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Original poster

Boyfriend Red Flag?

173 replies

littletinybaby · 02/07/2025 10:07

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

OP posts:
Utterlyconfusednow · 02/07/2025 13:17

It would be interesting, if you brought it up to see what his reaction would be. It might tell you something. Regardless of whether it was coke fuelled, you need to know why he was acting that way.

MoreChocPls · 02/07/2025 13:24

Dump

HellonHeels · 02/07/2025 13:37

He's a coke addled twat. Why should your child be exposed to that?

Shetlands · 02/07/2025 13:45

I thought he'd taken coke before you mentioned it.

If you want to give him a chance to redeem himself, you could say that you expect his 40th to be a milestone after which he doesn't use coke as you're not prepared to be with someone who does.

Hollietree · 02/07/2025 13:50

40 year old who takes a line of coke in the toilets, whilst out for a nice casual meal with his gf, her son and best friend.

Nah, 100% dump.

He doesn’t occasionally use coke on a night out (I would also immediately end a relationship for this) but he is a coke addict.

Run for the hills. This will never end well.

okydokethen · 02/07/2025 13:50

sounds grim

HenDoNot · 02/07/2025 13:51

Even putting his coke habit and his atrocious behaviour aside, I’d be really bemused by someone who thought it was hilarious to change someone else’s name by deed pole. What’s funny about that?

I bet your friend thinks he’s a massive fucking bellend, though she may be too polite to say so.

Crochetandtea · 02/07/2025 13:54

He takes drugs ? That’s the only red flag you need to know about ! Throw this one back!
So not lower your expectations for a man.

Missj25 · 02/07/2025 13:54

littletinybaby · 02/07/2025 10:07

I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend (turning 40 this week) met my best friend for the first time last week over dinner. It was a pretty quiet setting, just us and my son. I’d been looking forward to it as I really care about them both and wanted it to go well. We've been together about ten months now.

But he showed up really performative and laddy. He told a long (quite loud) story about how he and his mates changed their friend’s name by deed poll as a joke on a lads’ holiday the other week after he went home with a girl on a night out and I just found it a bit much. I made a light comment like, “Well if you ever did that to me, I’d never speak to you again,” and he snapped back with something like, “Well if you ran off with another man and didn’t come home, I’d never speak to you again.” He said it multiple times, and it felt unnecessarily pointed and mean — especially when that wasn’t even the topic. It made things awkward and weird.

He bought some new trainers on his trip and then made some remarks about his saying, “Does she like them? Who knows, she hasn't even seen them, she doesn't care." It felt kind of sarcastic and a bit unnecessary.

He’s usually thoughtful, kind, and funny, but this felt very ‘laddy’ and almost obnoxious — talking over people, joking about things that felt inappropriate for the setting. We were at a quiet meal, and I just wasn’t expecting it.

When he came back from the toilet sniffing and suddenly got even louder and more hyper, I did wonder if he’d had a bump of coke. I asked him later, and he said no and that he found it hurtful I even asked. I know he has coke every now and then when out with mates, but this wasn’t that kind of setting. It left me feeling like he was trying too hard to be “funny” in front of my friend and it felt out of place.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Usually, he’s great — he works in social work and talks so lovingly about the kids he works with. I really like him and I can see how thoughtful and kind he is and actually funny with good humour not laddy bantz, but this behaviour just threw me off, and I don’t know if I should mention it to him or just chalk it up to nerves.

I know people handle nerves differently, and maybe he was trying to impress. But it left me feeling disappointed and he didn't make a good impression and I felt really ashamed and not proud of him.

Would you say this is a red flag or just nerves and let it go?

He 110% took a line of coke & be under no illusion that he didn’t !
I was a party girl when I was younger so very familiar with what you are describing !
OP , he’s 40 ! & this wasn’t a party setting..
Red flag for sure, I don’t care how nice he is ..

therealtrunchbull · 02/07/2025 13:54

There are no redeeming qualities for this man. I would also be reporting him to social work England.

Planesmistakenforstars · 02/07/2025 13:54

All sorts of dickheads can be thoughtful, kind and funny for 10 months. But now you know he's a dickhead who snorted coke around your kid. What are you even thinking asking if it's a red flag?

MyMilchick · 02/07/2025 13:56

He 100% had coke in the toilet

Sassybooklover · 02/07/2025 14:15

I suspect your boyfriend had coke before the meal, hence his uncharacteristic behaviour, and then snorted some more in the toilet, which made his behaviour worse. At 40, don't you think he's a bit too old, to be going on 'lads' holidays and snorting lines of coke??? That's what young lads do in their 20's, not at 40. The whole idea of someone still wanting this type of lifestyle at 40, would completely put me off. It's immature, and a bit pathetic really. You have every right to feel disappointed, because he behaved like an immature, loud-mouthed twat, that has left you cringing in embarrassment. I would be feeling mortified too. You've tackled the drugs, which he has denied, but I'd bet my bottom dollar he's taking drugs quite often. Now, you're going to be concerned the next time you take him to meet someone etc, he's going to behave in the same way. He may or he may not, there's no way of knowing. I couldn't continue with the relationship if I knew drugs were involved, and I wouldn't have started one, if I'd have known from the beginning. Drugs are bad news.

silkypyjamas · 02/07/2025 14:16

I would be interested to know OP. what did your friend make of him?

SloppyThePoodle · 02/07/2025 14:17

Sorry, I voted you are being unreasonable purely because of the drug use! I couldn't be with someone who did that.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 02/07/2025 14:18

He's a druggie..
Is that your worth op?
Jeez get rid and raise your bar..

Maryminx · 02/07/2025 15:32

He’s a coke head and obnoxious. Drop him

Bbq1 · 02/07/2025 15:36

Why didn't you dump him as soon as you knew he was a coke head? Most women would. You think it's okay he does coke? Being a drug user is horrible behaviour from a 40 year old man especially one immature enough to be doing lines with his "mates". He sounds like the worst possible person to be working with vulnerable yp. His other traits are unpleasant but the drug taking alonr is enough. Set your bar higher.

Dogmum6 · 02/07/2025 15:39

Voted you are being unreasonable for dating a man that takes coke and having him around my child. Sorry that would be a huge red flag for me.

Ineffable23 · 02/07/2025 15:43

It was the social worker doing coke that got me as a red flag before anything of the other possible flags. But that's just not my vibe so I don't think I could get past that.

Bonbonthechewyone · 02/07/2025 15:49

He's a coke head. You should have dumped him the first time you found out he did coke. They're utterly pathetic and insufferable.

Cattery · 02/07/2025 15:51

First time I met a friend’s now husband (yeh she married him) he touched me up and chatted up the barmaid all in the same night. Next day she said I’ve told him to never embarrass me like that ever again. He did. He still is. Complete tosser.

PurplGirl · 02/07/2025 15:53

Is you son under 18? If he is and you’ve knowingly exposed him to a drug user, you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Have sone self-worth and dump him.

SantasLargerHelper · 02/07/2025 15:53

How can you change someone else's name by deed poll? Sounds nonsensical to me.

TheMimsy · 02/07/2025 15:57

@littletinybaby he was definitely on coke. Laddy, chatting shit and sniffing coke during an informal relaxed meal…

did you discuss it a day or two after the meal? Not during his come down etc?

It’s a no thank you from me.