Feeling Down AIBU?

[MuchTerraine]

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

Yes this is what I fear. I’ve looked on my phone today hoping to hear from him

What do you have to do to sort the hot water? Start there. Then you can start to tackle some of the smaller things, like washing dishes. Then washing bedding, then..whatever the next thing is.

Take it a step at a time. Weight loss is a marathon… so you can continue the efforts there, but I would suggest you have some more immediate concerns.

Edit: I reread where the bedding needs replaced vs. washing. Ok exchange that step with replacing lightbulbs.

Ah Ive done the dishes now with water from kettle

Fair enough but wouldn’t it be easier with hot water? What I’m getting at is small steps to make things easier to do and keep up and to help build some momentum.

Yes I get you - I get exactly what you’re saying

Can you look at the exact model of your boiler, and then have a look on YouTube how to work it?

Yes thank you - good idea

Great, start there OP. Hopefully there will be an easy explainer for you. These things can feel forbidding but once you find out how to work it, it’s pretty easy 😊

Thank you 😊

(If there isn’t anything useful, find a customer helpline for the company who makes the boiler and give them a call tomorrow).

Widower here, lost my wife 2 and a bit years ago. Got my shit together, not a stereotypical man on his own, been dipping my toe into the online dating scene. What you describe, to be honest, would put me off. In fact had a couple of dates with a lady who told me her house had got very run down, rats in the attic, lights not working, and had moved her stuff so she was effectively living in one room. Gave me the major ick. We want what we want. Not for me.

If you haven’t got anything constructive to say maybe say nothing at all? Did you read the part about OP saying her partner died suddenly and she has no friends? Did you pause to think that when one becomes overwhelmed with life to the point they are living without heating, hot water, broken transport and in unhygienic conditions and severely overweight that they may be dealing with challenging mental health conditions which often is the cause of the rest of their life unravelling. OP isn’t actively choosing to be a ‘slob’.

@MuchTerraine sending you big hugs. Unfortunately people can get spooked by such revelations. Especially if you’ve never met, people tend to fantasise about the kind of person the other may be and obviously there’s a huge disconnect between that and real life now that you’ve disclosed the warts n all of your life. Please don’t take it personally since he never really properly knew you. Take heart from the fact you’re obviously great company for him to be engaged for as long as he was. And well done on your weight loss. I’m going through something as a singleton a little similar and have no friends or family to support me so know how difficult it is to climb out of such a predicament. You’re making a great start though with the weight loss and I’m sure things will slowly but surely keep improving for you ♥️

Why can’t you sort the boiler out ? That would be my priority, get the jobs done , sort your house out, throw yourself into fitness for six months and you can be tbe best version of you, you don’t need anyone else , you can do it, just need to start daily and make the changes , no one can do it for you, wish you the best of luck x

Partner died 15 years ago - you can get your shit together in 15 years . The OP obviously needs it spelt out to them and being namby pamby about won’t do them any favours

You’re doing great OP!
It was probably a short lived thing anyway as most people would want to meet at some point so why invest time otherwise. And then you saying all that just ended it earlier. I would be really put off by everything you said. Wait until you’re in a better place to start chatting to someone

Sorry you lost your wife ❤️

Thank you for being honest with me

Thank you - your post is really helpful and lovely ❤️ the kind and positive things you’ve said about me have brought tears to my eyes - but in a good way!

I honestly don’t mind people saying I’m disgusting - maybe it’s a kick up the backside I need and tbh I feel in someways the fact he’s backed off has been a blessing in disguise in someways - it really has - it’s made me more focused

im sorry you’re similarly struggling - and I hope things improve soon for you too ❤️

@MuchTerraine you sound so lovely! And ready to get moving... you'll get there. A step by step approach is a good idea and my advice with men is always to keep some things private! They love an air of mystery and intrigued lols.

Try not to take him backing off to heart, though easier said than done. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate.x

Hi @MuchTerraine, your post has made me really sad because I see a lot of myself in your predicament. My wife died suddenly five years ago, during covid lockdown but not of covid. It has been very very hard to move forward. And, yes, I also put on a lot of weight in the first couple of years. For example: about a year, maybe less, after her death the cold water tap in my bathroom seized - it took me until Easter this year to ring a plumber and get it fixed. Grief can bring weird lethargy that is hard to break through.

Well done you for starting to sort things out. Losing weight will take time and demand perseverance so good to get that started first.

My advice would be to aim to fix one thing a week. Set your intentions on Monday morning - for me this would be - lose 2lbs, walk 5,000 steps and day, ring the plumber. The following Sunday, I would look at the list and review, but no judgement, if I hadn't rung the plumber I would just wonder why then add it to the list for the next week and try again.

You should start with the thing that's most important to you. It might be sorting the boiler, it might be buying a new set of bedding because that's a bit easier to acheive in the early days of a new diet. Whatever works for you.

For now, forget the guy. But maybe one day, you might want to get back in touch and tell him that talking to him helped because it made you think about all the things in your life that were hard and the ways in which you could start to fix them.

Good luck.

OP may I ask what you think your main reason is for your house being dirty and disrepaired? Is it a physical or mental illness or something else? If you let us know people may have some relevant suggestions for how to improve your situation. Because it sounds like you’re really struggling.

Concentrate on you now OP ..
I know you miss the chats , give it time & maybe send him a message to say hi when you’re feeling better about yourself/ life 🤷🏻‍♀️ …
And maybe ye could go back to being friends again..
OP , would you be interested in picking up some work , part time , you would be getting out of house & meeting people & that’s so good for someone’s mental health alone ….

Thank you ❤️❤️

Thats the thing - I felt I shared much too much with this guy and have now potentially made myself vulnerable

Thank you so much - sorry to hear about the loss of your wife

Ok last year I went through a major life change. I sold my great aunt’s house 300 miles from me and I am the only beneficiary of her will. So I inherited £850,000 when it sold.

Over the last year I’ve been wondering if I should relocate and buy a house in a different city got a fresh start. I even made an offer on a property last September but I’m grateful now that I didn’t get it. Then I changed my mind so it’s the lack of direction in my life - after inheriting so much money and investing it wisely - it’s a life changing amount of money and I’m really unsure what to do next so it’s adding insecurity and lack of direction