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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dumped for kissing someone else….do I contact?

227 replies

Lolololalaura · 01/07/2025 15:17

So I am a horrible person and have made a massive mistake.

Ive been with my boyfriend 3 years. We’ve never lived together but live close by to each other. I kissed someone else and yesterday I admitted it to him by text (I’m away and that’s where it happened)

He replied “It’s over. You have no integrity. Don’t contact me again”

i haven’t been able to explain myself am I being unreasonable to want to message him today or do I literally just not contact him as requested. When people in break ups say don’t contact do they actually mean it!?

OP posts:
JackieWilsonsaiditstimeforbedlittleone · 01/07/2025 19:38

I admire his boundaries. If more women had such firm boundaries we wouldn’t have such wild posts on mn.

PinkyFlamingo · 01/07/2025 19:38

Viviennemary · 01/07/2025 16:01

It was a bit mad to tell him by text. But what a fuss over a kiss.

A kiss is still cheating. Someone wants to kiss someone else better to be single really .

ZoeCM · 01/07/2025 19:38

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 01/07/2025 15:41

He's making a massive deal of a kiss. It was a mistake, you've owned up to it and now he's acting like a baby.

The OP texted her partner of three years to tell him she'd kissed someone else! How is he the one acting like a baby?

whitewineandsun · 01/07/2025 19:39

JackieWilsonsaiditstimeforbedlittleone · 01/07/2025 19:38

I admire his boundaries. If more women had such firm boundaries we wouldn’t have such wild posts on mn.

Exactly this.

NC28 · 01/07/2025 19:41

Iloveyoubut · 01/07/2025 19:00

Can we stop with this narrative? Please? It’s just simply not true on Mumsnet. woman are not given an easy time or excused on here more than men, if anything they get a harder time! This myth that women get a pass on here is just a lie!

Show quote history

Don’t agree at all. If a man came on here looking for suggestions on next steps to talk to his wife/partner whom he had cheated on, are you seriously telling me that you’d expect replies such as “God she’s being such a baby over a kiss”? Would never happen.

MyDeftDuck · 01/07/2025 19:48

He obviously has morals and self respect……..hence he wants nothing to do with you now. What part of going on holiday made you think it was ok to snog some random person and then brag about it to your BF????

PoppyRoseBucky · 01/07/2025 19:48

Iceandfire92 · 01/07/2025 16:25

All of those holier than thou people. It was a stupid kiss, she's owned up to it, hopefully never to be repeated again. Honestly, with everything going on in the world, who on earth would get their knickers into a twist over a silly kiss (possibly drunken)? No bodily fluids were exchanged nor did any affair occur.

Edited

It's not holier than thou to have morals and treat our partners with enough basic decency and respect to not cheat on them.

So because of other stuff going on in the world-he's not allowed to have and enforce his boundaries in a relationship? If your partner cheated on you, are they going to be allowed to say, "Yeah, but you know, it's a bit stupid, getting your knickers in a twist over this when there's real suffering going on in the world?"

What a completely, and utterly nonsensical way to look at it. He's allowed to have boundaries and break up with OP even if she's owned up to the "mistake." Once she committed the mistake and told him about it, she lost the right to dictate what happened in the relationship.

Would it be nice if he would give her a chance to explain? Sure, but it sounds like he's decided that no explanation is going to be sufficient to make him get over it and that's his choice. This nonsense that oh, it's just a kiss, pfft, why should he be bothered about a kiss is just that...nonsense.

Because it's just a kiss...according to her. Cheaters are notorious for minimising what they've actually done so it could easily have been more. And even if it was just a kiss-he doesn't have to accept that and move on if he doesn't want to. Not everyone has such piss poor boundaries as some on this thread...

Mysterian · 01/07/2025 19:53

You crossed his red line. We'd all be saying the same it it were the other way round.

NoelFaraday · 01/07/2025 19:57

Leave him alone.

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 01/07/2025 20:00

I’d message again. He can always block you if he wants but I think he deserves to be chased after a bit even if the answer is still no after he’s had time to calm down and decide with a cool head.

657904I · 01/07/2025 20:03

I mean I wouldn’t contact him today, respect his space. He’s obviously fuming and needs time to digest this. If you keep contacting him today when he’s broken up with you and said not to contact him, you’re only going to get told to F off. He doesn’t want to hear it

Yesimnuts · 01/07/2025 20:09

He has my style straight to the point no faffing no drama no stupid excuse.
Leave him alone.

Uricon2 · 01/07/2025 20:12

OP "Hi, I kissed someone else while I was on holiday" (sent by text from said holiday)

What did you expect him to react with?

ExD1938 · 01/07/2025 20:14

You must have been feeling guilty, why bother telling his otherwise? (that's what he's thinking).

lovenotwar149 · 01/07/2025 20:18

By text? hmmm, not good. I dont think you are a horrible person , you made a mistake, the same mistake MANY have made. Not condoning it but its not uncommon at all. Of course he may be wondering if it really was 'just a kiss.' Hope you get to talk about it together in person even if it is over. Best of luck x

VirtueSignaller · 01/07/2025 20:21

What happens away, stays away! I bet there are a lot of people who live very normal lives who have some dark corners shall we say. Don't be too honest and don't get yourself into any dark corners in future. Once the trust has gone, it's gone. Mark this up to experience and respect his wishes.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/07/2025 20:22

I’m sorry, @Lolololalaura but you would be unreasonable to contact him.

You've hurt and betrayed him - he doesn’t want to listen to your explanations, and the least you can do is to respect that, I’m afraid.

ZoeCM · 01/07/2025 20:49

Iloveyoubut · 01/07/2025 19:00

Can we stop with this narrative? Please? It’s just simply not true on Mumsnet. woman are not given an easy time or excused on here more than men, if anything they get a harder time! This myth that women get a pass on here is just a lie!

Show quote history

Do you really think that if a woman posted on here that she'd checked her text messages and found one from her partner confessing to kissing someone else, she'd be told to stop "being a baby" for being angry?

TonTonMacoute · 01/07/2025 21:19

Your relationship was already over!

That's why you were tempted and kissed person B. You have now handed person A a cast iron excuse to end things, and blame you.

Draw a line, move on.

BunnyLake · 01/07/2025 22:41

I didn't realise, till reading this thread, that so many women are ok with their long term partners kissing other women. (Assuming these posters are women). You learn something new every day.

whitewineandsun · 01/07/2025 22:55

ZoeCM · 01/07/2025 20:49

Do you really think that if a woman posted on here that she'd checked her text messages and found one from her partner confessing to kissing someone else, she'd be told to stop "being a baby" for being angry?

Show quote history

It would never happen. Posters would likely say he wasn't confessing everything and was minimising what happened, and that he needed to be dumped.

greengreyblue · 02/07/2025 07:37

TonTonMacoute · 01/07/2025 21:19

Your relationship was already over!

That's why you were tempted and kissed person B. You have now handed person A a cast iron excuse to end things, and blame you.

Draw a line, move on.

Not so

greengreyblue · 02/07/2025 07:41

As I said upthread it depends entirely on your stage of relationship. I did this whilst once, aged 19 but would never do it now and have been married 29 years. Depending on the circumstances I would text him to say you would like to explain and apologise on your return but obviously it’s entirely his decision . Then leave him be until you get back.

PollyBell · 02/07/2025 08:16

What is there to explain to them you cheated how on earth do you explain that?

isolate34 · 02/07/2025 09:09

A text wasn't ideal tbh op. But I don't really get the huge pile on, you've kissed someone and admitted it straight away, I would be incredibly hurt if this was my partner but the fact it was a kiss and not more and it had been admitted to right away I think I'd need time to cool off but could work through it. If I found out and wasn't told then that would be a deal breaker. Just leave him alone for now and hope he might contact you. It's shit but a hard lesson to learn and all you can do is wait