Feeling Down AIBU?

[MuchTerraine]

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

Thanks for the good advice what’s ETA stand for ?

It means 'edited to add'.

But did you really need someone to suggest you pay a cleaner and someone to look at your boiler?

Or was the good advice about paying for therapy?

If I were a man, I will be honest, I would have run a mile to!
Come on OP you admit you're obese, your flat is dirty, you have no heating or hot water, you don't work and yet, you're sat on £850,000!

You could buy a new place and start from scratch!

For Goodness Sake OP you have literally been handed a fresh start and you have done what with it!

I’ve actually invested loads of it in high interest bonds ..or put it this way..high interest for today’s times

I also did thorough due diligence on all the banks I chose

I've been there, OP. When there just seems so MUCH wrong that you are paralysed and just don't know where to start. Can I advise just trying to do a tiny bit every day? You're working on your weight with fabulous results, perhaps just aim to clear one little corner, or fill the sink and wash a few plates? Look on it as part of your new exercise routine!

And there are plenty of forums online where you can chat to and get friendly with people, rather than chatting to random men.

Thanks for explaining

To be honest - I’m grateful for whatever anyone’s hitting say on this thread and I’ll choose the actions I think are most helpful

Honestly op, I know there’s people saying they’d run a mile but you yourself don’t sound like the type of person who’s run a mile, you sound lovely and he’s just not for you, the right person (for you) would have been in touch this morning saying’so did you look at anything I’d advised? How do you feel now?’

Well done on the decluttering, just to share too much with you, myself and dh have been floundering the last year and the other night my son made an off the cuff remark about how there’s a few things to be fixed around the house. So I’ve made a list things like a hole in the fence, broken guttering, electric shower broken, a window not fixed, we’ve no skirting boards on two rooms, we need a new mattress, everyone needs new socks, ds needs new runnes, two rooms need to be scrubbed out, the dog needs to get a talking to as all training has gone out the window (😉). The garden is horrendous l. This morning was at the dump and am ringing someone to come over for the window and electric shower. Keep it up op x

I’d also suggest as someone did above a pt/ charity work job/ new hobby or the like. You’re doing fab x

This is so true

When you’re not in a good state psychologically- even pleasureable non demanding admin tasks seem quite daunting and you leave them !

Hi op,

Ignore him, talk to us instead. There's a thread here full of people rooting for you.

Thank you so much and good luck with all you’re facing as well x

Thank you so much - this means a lot 😊

Thanks - before I posted I didn’t consider therapy

OP if you want to continue to chat to him in a vague chatty non emotional way that's fine but you'd be going forward knowing that's all he can provide. He clearly doesn't want to provide personal/emotional support. You sound quite invested in the contact from him and I'd suggest you chat online with people in general via forums like Mumsnet instead and sack him off tbh.

Your inheritance, I can understand you sharing that here in an anonymous forum but don't mention it to anyone you are getting to know, online or in real life will you. You sound like a very lovely and open person, but sadly this can attract people who aren't so lovely.

You have the funds to get some help. I'd really really recommend therapy. I paid for some from an organisation near me that trains therapists and they charge a sliding scale for fees which was amazing for me with no income or savings.

Keep posting on here too and we can cheer you on.

Don't be afraid to spend some of the money on things that will help you! A weekly cleaner, new mattress and bedding, get the boiler looked at etc. All these little things will help improve your home life but they will also signify you putting yourself first and making choices to help you.

You could still invest loads and buy a new flat and make a fresh start.

Thank you so much 😊- everything you say is correct and in your second paragraph - you’re the first person on this thread so far who’s mentioned this potential down/ugly side to receiving an inheritance

Yes very true I rent at present

OP. this might be a difficult question to answer, but are you willing to spend the money on improving your life? Because I'm a bit worried that you might be holding the money 'safely' as a protective instinct. But honestly you will feel so much better if you splash out and get things in the house put right, that the boost to your mental health will be worth any financial outlay you need to make.

OP

You are brilliant. I'm thrilled for you getting the clear up done. Just keep going. When you have most of the stuff out of the house book a deep clean. Definitely get the boiler sorted in the meantime.

You are noting his absence because you have a void. Fill it elsewhere! Even take a trip down to the local library to see if there is anything coming up that might be of interest to you.

Your aunt gifted you a fresh start; take it.

Keep posting here. I am behind you and so are many others. Good luck!!!

How long have you had the new boiler OP?

As you're renting, the landlord should sort that out or send someone round to do it.

The question you’ve asked is a valid and reasonable one and one I’ve thought about myself.

in the investments I’ve made since inheriting - I’m due to earn around the £35000 mark in interest for the whole calendar year of 2025. I made sure I locked a lot of the money in bonds.

As you say I shouldn’t be reluctant to spend the money on improving my life.

A lot of the bonds are due to mature in November

Then follow his lead. Keep things light and chatty. Clearly he enjoyed your conversations too, even though he backed off when things moved into less comfortable waters, so your ability to build a friendship and have a person enjoy chatting with you is another positive to add to your growing list!

Since around November 2023

Ok, have you never mentioned it to your Landlord in 1 year and 8 months?

This is a very personal question so please feel free to ignore it, but when was the last time you had a bath or a shower?

Tuesday- 2 days ago

No I’ve not mentioned it to my landlord