MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

My mum does this. For my newborn baby a plastic carrier bag of baby clothes from the thrift shop, like bobbly onesies and a v well worn cream cardigan. My aunt at the same time had sent a lovely outfit from JoJo Maman B and my mum was upset I gushed a bit over the cute outfit. It’s not a money thing at all with my mum. The next time she bought me a bag of clothes she’d rescued from a …skip!

Would someone please answer this question?
Thank you…
I live in California - always have. Never been to the UK, although I’d very much like to.
I see charity shops talked about all the time - but the charity shops here are crap. Like there may be an abundance of jeans but they’re all low-rise
and the tops are so old you can see through them. I’m more interested in glass anyway and that’s very scarce.
I mean, we just don’t frequent the charity shops here. They have nothing to offer.

Are the charity shops in the UK better? Higher quality? More variety? I wish they had that here.
(edited because I accidentally pressed the post button too soon)

I have a friend that obsessively buys from charity shops . Her house is packed with clothes she never wears but loves a ' bargain ' .
She'll buy coats that might cost £15 instead of full price but she already has so many so they never get worn , same for many other things .
I'm not saying your mil is the same , but with my friend , it's almost an hoarding mental illness thing .

My Mother in Law was just like this.
She was a proper hoarder, and needed that dopamine hit of purchasing a bargain.
She lived in charity shops and often visited the car booty sales on a Sunday morning.
She would come home with bags of items and toss them under the stairs unopened. 🙈 She lived for the bargain, but was generous at the same time. Then something changed. She went from bargain queen, to an addict and she would hoard and hoard after her eldest son passed away in 2017. She bought items to fill the hole of loss I think. 😔

She dialled it down slightly once we had our DS, and then a little later would buy all kinds of toys from charity shops for him instead 😆
When she kept buying my little one toys, I had one rule... any toys and bits she bought our toddler STAYED IN HER HOUSE, AS I HAD NO ROOM. He played with them in her house. The bargains got fewer after that, as she didn't have much room for the tat either 😆

But on birthdays and would shower us with gifts from B&M. I asked her to dial it down and spend time.with us instead. So she came with me to baby massage class on a Tuesday and would mind our DS every Sunday until she suddenly passed away 2 years later. Our DS loved the toys she got him, especially a little Paddington bear musical toy riding a bike, but he used it that much, that it was worn-out.

After she passed, both me and my DH had to empty her house and the extent of her hoarding was evident. It was sad, as she clearly tried to fill her life with 'stuff' and I think her sons death flipped a switch in her for that to happen. She always loved her bargains, but it became a hoarding addiction /coping mechanism.

My God, she did get some cracking stuff though 😇
*edited to say, I hope you can sort it with your MIL and come to a compromise like we did xx

There’s nothing wrong with buying things from charity shops, you seem to want her to buy new just for the sake of it.
Young children wear or play with things for such a short amount of time.

I have never, even known a charity shop sell knickers; clothes that stink of smoke; or clothes with ‘marks all over it’.

Donations of clothes and textiles that are considered suitable for resale (after sorting) are washed, and often steam cleaned.

Except it’s not actually true as a general rule.

Charity shops are great... especially for kids. Better for the planet, better for price, kids don't care when they are young etc.

Just give her a bit of a push against things that smell/are dirty.

Living outside the U.K. I miss them a lot. They are just a great functional part of society. Reusing old things, an avenue to avoid throwing away things you don't need any more, allowing people a cost-effective way to buy things, and a portion of the money goes to charity rather than big companies? Great.

Are you speaking from experience or just guessing / assuming ?

I volunteered in a charity shop and the clothes were definitely not
washed , yes to being steamed , but there is not a washing machine in every charity shop .

For those that have volunteered in one , were your donations washed ?
I bet 99.9% will say no .

Will also add , steaming does not clean an item ( i.e remove marks etc , it just kills any bugs / gets the creases out.

“Its difficult as this type of person imposes their so-called generosity onto you but it's really all about them and their needs.”

This. 100%.

Shes not doing it for your dd. She’s doing it for herself. And you’re having to end up with the consequences. YANBU. I would be really annoyed by this. All the people saying ‘just wash them’ or ‘just re-donate them’ are missing the point that every ‘just…’ creates work for op. Hassle she didn’t ask for or wants.

I wouldn't mind the odd bit or bob from a charity shop, but this sounds obsessive. And second hand birthday gifts are definitely inappropriate.

charity shops dont sell broken goods

second hand birthday gifts are not inappropriate - you are being grabby

Honestly you sound precious and massively exaggerating.

For one why are you bothered about her saying beand new clothes with tags are from the store they originally did come from?! They all come from the same sweat shops. They are also brand new with tags.

Two i highly highly doubt that three separate charity shops sell bad quality dirty stinking clothes.

It's not better for the environment when she's giving the OP stuff that they don't need or isn't in good condition. Why can't she leave it in the shop for someone else to buy it who does need it?

Plus she's making work for the OP. 'Just sell it on Vinted', 're-donate it'. Why should she have to do this?

Giving people things they don't want or need isn't a nice thing to do, it's annoying.

If she buys new stuff for her other grandkids but never for your daughter, that is mean.

Also, giving you stuff that is ripped, broken or half empty toiletries is just minging and insulting.

What does your DH think about his mum's behaviour. Would he be cross if you told her that you don't want this stuff any more?

If OP doesn't have time too re-donate to a charity shop (her claim), then she won't have time to photograph and list items, carefully documenting all the rips/stains/ imperfections she claims everything has. If the items are as bad as she's making out then they shouldn't really go on Vinted.

OP, as it's your MIL, get your DH to have a word with her and ask her to stop. Put her items into a bag and drop them at the local clothes bank. Most supermarkets have one nowadays so could be dropped when you do your next shop. Toys could go for free on FB Marketplace. Alternatively, if you have a community page on FB, advertise them on there for collection. My area has a couple of "Freebies" sites where people give things away.

And your problem is….😉

I volunteer in a charity shop and we most certainly do not sell any underwear unless it is in a sealed unopened packet, neither do we sell stained stinky clothes.

Depends on the area but some Charity Shops have designer clothes and furniture - but they are sold at a premium.

You have Goodwill, right? We don't have that so I guess that's why are charity shops are better as we don't have a "market leader" for want of a better word and people usually just donate to their closest charity shop.

I think this is maybe less about the charity shop but more about her constant giving you things that you don’t want…
If they were all new, would you want them?? I doubt it

It seems odd that she lies about charity shops

Perhaps you could just start by trying to coax her into being a bit more open about it?

If you can do that then you may be able to move on about having conversations about what she buys from them.

If you can't then it is lost case

Many people like charity shops from a social perspective, the staff are usually friendly and it seems it has become a routine for her, that could be as important to her as the purchases.

Perhaps she is being environmentally friendly

My DC grew up buying in charity shops. They had a choice from three. £5 to spend in the posh toy shop or use it in our many charity shops. They both still buy secondhand and they're in their twenties!
If you've got loads of stuff you don't want The Sally Army pick up for free. I always have a bag on the go. We just put what we don't want in there. I suspect your MIL likes the chat in her local shops if she's visting daily. Perhaps she's lonely?
I was a head of retail and we certainly never sold anything stained or smelly. That goes to rag. I don't buy anything new except knickers. Most shops dont sell intimate garments.

Some people just like buying second hand stuff, they think they are getting a bargain, loads of threads on here about people buying loads of clothes on Vinted, it's no different. They probably don't wear them all but it's a bargain.

You don’t have time to have a bag next to the door and pop it down the charity shop when it’s full? Surely one of the simplest things to do?