Feeling Down AIBU?

[MuchTerraine]

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

This is such a great thread, OP. The whole of Mumsnet (well almost everyone) is rooting for you. It sounds as though you’ve slipped into the slough of despond but by facing up to your situation and divulging it to this man, you’ve woken up.
You’ve faced a lot of heartache in recent years and your reaction, while extreme, is not unusual. It sounds like you’ve been paralysed by a combination of grief and depression and you’ve numbed yourself by eating.
it’s great that the weight loss has started. Keeping motivated on that front is brilliant. All the cleaning and moving you are doing will help with that too. As you shed weight, you’ll also shed clutter.
The brilliant news is that you are financially secure. It’s great to hear that you are keeping the inheritance secret and are investing it. Despite, the money, I’d set myself a budget. This inheritance may have to last you a long time. Don’t squander it.
Once you have decluttered the flat, (you don’t need 40 plastic bags. Fill them with stuff and take them to the charity shop) contact the landlord. Insist he fix the boiler, or send someone to show you how it works. Do you have a washing machine? if that is broken, ask for it to be fixed.
I think you should see a GP. Are you registered? Explain everything that has been happening and ask for some help and advice. Would you consider weight loss drugs? You may be eligible on the NHS if you live in England. They could be life changing for you. Even if you have to pay for them, they could be worth it. Your local pharmacy may prescribe these and monitor you. Having someone to talk to as you lose weight could be v helpful. Keep up the exercise whatever you do.
Then consider an appointment at Citizens Advice. Explain your living situation and what you are struggling with. See if they can recommend reputable help. You are vulnerable and people may prey on you - so be strong. Only use tried and trusted tradesmen. (Although your landlord should be doing this). Get the flat into the best state you can. If in doubt chuck it. Chuck all the crappy clothes. You are soon going to be too thin for them. Keep your favourites only.
There may be a local FB group which can recommend trustworthy car mechanics etc, therapists, volunteering groups etc. chatGPT is your friend. Ask it for advice, / best mattress for you, help drawing up To do lists, anything you are struggling with. Keep reaching out here. Remember crawl, walk, run. Just do what you can do. Push yourself a little bit further every day. Switch off your devices and get into nature every day. Consider volunteering in your community (again the local FB group could be great or ask at your local hospice/ charity shop) What brings you joy? Do you have a hobby? Would you like to start one? Can you sing, if so join a choir. Do you like to read? If so join a book group. Your local library can recommend one or may even run one. Start one yourself. This is the start of your new life. You have so much potential. Enjoy it. If the guy withdraws and only wants to talk about generic stuff. That’s fine. It is what it is. Enjoy it for what it is. Invest in your relationship with you. Keep a journal. Write down your achievements every night. In a month you’ll be amazed how far you’ve come. A really bright future awaits you.

Just wanted to say well done on all your achievements so far op.
Also wondered whether you’ve checked out the Nextdoor App? It’s an App that connects you to your local community so you can ask for advice, recommendations for local handymen etc. If you post on there for advice regarding your boiler you’re sure to get some replies and offers of assistance. I use it all the time and on my first time posting for some advice on fixing my dishwasher door a local guy offered to take a look and ended up fixing it for free (i did send him away with a jar of homemade jam but he steadfastly refused any offer of money).

Anyway keep up the good work, you’ve motivated me to get some longstanding jobs done too x

What brilliant advice!
There is so much to help you here OP!
You can do this - we’re all rooting for you!

If updating us is motivating you then keep us updated!

Only just found your thread OP.

I'm hooked following along on your progress. What's on your To Do list for Thursday?

You are making some great progress in just a couple of days.

As you rent, is the washing machine yours or the landlord's?

Oh gosh OP, none of this is remotely normal. At all. I really think you need to put on your to-do list "book a therapist". I mean that in a nice way... because even if you get rid of all the rubbish in your house and buy new bedding, the reasons behind all this will still be there, and it will just happen again. Surely there are mental health issues that are undiagnosed here, that a therapist could really help with.

Please be really really careful with your money, and don't tell anyone about it. You do sound really vulnerable, and probably lonely and maybe a little naive, which is exactly the type of person these scumbags come after.

You are making great progress with the cleaning up.
All the best.

@MuchTerraine There would be no shame in sending him a message to say you miss your chats. You could say that you realise that you may have overshared the last time you spoke but you have no expectations of him to be anything other than your online friend. As another poster mentioned, you could tell him that your last chat has given you the motivation to start improving your life. Telling him that your daily interactions were a highlight of your days but you never thought that it would go any further could help too. If he still doesn’t reply, you’re only back to where you are now. You must have a lovely personality for you both to speak so often and to have so much to talk about. Best of luck ❤️

I agree, please try and be kind to someone who is obviously suffering. It's really unpleasant language you've used.

@MuchTerraine You have done amazing so far in getting some of the things sorted. What a brilliant achievement, and please don’t give in and keep making small steps each day to make your home nicer for YOU!!

Please use some of your inheritance to get the boiler sorted and working. You need water to be able to shower and live and it’s one of the basic essential human needs 💕 Actually, did I read that you rent? If so, even better as you can save your money and get your landlord to come and sort it instead!

Have a look on Facebook too as there are people who can come and help you sort your flat. I find having a ‘body double’ when I need to do things helps me to do them and continue them so this may help you too!

I understand you are sad about this man - with having no one around, life is lonely (I am the same but I do have 4 boys as a single Mum) but maybe you were looking for different things x

I also agree with @wandawaves - please be super careful who you tell about your money. There are some awful people out there ❤️

I wash at the local sports centre

I haven’t cleaned clothes since last December

Morning update

Its before 7am and I’m off out jogging !

Read all your updates OP.
At first, I was very concerned you are short of funds. And that’s why everything was in disrepair, then read about your windfall.
I am not suggesting blowing the lot in one go, but is there a reason why you aren’t dipping into it?
Because you could easily sort out a lot of practical stuff. You don’t need to move, but you could get yourself a new little runaround car at least.
The one thing I would invest in is getting some therapy for yourself. You can afford it and it would be the best investment you could ever make for yourself and your future wellbeing. If you go on the BACP website you can find one nearby to you.
You deserve it. Treat yourself to some new bedding, new PJs and a few treats.
The man. I can understand why he’s gone missing but I would see it as a kindness. Many awful men would see you were vulnerable and try and take advantage.
I am not a therapist but often these online connections are like a fantasy - talking to this man was a way of escaping what was going on for you in real life.
Now, in just a few hours, you have entered real life. You are currently going for a run as I type.
Well done on batting off greedy relatives. That showed strength - you need to dig deep because that strength is there.
And you actually showed good judgement not telling this man about the money - there are many threads on here about women who have been taken advantage of for funds.
Time to keep starting again. I call mine little victories.
In future you could do so many things - join a group locally or do some volunteering. You need to meet some people in real life, because you are a lovely person.
Keep going. You have so many advantages and so much ahead of you. You’ve had a terrible loss, but you have a life to live.
Therapy will help you with everything, you really need it and it’s an investment.
The guy was just a distraction. Now you are on a journey, you can connect with others in real life in the future.
Keep your windfall to yourself, and people will like you for who you are.
Go and get yourself some new bedding today - I dare you!!!

Just new update come back from jogging just now it’s lovely morning - love going out early. Currently drinking half litre bottle of water

Thank you it warmed my heart reading your post. 😊❤️

No I won’t consider weight loss drugs personally - I lost a stone last week through calorie control and exercise and drinking 2 litres of water a day!

Just out of interest - and I found your post very heartwarming by the way - but why do you think I’m vulnerable now that I’ve made a start on things? I mean you might well be right - I’m just interested to know the reasons

Just to say thank you - was so nice to see encouraging posts on my thread this morning and waking up to lovely posts!

Are you going to get a washing machine sorted op?
7 months of not washing clothes isn't great, either contact your landlord or buy a new one.

your doing great, OP. Well done with the run. You’ve been in a deep state of grief and depression I think. You’ve let much of your life spiral out of control. You feel ashamed. You’re sad about an online relationship changing. You’ve opened yourself to this person and allowed yourself to be hurt. You don’t know how to do basic tasks such as get the boiler fixed, wash clothes. You’re living in physically challenging circumstances.
You are just at the start of your journey back to normal living. There is often a period of euphoria when you start to make a big personal change. But however dysfunctional your life has been, it is your normal. Habits built up over time are hard to break. There is comfort in the familiar.
its not unusual to hit a bit of a wall or to become disillusioned. The kind of change you are making is hard. It’s easy to become overwhelmed and to regress. At that point you can turn to people offering solutions who may not have your best interests in heart. I hope it doesn’t happen. But I think you need real support in the real world. That’s why I suggested the GP/ Citizens Advice/ local community groups. You’re doing brilliantly but you need to be aware of the journey and have a way of dealing with any relapses - hence the journal idea and measuring how far you’ve come. We’re all a bit vulnerable in some way. Building resilience takes time. Good luck. You can certainly do this. But please deal with the underlying issues that led you to this place.

I agree with this. It seems you suddenly mentioned a lot of stuff unexpectedly.

Hopefully this will lead to a more open chat but from his point of view that’s a lot to process in one go.

it’s natural to miss the chats. Maybe send a message after a couple of days but keep it light and not in anyway that can be seen as needing support or being needy?

Sounds like a wonderful online friendship. I’ve not had one but a close friend of mine has a long distance friend like this. I hope your friendship continues and you keep going resolving those issues, it can be done.

I have similar struggles - no working fridge or dishwasher, toilet doesn’t work properly and there’s water damage in the ceiling and all the clutter but I’ve managed to get a working car and do some de littering. It creeps up on you. Oh and I have the stress: late night overeating too and have to work more on that. Have managed to lose 2kg since March so there’s some progress.

Update: went running this morning but my feet just as trainers didn’t seem to be giving enough cushioning.

Just come back from town now with a brand new pair of trainers and ‘wellness’ journal from a stationer’s to document my progress

The cushioning on these particular trainers is so good it’s unreal - I didn’t feel like going into town this morning with so much to do and sort out but so glad I did!!!

However - my chap has been online and still no personal message but he has sent me a superficial thing so he’s still in touch - but nothing like it used to be 🥲

No, Nothing is like it used to be, and that’s mostly a good thing, right? You’re running, losing weight, drinking water, getting on top of your house etc! Would you really go back to when he was messaging you in the way you liked, but everything else was out of control?

No you’re absolutely right

if I’m being honest he was being a tad inappropriate with sexual banter - I’d sent him a photo of me - fully appropriately clothed - nothing dodgy! - when I was 8 stone and a size 8 back in 2010 and admittedly I look attractive there so I think he liked the way I physically looked in 2010 - but I was getting bored of the sexual innuendos when I know we weren’t going to ever meet in real life

You sent him old photos?

No im not on Next Door app - thanks I’ll check it out. Glad I’ve motivated you too!

That one was my profile pic so he saw it anyway