Feeling Down AIBU?

[MuchTerraine]

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

I think he will have backed away because you sound vulnerable and he is probably worried you will need support, which he doesn't want to give. In fairness, I get that if he's after a light friendship. If I were you I'd put relationships on hold until you've got things more under control. You've made a great start and can go from strength to strength, then work on relationships from a stronger place.

Thank you so much - your reply has given me hope and made me feel so much better and less ashamed

I'm sorry, I can't get passed you lost a stone in a week 😳

if I’m being perfectly honest it was 13lb but j rounded it up!!

Also - when I weighed last Tuesday - first day of diet - I’d had fluids but when I weighed this morning - no fluids. Therefore overall I think the fat loss realistically is less than 13lb iyswim

Either way that is impressive weight loss for a week.

Well done to you for that. I hope it has made you feel a bit better about yourself.

It does sound like you sharing these details with him may have made him think differently of you. Maybe like you are the kind of person who is not capable of taking care of themself or who is lazy.

@BigFattyBoomBoom

Thank you for your supportive comments about my weight loss. ❤️

Thats the thing - I think he does think differently of me now and I feel ashamed.

@BigFattyBoomBoom

my weight loss has indeed made me feel better about myself.

I know that people do get a sudden WHOOSH!! of weight loss the first week - I.e. much greater weight loss the first week then it levels out

Do you work op? Could he be worried you might ask him for financial help??
It's maybe just made him pause and realise he actually doesn't really know you that well.

No I don’t work

@Lookuptotheskies

your bit about the ‘pausing’ bit could be absolutely right I fear.

i mentioned that the dishes needed doing for some weeks and some admin I’d left and needed to get in with. He was surprised about the dishes but still gave support and was warm and close to me. As soon as I mentioned everything else in my OP though to him - he became colder but gave pragmatic advice and today his support’s completely vanished.

@Lookuptotheskies

he even said ‘yuk’ about one thing - my ancient mattress !

The way you are living suggests mental health concerns OP and I imagine he doesn’t want to get involved. You sound like you are determined to get your life and wellbeing back on track - best of luck!

OP, I agree with @5128gap – what you told him suggests someone very vulnerable, who may be getting things back together, but who’s been in a really bad place for some time. It’s too much for a casual acquaintance you met online with whom you’ve had banter. You need support, but someone you’ve just met on a dating app or whatever isn’t the one to provide it. Do you have friends? A therapist?

I agree you need more real life support and interaction rather than relying on an online friend.

Are you getting any help currently op? It sounds like maybe you could do with some? You deserve help and support you know, and it's okay to hope for some, but I don't think you can expect it from this man when you barely know each other.

Thanks so much - your encouraging words mean a lot!

No no friends or therapist

No im not currently getting support.

Just to clarify. I don’t want practical support of any kind from this man and absolutely don’t expect it

You don’t work , no washing machine and a dirty house - yeah no wonder he backed off .

That sounds disgusting. There’s lots of threads on here about slovenly men and how women need to raise their standards and not entertain these slobs - it goes both ways for either sex

He doesn’t know I don’t work

I sensed he backed off and am gutted

If someone told me all of that before we had met, I wouldn't want to take it any further. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and that you have struggled in recent years wouldn't put me off. It's the fact by telling me all of that so soon that would make me feel like you would need a lot of emotional support and become a little needy

Thank you for your supportive words and realistic take

OP, forget about this man. You sound vulnerable and he got cold feet. You're doing well to get yourself together and I should concentrate on that before looking for a relationship.

I think you have scared him off OP - that was a lot of information to give someone who is basically a stranger. I imagine he felt it was too much for him to deal with, when he doesn’t know you

Thank you for your supportive words but I was never looking for a real life relationship with this man!

But I enjoy our online communication