MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

Irrelevant. I'd think the same if it was her own DM, DSis or lifelong best friend.

There's 2 types of people in this world. Those who like buying stuff and people who are desperately trying to get rid of a seemingly relentless mountain of stuff that they constantly feel stressed by. Why should the people who like buying stuff and imposing it on others be the ones to have it their way?

Our local shops very rarely take items, you have to keep ringing round the lot of them daily to work out which of them are taking and then parking is difficult etc. I tend to use the textile bins in recycling areas, although that means another drive out. Ive had bags of donations in my car for weeks at a time waiting for any one of them to say they're taking donations again

If she's buying her other grandchildren new items, but secondhand smelly stuff for you and your DD, it sounds passive aggressive. Especially as she sells on the better items she picks up, rather than give them to you.

I can almost imagine her gleefully picking up crap and imagining handing that to you, instead of an insult.

Not much you can do, but re-donate and wait for the inheritance.

“Kind of you but we haven’t got anymore storage space. Can you restrict to birthday and Xmas?”. Add a smile.

Repeat, rinse, repeat - every time she tries.

I've got a relative who does this. The thrill of buying something is the bit they enjoy. Then they pass on the shit to me. It's really annoying, I end up redonating or binning, it just gives me a chore.

Good! Though your partner should be the one dealing with it by the way.

I think I buy about 95% of my clothes from charity shops as I couldn’t afford those brands new, never seen underwear in any of them.

I don’t know anyone in real life who buys all their clothes from charity shops. Just about everyone on here claims to! Weird.

I can't imagine having the time or inclination to trawl round to find whatever you need, in your size.

If I need, say, some black work trousers in a size 16 long, it's bad enough finding them new in a shop, let alone amongst random charity shop donations. I'd expect that people who really do 'buy all their clothes in a charity shop' regard it as a hobby that they're happy to donate a lot of time to.

I do buy some things on Vinted, but only after I've tried the item on in a shop but they don't have the size/colour I want. I'd never buy anything on spec as the chances of it fitting and suiting me are low, so more than likely it's going to be money wasted, given that it's going to cost to send it back, if that's even an option.

She’s having extraordinarily bad luck with charity shops if she’s purchasing things that are dirty, that smell of smoke, and used underwear.

How odd.

She’s having extraordinarily bad luck with charity shops if she’s purchasing things that are dirty, that smell of smoke, and used underwear.

How odd.

I'm sure this will have been said already so apologies for not reading every post but life is short and the thread is long.

You are talking about your husband / partner's mother, yes? In that case, and assuming he's still present in your life, then I think it's his job to have a word with his mum, and to keep on doing so until she gets the message. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one to complain about.

I love charity shops and second hand. But generally I buy for myself, very rarely will I buy second hand for somebody else (unless they share my affinity!). Or if I see something I'll ask and not be offended if they decline.

Why is it always the MUM who has to fight these battles?
This is your mother in LAW- so where is your husband in this?
They are his kids too!

I think you need to woman-up @AlwaysHopefull89 and be honest.

If your husband won't discuss this with his mum, then you have to.
Tell her, kindly, that your child doesn't need any more clothes at the moment, thank you.

You might also say when it comes to her birthday, you are going to give everyone a 'wish list' so they don't buy things she already has.

I would assign your DH the job of donating anything which is unneeded back to the charity shops. Hopefully that will prompt him to speak to his Mum about the amount of stuff she's buying.

I thought that too. In particular, underwear at all is very unusual. But, as I said, it’s a MIL. There are probably special shops just for them.

I feel your pain Op!
My MIL would gift our children presents this way and she’d buy the majority from car boot sales or auctions. Every year, for Christmas, each child would get about 2-3 sacks of toys and clothes and apart from one or two items, most would be unwanted or unusable because the sizing would be wrong, poor style, dirty or if a toy, the product would be broken.

Every packet, product or item would be wrapped up in Christmas paper too and my children would sit there having to unwrap each item, either in front of my MIL if it was an in person visit or on Christmas Day if the presents were left. It would go on for ages as each pair of socks, underwear, pyjamas, box of chocolates, packet of crayons, individual books were unwrapped. So many pairs of socks!!

There would be boxes of out of date chocolates (three years on the trot the kids received the same batch of chocolates!), we’d get stained clothing. So many broken toys - one year it was a fake Etch a Sketch type toy that had already been used and had been drawn on and was missing pieces! My DH said ‘this toy has been used and it is broken’ and my FIL said ‘it wasn’t like that when we wrapped it’.

We tried different ways of pushing back so one year in October my DH called his mum and said that for Christmas, can the children have just one toy or one item of clothing or can he buy something for the kids and she just reimburse him the money (he’d reiterate to his mum that it wouldn’t be expensive) and my MIL would say ‘oh too late, I’ve already bought this year’s presents’.

We tried to beat the system, the kids would unwrap the presents in front of my MIL and we’d leave the broken, unwanted gifts and stained clothing at her house but my MIL didn’t like this and found a way to beat us the following year and - I am not kidding or exaggerating here - but when we visited them in August she presented the sacks of presents to the kids as we were leaving the house heading home! August! In the end, my DH was so strict with his mum that it eventually stopped but I don’t think people realise how frustrating it is until you are put in that position.

They do sell children’s shoes. I’ve donated my son’s shoes from when he started walking and I see them
for sale in my local charity shops.

OP everyone is going to jump to calling you unreasonable but I think most people really wouldn’t like this. I would just keep a bag in the cupboard for everything and when it’s full fling it in the textile recycling. Depending on your daughter’s age, keep a few half decent things to get trashed as nursery clothes. That way you can send her photos from nursery with her in them and no one’s feelings are hurt.

Maybe it was a pack of unopened and unused kids' knickers.

Your MiL thinks of her grandchild every day and spends money on things she feels she might like and might save you money, and your take away is that she's stingy and a liar? When you ask where they're from, it's understandable she'd say the original shop, as you both know she bought them from the charity shop, so why would you ask unless you're asking where they were from originally? If you don't want the things, surely you have the social skills to tell her that without inflating it to something so negative. 'Thanks for the things MiL, but DC has loads of shoes/pants/jigsaws, so can you hold off for a bit while we get use out of these' should do it. If not, just donate elsewhere.

I could never handle this. Well done for putting a stop to it- how did your husband finally manage it?

This kind of behaviour is a sign of being mentally unwell in some way. Normal people simply don’t do this.

When you ask where they're from, it's understandable she'd say the original shop, as you both know she bought them from the charity shop, so why would you ask unless you're asking where they were from originally?

No, the MIL should say they were bought at a charity shop but the BRAND is Next, M&S etc (which would be on the label unless it's been cut out as some kind of ploy.)

There's a difference between buying things for grandchildren that are needed and wanted, And buying things that are neither just to make the buyer feel good about herself.

It comes over as controlling to be honest. Imposing her wishes on you.

I buy clothes for my grandchildren but I always ask first if they need whatever ( T shirts, socks, jumpers) and I'd never buy 2nd hand. I will buy sale bargains that are new.

Mumsnet is always like this on these threads. Similar threads have been made before and posters always jump to berating the OP for being ungrateful and bending over backwards to say how normal (and eco conscious 🙄) the person gifting all this shite is.

In the real world, many parents love a good charity shop bargain of bits and pieces for their children. I buy books in particular and have found some fantastic toys like a set of dolls house furniture and a nearly-new scuttlebug. But you don’t gift these things to other people’s children, certainly not exclusively and in bulk ffs.

I am also a charity shop volunteer, 10 years. Two household name charities. Underwear only sold Bnwt but OP seems to have a massive problem with Bnwt from a charity shop too. Unsure how something can simultaneously be Bnwt and ripped/stained.

also agree that stained or damaged stuff would be straight in the recycling. Sometimes you miss a mark or split seam but no shop has a policy of putting out damaged stock.

OP has a clear issue with charity shops in general and would prefer all brand new. Which is a weird attitude to me but that’s up to her. OP’s MIL having a shopping addiction is a separate issue.