To not want DD to name her baby after DS?

[Chromeal]

Bit of a long one, sorry in advance. Just need a reality check really because I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or if I’ve just finally hit my limit.

Quick backstory: DS was diagnosed with cancer at 18 months, went into remission, then relapsed when he was 4. He passed away 5 months later. DD was 9 months old when he died. Then when she was 2, she also got diagnosed. It was like living a nightmare on loop. She pulled through, thank god, but I’ll admit I went soft on her (and her younger brother) after that. Just felt like if they were breathing and smiling I couldn’t ask for more. So yeah, not proud of it, but I let her get away with murder growing up.

Fast forward to now. She’s 18, pregnant, and we’ve never really had the best relationship. She can be incredibly stubborn, snappy, and honestly quite self-absorbed. She’ll say really cutting things when she doesn’t get her way, and she never really sees anything from anyone else’s point of view. If I try and bring something up she doesn’t like, she shuts down or storms off. Always been very “me me me” and I think some of that is probably my fault for how I raised her after everything. But still, it’s exhausting.

So now she’s announced she’s naming the baby Elliot. That was DS’s name.

I just froze when she said it. I couldn’t even react properly. That name is him. It’s grief and hospitals and holding him while he slipped away. It’s not a happy, fresh start name to me. I know she was just a baby when he died, but she never really knew him. It feels like she’s taken something deeply personal and is repurposing it without really understanding what it means to me.

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down. It’s like she’s already made the decision and anything I feel about it is an inconvenience. Which is kind of how she’s always been lately tbh.

So yeah. AIBU to feel really not OK with her using his name? I don’t want to start a huge fight, but I feel like she’s just stomped over something really sacred and painful and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t even know if I can call the baby that without feeling like I’m back in the worst time of my life.

Honest thoughts welcome, just please don’t be cruel. I know I’ve made mistakes as a parent but I’ve done my best.

I’m so sorry about your loss and about your situation.

but what I also see is that she expects to live with you, presumably you financially supporting her and you looking after the baby and she is still treating you poorly and possibly even bullying or abusing you when she will essentially be dependent on your support.

has she even asked your opinion in keeping the baby, or your opinion on living with you and you supporting her? Or just presented you with the fact?

My second baby was stillborn, and I went on to have two more children. When my eldest had her first baby, she asked to use our son's name as a middle name so it was her way of remembering him. We'd chosen his name originally as it was both of our grandfathers' name. I loved that she did that, but more importantly, she asked me first in private if it was OK or would I find it upsetting.
It would have been too hard had she asked to use it as a first name.

Have you been through the trauma of losing a child? I don’t think its in any way comparable to a baby losing their older sibling.

I know it’s not her fault she survived and he didn’t, and I don’t blame her for existing or for having a baby or wanting to honour her brother. But it’s still hard. She didn’t live through those years the way I did. She didn’t sit in those wards or watch him fade away.

Of course she didn't. She was a child. Are you sure she knows you don't blame her for for being here when he isn't?

This is obviously difficult. But possibly it's better if your daughter moves out and starts her own life. There seems a lot to unpack here.

Your post is raw and heartfelt and totally understandable.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling Elliott, the pain of losing a child will never heal.

i think you should write DD a letter, with the points you’ve made in your post.

💐

Sending you love. I hope she can be persuaded to take your feelings into account. xx

I feel for you.i am so sorry about your Son.i would feel the same way.gently though.He was her brother and she probably feels very sad even though she was a baby when he died.She may feel this is how she wants to remember him.obviously try to talk to her again .but if she won't listen you.dont want to fall out with her. 0

OP, I wouldn't attempt a conversation but I would try writing a letter / email. That way she can't be offensive to your face and you will have said your piece.
I do understand why she wants to name him after he4 brother and indeed this baby might be a big part of the healing process for her. You might have to accept that what us good fir your daughter us not good for you in this instance.

Lots of good advice here OP. I just came to say that your story has been a vey hard one. You are a warrior and wishing you lots of strength in your journey as a grandmother. I'm sure it won't be easy but hopefully it will often be rewarding ✨️

No she didn’t live through it @Chromeal she lived through the aftermath of it with parents who were broken and by all accounts a father who withdrew.

the fact she actually loves the idea of her beother enough to honour him actually is quite beautiful in a way that through it all she cares about the idea of him is something to be proud of

I wonder it is worth showing your daughter what you have written here. You have written it so beautifully and so eloquently. It made me cry. I wouldn’t link her to the thread but maybe put it on a piece of paper and say it’s what you said when you asked a friend? I think maybe she will understand more if she reads your words.

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You have been through hell and it’s amazing you are still standing

Sorry For Your Loss 😢

Just commenting to say I know an Elliot whose mum used to call him Ellie as a nickname when he was little. Maybe it could help you differentiate between your son and grandson to use a nickname or pet name?
I am sorry for your loss. I don't think it's wrong for your daughter to want to name her child after her brother and it's also not wrong for you to find it upsetting.x

Still not sure what to do.
I'm so sorry OP, it is an agonising situation, and you can't stop your DD choosing that name if she wants to.
It is terribly painful for you, but I wonder if DD is trying to let you know how painful it was for her losing her brother at such a young age. She wouldn't have had words for her experience, but she would have been aware of the huge change in you and her dad and the other adults that she relied on. It's hard for a parent to be fully available to their children when they are polaxed by grief, and your DD would likely have been scared and lonely. One route to go down is to talk to DD about how you remember her responding during that terrible time and what you tried to do to help her, rather than pressing her to understand your experience now.

I’m so sorry to hear about all of this (aside from grandchild on the way 💕) I’m in a different position because I was the sister of a baby who died, like your daughter. Had I had a son I wanted to use my baby brothers name as a middle name, I didn’t have a son so no problem. My sister did and used our brothers middle name as a middle name for her child which I thought was also good. Had my parents indicated any resistance we wouldn’t have used his names, I’m sure. But we were both 30 when we became pregnant, which I think makes a difference.

I just wondered whether it might be worth writing a physical letter or card to her? You explain it so beautifully here and if you described the strong associations and memories maybe she would think again? I think Elliot is a great name, in my mind Eli is also lovely and kind of similar…just a thought, anyway just might be worth a try. So sorry for your loss. Sending ♥️

@NewblackdressYou make a good point , re. her experience.

I’m so sorry for your loss and this situation op. All you can do is try and explain how you feel. Hopefully your daughter will be understanding and either use the name as a middle name or not at all. I can’t imagine her refusing when she truly understands the implications for you if she goes ahead regardless.

I cried reading this thread. @Chromeal I'm so sorry about what happened to your DS

When I tried (gently) to say it felt a bit hard for me, she just rolled her eyes and said “Well it’s my baby and I want to honour my brother, sorry if that offends you.” No real conversation, just shut down

Could you stop trying to be so gentle and try to ignore the childish eye rolling… Show her your real emotions, it’s not about ‘offending’ me, it’s about hurting me! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THAT?

If not, why not?

So sorry to hear about your loss OP. Can you try to explain to her like you have to us here? Shes being an unempathetic teen, so I don’t think asking gently for her not to use it will work.
I realise it’s not the same but I lost my daughter who was still born. Her name was usual and I still feel triggered when I hear it, so you are DNBU to feel like you do.
If she goes ahead anyway, can you try some sort of nickname?
I hope you find a way through this.

Oh OP, how hugely traumatic for you. I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

Playing Devil's advocate, I can imagine she'd hope you'd find the name tribute touching and may now be feeling a bit let down / embarrassed by your reaction.

I can imagine it being the kind of thing a teenager thinks is a really good idea- not realising the nuances and true implications.

Even if your relationship is strained right now, would it be worth having a proper sit down conversation and just being really open and vulnerable, explain why it would be so hard for you? I'd think if you gave all of the reasons you've given us, she'd have to reconsider.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Before my child was born I remember thinking I could never love anyone as much as my brother. My brother had a very serious illness and we almost lost him.

Not long after my child was born I realised that there was no love in the world like what there is for your own child. I remember thinking back to when my brother was in hospital and how upset I was but holding my own baby I wondered how my parents even got up every day and carried on when they must have been so consumed with worry. I never thought that my parents could feel any worse than I did until I had my own child and realised there is no love like that for your own.

I share that story because your DD may be in the same place I was before my baby was born. To her, that was her brother and she probably thinks he was no less important to her than he was to you. But maybe once she holds her own baby, she will realise that your feelings on this are important and are valid. Maybe if she imagines going through what you did with her own baby she will have real empathy and be very sorry for her flippant attitude to you sharing your feelings on the name.

I totally understand why you’re upset. That name means a lot and is tied to some really painful memories for you. At the same time, your daughter wants to honor her brother, even if it’s hard for you to accept. Maybe try to have a calm talk with her and explain how you feel, but also listen to her side. It’s not easy, but understanding each other could help both of you.
You’ve been through so much, and it’s okay to feel hurt

I think she wants her brother’s name to live on and she wants her child to know he’s named after his uncle - sort of carrying the thought of him into the future. That is actually incredible when you think about it.

I suspect what she’s not getting is that while 17 years is aeons ago to her, it probably feels incredibly recent to you. This is something that is impossible for young people to understand.

OP I wonder if you’ve either not told her how hard this would be for you, or you’ve tried to say she “can’t” use the name? I agree with PP - try having an honest adult to adult chat about how you really appreciate her wanting to use her brother’s name but you will find it incredibly upsetting and difficult having another baby of that name in the house. Don’t tell her she can’t use it because she can and your son was her brother and her loss too. Extremely different circumstances but he was someone she lost too.

I have a very similar scenario. Grandma couldn’t bring herself to say the baby’s name for a very long time, she called him grandma’s little soldier as his name could just not leave her mouth. Fast forward a little while and it’s all fine. Once the baby grew and had his own personality, he became his own ‘Elliot’.