Feeling Down AIBU?

[MuchTerraine]

I was messaging a guy online - good connection and daily chat but no chance of real life relationship. I’m fine with that and completely understand. We have good chats about our day to day life online and banter. I love it. I’ve never met him in real life.

Anyway, yesterday I think I gave away a bit too much info on my current living standards. I’ve put a lot of weight on but am now on a diet and in last few months and years I’ve let household standard slip - lights in several rooms don’t work and my house is very cluttered. I live alone after my partner died suddenly in 2010. There is currently no hot water or heating as I haven’t worked out how to work my new boiler. My bedding is ancient and needs replacing and my washing machine and car don’t work. I’ve put on loads of weight through overeating but in the past week lost a stone so I’m starting to get a grip on that.

He seemed surprised when I mentioned all this to him and became more business like and cold - but he gave me good advice.

Today’s the first day in ages he hasn’t messaged me. I miss his messages.and feel a sense of shame because I feel he’s likely backed away from me because of what I said about my living conditions.

Just to give context - in the past week I’ve really got a got a grip on both my weight and fitness and taken huge strides to make improvements in my living conditions -cleared loads etc. I’ve lost a stone in the past week and am doing cardio exercises and weights daily.

AIBU to miss his messages and feel sad he’s backed away?

This is so true thank you

I’m really grateful to everyone who’s taken the time to contribute to this thread.

I’m annoyed with myself if I’m being honest for being naive and just telling him too much and potentially making myself even more vulnerable.

Because he was supportive when I said I hadn’t done dishes for a few weeks and I was now getting down to them and the fact that I’d let my admin tasks go but I’m getting down to them I thought he’d be supportive over this …

I was hoping that he’d at least message in the evening after finishing work etc but it’s 22.30pm and nothing …

OK I have an update for you all …

I’ve spent 2 solid hours getting rid of the recycling from my flat between 7.30 and 10pm tonight
ive worked 2 and a half solid hours without break

I live in a first floor flat and am clinically obese BMI 35 + and have traipsed up and down stairs for 2 solid hours and cleared WELL OVER HALF the recycling 🙌 - my floors are now clear whereas before there was clutter everywhere!

my feet are KILLING me !!

Amazing ♥️ small steps and in a week you’ll be in awe of what you’ve done.

Thank you and so true ❤️

Thank you everyone

He’s online now and used to send me a lovely message every morning.

This morning? Nothing 🥲

Well done on your weight loss. It sounds like you are turning things around for yourself. It’s not unreasonable to fell sad but I really think that once you get everything in order and take care of yourself, you will have more confidence. Good luck

Im sorry OP but if a man I'd only just met online came out with that lot I'd be off and never speak to him again. I'm a potential date not a social worker or carer.
Id be careful how much information you share with people to be fair.

He's backed away. Too much sharing of multiple problems all at once. Maybe he thinks you expect him to come and do a bit of diy on your house. Or bail you out financially.

Write a list of what needs to be done in your house. Then work through it, even if it takes a year. Get in touch with whoever installed your new boiler and ask for help. Or Google it on line for instructions.

Therapy, if you can stretch to it, or be referred for free, might be a key component of getting your life back together, along with with decluttering and figuring out the boiler. Best wishes, OP. You’ve made a good start. And put this man out of your mind. He’s not able to be the support you need now.

OP, it sounds like you've had a really tough time and you've done incredibly well to start pulling things back.

I think often what we want/need/expect from people depends on our perceived relationship with them. So for example, your OP made me feel empathy and warmth for you. However, I had been dating a guy last year and when we went back to his for the first time, the state of his house and what that said to me about his standards was enough for me to end the budding relationship. Similar scenario, but very different wants and expectations. Does that make sense?

You shared too much with him. You've been really honest and revealed stuff that most people would hide until much later in the relationship. You've revealed the sort of things that most people would reveal to a therapist or counsellor whose role is to help and support their clients.

As a potential romantic partner he is probably thinking about how much help and support you would need from him and it might seem a bit too much.

Thank you and so true ❤️

Personally OP I'd invest some of your inheritance in therapy asap. You have the means to shop around and find someone who will really be able to help you.

I don’t blame you .. you’re absolutely spot on …

I feel I’ve been very naive in sharing too much into and potentially making myself more vulnerable

I second investing your inheritance in therapy and also someone to come and help you clean your house and organise your stuff. There are professionals who deal with this type of situation and won’t make you feel bad.

I also join productivity sessions online. It’s basically a zoom call with everyone cleaning/ working/ doing life admin or errands and you motivate each other. It’s via an app called Dubii and it’s about £6 per month which I feel is affordable. Sounds daft but when you see other people cracking on it motivates you!

I think you’re (unfortunately) spot on with the first 2 sentences of your post

However I just wanted to clarify that I don’t want him to do DIY jobs or financial help - he doesn’t even know where I live ! We were never going to meet up in real life literally just an online thing

Thanks for your helpful advice in your last paragraph

This
Step by step
Please can you get someone to support you with working out how boiler works.
That will make things easier
You clearly need support

Thank to all you lovely people who’ve taken time to contribute to my thread.

Just a quick update. This time yesterday there were empty bottles of Diet Coke literally EVERYWHERE in my flat waiting tube taken out with the recycling. I’ve literally cleared THEM ALL

Thinking that this time yesterday I couldn’t go from my bed to the kitchen without stepping over million different things - it was like an assault course. It’s now completely clear. I think I’ve done pretty well

Fan bloody tastic

Finish clearing the clutter and then spend some of the £850,000 on getting your flat cleaned and the boiler sorted.

ETA: And therapy.

Thank you 😊 your kind comments mean so much ❤️

Thank you - yes - you’re right

Update - he’s been in touch once or twice but the subjects are much more superficial and general and less personal if that makes sense

For example if the World Cup were on,talking about the World Cup and not personal stuff if this makes sense