To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

I'm so sorry @Chromeal. I can't imagine the pain, trauma and grief.

I think you could write your daughter a letter about how it will make you feel.

Unfortunately, I don't think it will make a blind bit of difference. She 18, selfish, self absorbed and spoilt.

Personally, I thinnk she needs to go and find her own way in the world. It's her baby and she'll do what she wants. That's all good a well when she housing, feeding, clothing parenting that child but, she's not doing those things. @Chromeal don't get left holding the baby. You've already done your child rearing. I think being a mother herself and living apart from you might give her a new found respect for you.

I would say, in a letter ‘ I understand how much you love your baby, so can you imagine what I went through, as a mother, losing my baby. Respectfully, I ask that you do not use Elliot’s name for my grandson as that would be very painful for me.

Please give this baby a new name, by all means use Elliot as a middle name to honour him but if you use it as a first name, you will be dishonouring and upsetting me. Thank you.’

you poor thing this is so hard. If it’s any good to you, I think when she has the baby she will not use the name. She is just being a teenager and hopefully will grow up very fast when she has her own baby.

While I have no doubt that she can be very unkind and self absorbed, I don't actually think that her wishing to name her baby after her deceased brother is an example of that. She wanted to honour him and may have even thought that you'd be pleased by it. I'm not saying at all that you ought to be pleased, but I think that by reacting so strongly you will have upset her and made her feel that she can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not sure what to suggest other than maybe drop the subject: ultimately, though, if she chooses that name it is her prerogative and there isn't much you can do about it. If you are gracious with her on it, it might pave the way to a more positive relationship between you.

This is the most measured response of this thead.
💐

I think this is perfect. I would be devastated if someone used my late dd’s name so completely understand how you feel. I’m sorry she is being so selfish.

None of this though is acknowledging or accepting her grief and loss and guilt and surviving. All of the emotions that have led her to make the decision she did.

and none of this can move forward until both sides accept the others motivations and grief

Can you ask her how she'd feel if she died and your youngest DC had a baby and named him after her? This is how you teach empathy in young children, maybe if she can put herself in your shoes she will be able to understand a bit. Maybe you need to start again from first principles with her. Also if she is so dismissive of your feelings and can't even be bothered to speak to you politely then I would be having a conversation with her about respect, and wpuld not be helping with the baby whatsoever until she behaved respectfully. That doesn't mean she has to change the baby's name but she at least has to engage with your feelings and talk hers through with you.

Excellent post, and I agree.

I'm going against the grain here. My son died at 6 months. His name was Hew David. He has an older brother and a younger sister. I'd be honoured if they wanted to use his name.
We are a big family and we all have shared names. My late brother was David.

Agree - please seek counseling, OP.

A baby boy of any name in your home is bound to be a triggering experience for you.

I’m so sorry, how very painful for you.
Maybe it doesn’t matter if you have a row, and maybe it’s worth one last ditch attempt to say what you really feel. Perhaps without trying to edit yourself too much… let your real feelings show, and if she gets upset or angry it’s not the end of the world. She’s young, she’s self centred so she’s not even thinking of trying to be sensitive.

Can you say something along the lines of - I know you feel that naming your baby is honouring your brother and I do appreciate that. But actually from my point of view naming him after my dead little boy who I loved very much and had to watch die is so incredibly insensitive, when I’ve tried to tell you how painful that will be for me. If you don’t care about my feelings of course there’s nothing I can do about that.
Might give her pause for thought.

I totally understand the wanting to indulge a child you've nearly lost as I have been similar. I came incredible close to losing my daughter at least twice and I'm just so glad I still have her that I don't say anything when she's making choices I'd rather she didn't. I just ask if she's happy and is being careful and safe. She doesn't take advantage thought.

I don't see your daughter having survivors guilt. I'm sorry but she doesn't seem to have the emotional intelligence to feel that.

i would try writing her a note. Say how proud you are of her, how grateful you are that she survived, and while you know you'll love her son, your grandson, you are really struggling with her calling her baby Elliot and are asking that she please reconsider. This is a joyful time but it is going to be covered in pain for you and that worries you.

It sounds as if you're expecting to do a lot of caring for the baby - I don't think this is necessarily in your daughter's best interests, and definately isn't in yours, unless there's a formalised kinship fostering arrangement.

She needs to start to stand on her own two feet - she's going to be a single parent, and needs to think about finishing school, going to college, getting a job and looking after her own baby.

She needs to make full use of all the supports available for young mothers, there is help to get her into education/training.

If she just depends on you to fund her and the baby, she's going to end up unskilled and living with you till she decides she doesn't need the free childcare anymore.

Very sorry you're in this situation. She is being so unkind about using your sons name, I think the letter is the way to go.

And as PPs have said, pkease stop feeling that you made her like this, so you have to pick up all the pieces. By 18 she's had so many influences, she's deciding who she wants to be, hopefully she'll decide to be a good mum.

I'm so sorry for your loss and appreciate how hard this must be you.

I have been exploring my family tree and it is interesting that historically a younger child would often take the name of their deceased sibling. It was considered to be a way of honouring them. Maybe if you have no choice in the name your DD is going to use, you could perhaps accept that many people have done the same to honour a much loved deceased child and that it is not being done to hurt you. The fact that others have found it helpful, may be worth reflecting on, as it is not worth ruining your relationship with your DD and GS over.

My heart breaks for you, it does. Your lovely daughter who you cherished and brought up is being absolutely vile with this name choice. I bet she doesnt even do it, its just designed to stick th eknofe in and see you upset. Shes bloody 18 and pregnant! Shes going to need you more than ever! So no, YANBU 🌺

Also, we all went through pregnancy thinking of weird and wonderful names for our offspring! At 18 I would have called my baby Antoinette - awful!

Can you say something along the lines of - I know you feel that naming your baby is honouring your brother and I do appreciate that. But actually from my point of view naming him after my dead little boy who I loved very much and had to watch die is so incredibly insensitive, when I’ve tried to tell you how painful that will be for me. If you don’t care about my feelings of course there’s nothing I can do about that.

This is good, although I might swap this last line out for something like, “I beg you to reconsider” as there is less judgement in that.

OP I’m really sorry for your loss.

I think she might have been trying to doing something nice, and due to her lack of maturity hadn’t thought it through. I think if you tell her what you’ve told MN she’ll realise it’s not the best idea, and maybe using it as a middle name would be a good tributes

Someone asked if I feel bullied by her and I had to sit with that a bit. I don’t know if bullied is the right word but I definitely feel steamrolled. Like her mind’s made up, she’s not open to discussion, and if I even try to explain how I feel I’m met with eye rolls or told I’m being dramatic or selfish. It makes me feel small in my own home sometimes, and I hate even saying that.

I am going to try and talk to her again. I don’t want this to just be another thing we never speak about properly. I know it’s not her fault she survived and he didn’t, and I don’t blame her for existing or for having a baby or wanting to honour her brother. But it’s still hard. She didn’t live through those years the way I did. She didn’t sit in those wards or watch him fade away. She doesn’t carry it the same and I don’t expect her to but I wish she’d try and understand my side too.

I think her dad would actually agree with me if he knew. He was the one holding Elliot when he passed, and it broke something in him. He never went to therapy or talked about it, just bottled it up. Our split was mostly amicable, nothing dramatic, but after that loss I don’t think either of us were really the same. DD just gradually stopped speaking to him over time. No big row or anything, just faded out. She says the name isn’t any of his business which I suppose is technically true but it still feels unfair.

I wish we could all talk about this together but everything feels fractured. I’m just tired and sad and I really hope I don’t end up resenting the baby, because that would be the worst thing of all.

Is there anyone she would listen to, OP? A relative or a friend? Sometimes a disapproval from them, even mild, can be enough to make someone change their mind? That way too, she wouldn’t be ‘giving into you, she’d be taking the advice of a dear relative or friend, which might sit better with her.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, and the trauma you must have gone through when your daughter was ill.

I think you've had a lot of really sensible, considered advice here - especially around trying to put support systems in place for yourself at what's bound to be a difficult time.

We lost my sister when I was pregnant with my youngest child. We wanted to give our daughter my sister's name as a middle name. It was something I wanted to do, but we spoke to my parents and other siblings about it first to check they were happy with the idea. It is different with a middle name, of course, but my daughter's middle name now feels quite separate from my sister's first name. I think people occupy their names and make them their own. I don't mean to trivialise your feelings or compare the situations, but if she does go ahead with naming her son, Elliott, I hope it is less difficult for you than you are anticipating.

100% agree, there is trauma here for both OP and DD. x

So sorry for your loss xx

I think the way you have worded it in this post and how it makes you feel is a perfect way to explain to her what an impact it wold have on you.

can you write her a letter maybe?

My niece is named after our dead sister. We as a family love that our deceased sister's name and memory is brought back by our niece. Another sister is also named after our dead sister using the Irish version of the name. That was our parents decision. To me it's a lovely way to honour the dead (we're not religious) . It doesn't take anything away from the raw sadness of our sister's death.

I think your daughter is doing a loving thing. It is a sad fact of your families tale, even if your daughter doesn't remember. She will feel the loss as part of your family history.

That is how you feel.
OP doesnt though and her daughter should listen and respect it.
It is pretty much THE most traumatic thing a parent can go through. DD never even knew her brother

I am not saying OP can dictate but the way her DD is handling this is so selfish

No, you’re not being unreasonable. That name holds a whole world of pain and memory for you, and it’s completely valid to feel blindsided and hurt. It might feel like honouring to her, but it’s not her grief to carry the way it is yours. You’re allowed to have boundaries around something so personal — especially when it’s clear she hasn’t really considered your feelings. Doesn’t mean you’ll stop loving your grandchild, but you don’t have to be okay with the name. Honestly, it’s okay to tell her you need time to process it. This is heavy.