MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

She doesn't contribute to land fills and I like that.

My MIL is like this too - i've nothing against charity shops if the items are nice and needed but she'll buy things just because they are cheap. I don't say anything as she means well

I buy from several charity shops in various local areas & they are all set out perfectly, some better than your average shop , all is clean, nothing broken & clothes all just as you would buy in any clothes shop. Ive never encountered anything that smells or is stained or not fit for purpose, quite the opposite.

Knickers in a charity shop?! 😱

She’s defo bought knickers

Thanks all

I know what you mean

YANBU
It's awful.
I never buy second hand as I hate the smell and it often doesn't wash out. It's an old smell. Someone bought my DC a top from a charity shop with a stain on it.

It sounds maybe she gets very excited about buying lots of things for your DC. My MIL does similar. When she visits she has a haul of charity shop clothes and also passes it off as having bought it brand new. I would prefer one or two items because we have a tiny house and little storage. DH has gently tried to tell her this but she doesn’t listen. Because my MIL does not frequently visit, she is unaware of DC’s size and many things are too small or too big. Within the bundle she gives, I pull out a couple of items I think may be ok (right size and nice style). Then I will pop the rest in the charity bin. I always say thanks.

DH has no idea and has never asked ‘where is this or that item’ - he is completely oblivious to this whole process. So I put the clothes to the side during the visit and take my time later to have a good look at the haul.

Knickers to shoes

Charity shops are not allowed to sell childrens' shoes or knickers. Maybe knickers if brand new in an unopened pack but the shop I work in (one of the major charity shops) not even then.

I'd love to hear MIL's side... there must be some hint she is trying to make, right? The longer OP takes to get the hint, the more passive-aggressive stained jumpers and smelly leggings will arrive...

Our local charity shop (it's one of those warehouse type ones) has a lot of "new" stuff as businesses close they give a lot of the stock to this charity shop. My mother loves going in there and finding fun bargains and vintage treasures. I've no issue with it at all and I enjoy it too but honestly, we're very discerning so we won't bring anything home that has marks etc. I'd have a chat with your MIL when the occasion arises and just say that you don't mind secondhand but that you wish to have unmarked, clean and fresh looking clothing for your daughter only. Otherwise, let it rest and just toss it out.

Environmentally it's better, I'm sure most of the things are totally useable so just be glad she cares and quietly donate what you don't want.

I think you're exaggerating. I used to volunteer in a charity shop and all clothes were cleaned first and anything stained wouldn't be sold. I think it's very unlikely that the things she'd bring you are stained and stinky. Why waste money buying new when excellent quality items are sold like-new in charity shops? Raising money for a good cause and reducing waste?

Likewise, I've volunteered for 15 years and all items are carefully checked. Stinky or stained just wouldn't go out. Straight into textile recycling which we sell to textile merchants.

Has she been doing this for a long time, do you know? I ask because I'm in the USA and thrifting (buying used goods, in all of the manifestations of that practice) is HUGE and very hyped here right now. Some of the reasons (buy nothing to protest the Trump administration, resist tariffs) would be irrelevant to the UK, but some others (prices spiking post-COVID, desire to protect the environment) might resonate, especially if she's susceptible to social media.

It's super weird that she is so often buying tags-on items which smell of smoke so it sounds like maybe she has no thrifting experience at all. If she is always getting stuff that smells even when new, there's a problem with her source. Give her feedback; tell her when stuff smells and you can't use it.

Also, if she's your MIL I am guessing that she is your partner's mother. Can your partner maybe shed some light on what's going on and how best to stem the tide of unwanted items, while maybe clarifying what IS wanted and would be welcome without hurting her feelings?

I was thinking this. My aunt used to volunteer at a charity shop and said anything stained was binned and everything was washed.
I've also never seen underwear or shoes for sale in a charity shop.
Just bin what you don't want it it's too much effort to take it back to the shop.

Does she always buy new for all the other grandchildren? Are they boys? Or children of her girls?

That’s nonsense, I’ve never seen used knickers but all bar one of the charity shops round me sell children’s shoes. Perhaps your chain doesn’t allow it but it’s not a universal rule.

And very few charity shops, if any, wash clothes any more so some stained or damaged items do end up on the shelves. Albeit most shops are pretty good and filtering most of these bits outs.

I’m with you op. A few of my family have given my kids and I gifts from charity shops, including my mil, and I’ve really appreciated them but that’s because they have been genuinely thoughtful gifts.
That doesn’t sound like it’ s the case with your mil, it sounds like she’s just using you to facilitate her shopping addiction and to feel better about herself without any real thought for you or your daughter.

Some charity shop sell brand new knickers and socks/gloves/hats, can't remember which ones they are but it's not unusual to see them, they are usually the great big kind though!

Doubt they would be used ! Lots of those stores sell new things .

I’m slightly addicted to visiting charity shops myself, i’ve found some great bargains and do get a bit of fomo if I don’t go for a while so I sort of get that. However, i’d never buy anyone something from there as a birthday/christmas present. We get endless big soft toys given from the in laws, they just go straight in a bag to go to the charity shop! I’d just say thank you and get rid of anything really rubbish as I fear you will just come across as ungrateful if you mention it, i’d find it annoying too though.

Either tell her you have too much stuff and to stop, tell her you don't want your DD to wear second hand clothes in poor condition (give the smoke smelling one as an example, that's terrible!!), or drop it back to a charity shop.

If it smells that means they don't wash or disinfect the items. Hard no on that. She could be bringing bed bugs into your house that way. That's exactly what happened to me with my MIL's gifts. Luckily I spotted one and threw the whole lot out, triple bagging it and steaming any surfaces the items had been on. After that I requested no more used items, but she did it again, and at baby shower to boot. I had thrown the shower at a restaurant for this reason and the mom of the baby, being forwarned, just took a walk (allegedly to put the gifts in the car) and tossed MILs gifts into the garbage. It turned out it didn't matter if they were new or used as the bedbugs were transferred from wherever she shopped to her house, she did nothing about it and then let the items sit in bags on the floor for weeks. Small wonder they had bedbugs in them.
She had lied and claimed the baby gifts were new, but the teddy bear was missing an eye. 😄
I'm a thrifter myself (wouldn't give them as gifts) but I throw anything that can be washed straight into the washer. The things that can't be washed get steamed.

The fact that your MIL is buying new things for the other grandchildren but only buying charity shop stuff for your daughter is really awful.
MIL is treating your DD (her granddaughter) as second best.

Let me guess that either the other grandchildren are boys or your DH/DP's sibling is the golden child or if there is more than one sibling then your DH/DP is the scapegoat?

@AlwaysHopefull89 maybe you should ask MNHQ to edit your original post so other posters can see that the MIL buys the other grandchildren new things & only your DD gets the charity shop stuff.

I’m sorry but I do think it’s stingy to give charity shop buys as Birthday or Christmas gifts. For one there is no gift receipt for the recipient to find something they prefer if it doesn’t fit or suit. Not everyone likes second hand items either. I prefer to buy new for my children. I wish I could find gems in charity shops but when I look at the children’s section it’s items that are well worn and overpriced.