Dumped for kissing someone else….do I contact?

[Lolololalaura]

So I am a horrible person and have made a massive mistake.

Ive been with my boyfriend 3 years. We’ve never lived together but live close by to each other. I kissed someone else and yesterday I admitted it to him by text (I’m away and that’s where it happened)

He replied “It’s over. You have no integrity. Don’t contact me again”

i haven’t been able to explain myself am I being unreasonable to want to message him today or do I literally just not contact him as requested. When people in break ups say don’t contact do they actually mean it!?

Agree. I can only imagine the responses if this was a man posting.

Good on him for having strong boundaries and sticking to them. Kissing someone else is a non negotiable for many people.

You need to accept this is on you and just hope maybe he contacts you at some point but don’t hold your hopes up.

What you did is really shitty. Both the kiss and telling him by text. I am sure he wants his space right now and he may never want to talk to you again. However if it was me I would want to know that the person who hurt me at least felt remorse.

I would suggest no contact until you return home. Then send him a message telling him he is right and you don’t expect forgiveness but you want a chance to tell him face to face how sorry you are if he would allow you. If he doesn’t respond then leave it be and take it as a life lesson.

You’ve really goofed here!
One - why kiss someone else???
Two - why on earth did you tell him???
In future think before you act!!

You fucked up. You need to accept that and move on.

It was your choice to do it and it's his choice to end the relationship and cut you off.

Fair pay to him for knowing his worth.

Definitely.

I also don’t know one single person who, after 3 years with a partner, hasn’t discussed this sort of thing, either formally or in general conversation. The OP will have been well aware of her partner’s feelings towards monogamy, so this sounds like one of those life lessons.

...am I being unreasonable to want to message him today

You may well find yourself blocked anyway, OP.

Again, well within his rights.

What is there to explain?? You kissed someone else. It is not something you do by accident 😂

This is truly terrible advice which you should not take unless you want to find yourself explaining why you've engaged in harassment.

"Boundaries" is just a word that means you get to choose how other people treat you. Do you really find that concept objectionable?

Well, I’d like to hear your explanation…

Can we stop with this narrative? Please? It’s just simply not true on Mumsnet. woman are not given an easy time or excused on here more than men, if anything they get a harder time! This myth that women get a pass on here is just a lie!

"Don’t contact me again”

That was a conversation to have in person wasn’t it? Too late now though.

I was you. I was 19 and drunk. Loved my bf so much but had a moment of ‘what’s it like to be single?’ and kissed the nearest bloke. 😳. Had to confess as the guilt was terrible. Luckily bf believed me. We’re now in our 29th year of very happy marriage.

I'm surprised im even writing this to be honest good on you for being honest many men and women wouldn't haven't said anything for fear it could end the relationship I assume u are abroad or something. I dont know what good an explanation would do but if u really do care about this person you can only try and fight tooth and nail. It may not work he may never trust u to take u back and u have to know u would never do it again. I love my partner if he kissed someone else ik morally I would be expected to break up with him but deep down I would want to try. People have forgiven worse its worth a shot but it will be hard work if he ever does give u a chance

I don't know why you're getting such a battering. It sounds like a stupid mistake, you didn't sleep with him, you felt really bad about it and it won't happen again.

Though I don't know why you told him by text to be honest - was someone else going to tell him if you didn't?

It’s hard because he may be set and not want you to contact him and he’s completely done. But he also may be hurt and if you simply leave it at that - especially after 3 years - then he may think you don’t care at all.

I would maybe message him and say you love him, you’re sorry and you don’t want this to be the end and you will do what it takes to make it work. Tell him you will give him space and if he is done then you will respect that and you know it’s what you deserve - but if you regret it and you want to get past it make sure he knows that. If he doesn’t want anything to do with you then you have to just accept that but please don’t let him think that you were telling him to end the relationship

You can text him to apologise but you cannot text him with an explanation as there is no excuse as to why you kissed someone else.

I don’t think that you’re being bullied.

If a man posted asking if no contact means no contact then the women on here would rightly give him a piece of their mind for not respecting boundaries. The fact that they felt like they wanted a chance to explain themselves would also contribute to people’s anger because no is a boundary.

You can’t say that a kiss isn’t a big deal. Nobody knows the details like if it’s a stranger or someone that the bf was suspicious of or whether the bf has firm boundaries because of his past experiences.

Honestly, if someone says "don’t contact me again," they usually mean it—at least in that moment. He's hurt and trying to protect himself. Reaching out now might just make things worse. Give it space. If he changes his mind down the line, he’ll get in touch. But right now, respect the boundary.

Sounds like he wasn't that in to you and it's easy to see why.

Best to reflect on this and move on. Do better in the future. Poor lad.

You can try and talk to him once he's willing but you can't force it.

I mean, if you felt like kissing someone else surely it must mean you're not that committed to him. Or your missing something in the relationship? I only ever would've done that when I didn't really deep down want to be with my partner.

He's got every right to say a line's been crossed. Would you have accepted him doing something similar?

It's true that we all make mistakes and it could be you can patch it up but you'll need to show him you can be trusted.

Oops I cheated. Soz.

If he wanted explanations he would ask you questions. He might not want to hear about your thought process/details of when you kissed someone else so I would not give him any information he might not want in his head.

The only thing I would say is sorry (if you haven't already.) He has asked you not to talk to him but in the long run it might be better for him if you give him an apology and mean it, so that's the only thing I'd reach out one more time to say. No excuses or explanations as then it isn't a proper apology. ("I'm sorry but I was feeling like this...." doesn't count.)

Acting like a baby?

I think we found the cheat in the thread!

He is absolutely entitled to set the boundary and stick to it. Just because she owned up to it doesn't mean he has to forgive her. Don't want the consequences of your "mistake?" Don't make the "mistake" in the first place.