyfriend Red Flag?

[littletinybaby]

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

OP, what did your friend think?

He works with children in social work and he takes coke ???

Still no show from OP.

Urgh, I'm 39 and DH is 40. A man our age behaving like that with the deed poll, lads holidays and potentially taking coke around a child would not be someone I'd give the time of day to. Absolute ick.

Red flag, yes. Sit down and tell him you believe he had a line as was totally obnoxious and out of order when meeting your friend. Tell him that you need space while you reflect on the future of your relationship.

Sadly, many adults in the UK take Coke - professionals especially. It devastates the lives of many (particularly in countries like Columbia) and leads to all kinds of mental issues.

I’d be really clear he was dumped 🤣

So you write and run? Bit rude to us all trying to be helpful. Your guy sounds pathetic.

He's actually told you he is a hard drug user and you allow him to be around your son???????? WTF? are you crazy

The deed poll thing would have been fraud, had he actually done it. Also a pointless waste of time and money, since his friend could simply ignore it and use his legal documents with his own name on them and/or report it to the police.

I'd be kind of curious, though - what about your friend rattled him enough to act this way?

He sounds like a knob.

I think I went on to say that. The reason why I suggested asking bf about friend is 1) to start a normal conversation and 2) to see if it offered any insight into why he was behaving different to normal.

You shouldn’t stereotype gay people, they’re literally the same as everyone else. They just happen to be attracted to the same sex. You know zero things about OPs friend other than his sexuality; why would you assume he’s a better judge of character? Labels don’t help anyone.

Yikes. You must be really desperate!

This guy is the dregs. Literally.

Oh god Op, run far and fast. Don't expose your son to this sleaze bag.

Had a friend who worked in the night life. He took so much coke he got a brain disease and died.

Also had a complete personality change in that he became a very nasty person to those of us who'd been friends.

Massive red flag. Sounds like coke to me. I’ve only seen a few people on it and it turns nice people into arrogant arseholes. I’m told it feels amazing 🙄. It’s not just the drug use, a deal breaker on its own, but the fact that he did it around your child. Just so massively inappropriate. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Thanks for all your comments. It's hard because in many ways he's so kind and thoughtful, he generally has a really self deprecating sense of humour and takes accountability when I've told him things that have upset me or I didn't like and has been really mature and supportive with some things I've dealt with this year. Yes I know coke isn't great but in all honesty, I don't live with him, I don't plan to any time soon, he spends minimal time with my son because we mostly see each other when he's with his dad. If he goes to a festival and has a line with his mates, it's largely immaterial to me and my son. I cared a lot that he smoked when we first met and he stopped cos I said I couldn't be around the smell and didn't want it in my house, the smell, not that he smoked inside my house. So I do feel conflicted about what to do . The way he behaved I was so devastated about because it was his first time meeting my best friend and I wanted him to show the side that I see that I like, and he didn't. He showed up as total obnoxious bellend. I couldn't be bothered speaking to him tonight so I sent him a voice note before I went to the gym. He swore he'd not done coke in the toilets. But accepted he didn't come across well and was nervous and playing up. I don't know what the truth is, I know how my gut felt though and it was really disappointed and uncomfortable.

I think he just got nervous, I'd wait and see ( this could be a one off) personally I'd give him the benefit of doubt.. on this occasion ..

Maybe he was just nervous then. It’s good you could talk to him about it. I would still be concerned about the lads holiday stuff, and changing his friend’s name by deed poll which is pretty out of hand… Sounds like he’s a great guy when he’s with you but a less great guy when his with his circle of mates. Perhaps he needs some new ones!

You’ve been with him 10 months, his mask is slipping and you’re starting to see the real him. You know what your best mate would say, if you asked him, dump him!

@littletinybaby run !
He was acting the big man In front of your friend. .He was embarrassing you and trying to embarrass you .
Id have ended it but when you mentioned the drugs . I’d have walked and never gave it a second thought. .

What puts me off any man straight away these days is drugs. Any man that age doing drive usually has a problem.
This isn’t a dabble in their 20s this is started and never stopped or thinks it’s what cool too start more recently . Either way your washing your time. .
Dont let them job fool you .

10 months . Met your son and he does drugs too.
Not the best or choices op

It sounds like it was his first time meeting your best friend so while nerves might have been high, this is your new mans equivalent of "best behaviour". Depends how low a bar you want to set for yourself. I would say, set this one free...you deserve better and keeping this one on, blocks the right one finding you.

I did wonder if your friend was a man.... I suspected that was the case... His behaviour is strange.. maybe fueled by drugs.. but inexcusable..

I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates,

A deal breaker for me. Not so much a red flag as an absolute bellend. I'm not interested in 40 year olds who take drugs. Ever.

The way I see it is you’re saying him, you’re getting to know each other. So now you know this about him, that he can be pretty laddish and does dickhead things when with his friends and then tries to brag about it with new people he is trying to impress. How do you feel about it? Do you still like him.

Sounds like you don’t like this about him, I wouldn’t either.

I wondered that too because way he was behaving over dinner seems to be the way he and his mates behave with each other - maybe that’s the setting he defaults to around other men.

The fact he does coke should have been the red flag ages ago!!! No. Not in a million years.

Chances are he'd been doing more of it on his "lads holiday" (urgh) and is still on the bag. His grotty behaviour is indicative of someone who is using - as is the fact you are telling us he wasn't behaving in a "normal" way.

Regardless of his nonsense at your meal the other day, the fact is that you already know he does coke. And that is a NO. You have children for goodness sakes! What if you son found and ingested whatever crap was in his nasty bags of crappola?

The fact you are even asking us is bizarre in and of itself. Did you really think any of us would say "ah yes, a coke user, how lovely, you've bagged yourself a Prince (with a bag!) there!".