Page 11 | MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

AlwaysHopefull89 · 2025-06-30T22:19:51+00:00

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful? Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes. She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me. what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them. I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me …. she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 12:11

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:10

Which charity out of interest? Most of the chains, even small chains have policies which would put stinky and stained clothes into textiles recycling.

I’m just intrigued as to which charities are selling such vast quantities of broken, smelly and stained and ripped goods that the NC'd OP is overwhelmed by them - to the extent it would be too time consuming even to bin these vast quantities.

It sounds far more like the traditional jumble sale’s leftovers (do they still exist) which would be collected by the rag traders.

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British heart foundation

edit sorry realise you Aren’t replying to me

susanandlucypevensie · 01/07/2025 12:13

gannett · 01/07/2025 11:07

This needs restating again because a lot of posters are taking the OP at face value. I don't just think she's exaggerating, I think she's straight-up lying. Charity shops do not sell second-hand underwear. (They sometimes sell new, packaged underwear and socks.) Everything I've ever browsed through is perfectly clean, laundered and fresh-smelling. Even the second-hand workout gear! If anything, sometimes it smells a bit over-laundered.

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I have worked for charities, I didn't work in the shop but as part of my induction I was always shown around them and shown the inner workings.

They DO NOT launder anything. At all. They don't have/can't afford to run washing machines.

The steam everything and anything that comes in dirty, they recycle.

The laundry smells you're smelling are from the people that donated

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:14

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 12:10

You don’t have to drive to a charity shop to donate

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I've left stuff outside in a charity bag and it wasn't taken so I did have to in the end. Regardless it's just another job for OP to do. She hasn't asked for this stuff.

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 12:15

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:14

I've left stuff outside in a charity bag and it wasn't taken so I did have to in the end. Regardless it's just another job for OP to do. She hasn't asked for this stuff.

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Well she can chuck it in the bin then….honestly

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:17

OneGiddyRubyViewer · 01/07/2025 12:15

Well she can chuck it in the bin then….honestly

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That's really eco friendly isn't it? People might actually have needed that stuff, but instead OP's MIL takes it, drives it over to someone who doesn't want it, so OP can fill her own bin with it? What a waste of time, money, stuff and energy. Surely easier for OP's MIL to just stop giving her rubbish she doesn't want.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:24

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:17

That's really eco friendly isn't it? People might actually have needed that stuff, but instead OP's MIL takes it, drives it over to someone who doesn't want it, so OP can fill her own bin with it? What a waste of time, money, stuff and energy. Surely easier for OP's MIL to just stop giving her rubbish she doesn't want.

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The whole thrust of the OPs complaint is that they are not fit for use. Broken, smelly, ripped unusable clothes and underwear and toys.

Apparently she lives near a collection of charity shops selling rubbish instead of the standard reusable goods (still keen to hear about which charities are selling stinking unusable goods but the OP doesn’t seem to be returning).

I don’t for one moment believe that this OP is being given burdenson bag loads of rubbish every week.

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:29

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:24

The whole thrust of the OPs complaint is that they are not fit for use. Broken, smelly, ripped unusable clothes and underwear and toys.

Apparently she lives near a collection of charity shops selling rubbish instead of the standard reusable goods (still keen to hear about which charities are selling stinking unusable goods but the OP doesn’t seem to be returning).

I don’t for one moment believe that this OP is being given burdenson bag loads of rubbish every week.

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So it's broken and smelly so should just go in the bin, but you don't actually believe that it is broken, smelly etc?

If OP just doesn't want tonnes of stuff from charity shops that isn't suitable for her children, that's fine. If she's said she doesn't want it, it should stop. It's not for her to facilitate someone else's shopping addiction and pretend to be grateful.

TheLette · 01/07/2025 12:31

Just ask her to do you a favour and take stuff to the charity shop for you, as she goes so regularly and you are too busy to go yourself. Hope she doesn't buy the donated stuff 😂

My mother is a bit like this but on a much smaller scale. Example: one day she tells me she is donating some kids puzzles to a shop and just checks with me before doing so, she wants to declutter. Me: yes cool we definitely don't want any more stuff in our house. Her: ok. Later that day, she picks up a puzzle of the exact same type from a shop (brand new) for one of my daughters 🤨

LBFseBrom · 01/07/2025 12:32

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:24

The whole thrust of the OPs complaint is that they are not fit for use. Broken, smelly, ripped unusable clothes and underwear and toys.

Apparently she lives near a collection of charity shops selling rubbish instead of the standard reusable goods (still keen to hear about which charities are selling stinking unusable goods but the OP doesn’t seem to be returning).

I don’t for one moment believe that this OP is being given burdenson bag loads of rubbish every week.

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I have not known a charity shop to sell shoddy goods, if such things are donated they bin them.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:59

Anxioustealady · 01/07/2025 12:29

So it's broken and smelly so should just go in the bin, but you don't actually believe that it is broken, smelly etc?

If OP just doesn't want tonnes of stuff from charity shops that isn't suitable for her children, that's fine. If she's said she doesn't want it, it should stop. It's not for her to facilitate someone else's shopping addiction and pretend to be grateful.

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Her complaint was that the goods were not fit for purpose.

If you read my post you will note I wrote:

I don’t for one moment believe that this OP is being given burdensome bag loads of rubbish every week

However I’m sure the OP already has what they want from this thread.

SlinkyDog1 · 01/07/2025 13:05

howcanistayhinged · 01/07/2025 10:24

I find it hard to understand where people like this are coming from and why they do what they do. It just seems vindictive and purposefully nasty to bring all that garbage over to your house. If not it has to be mental illness, although I'm not sure the two are mutually exclusive.

my MIL is genuinely mentally unwell but it still fucks me off when she tries to let my child bring home crap from her musty home. Everything smells of not having been dusted for a thousand years and she tries to foist absolute garbage onto my child to bring back to our home. I put the foot down from the get go as I can envisage it growing arms and legs over the years. She’s the type that will wrap a single bar of dove soap for you for your Christmas present. I grin and bear it all because she does have a mental illness, but I have to guard the threshold of my home because it absolutely would turn into bags of rubbish on my doorstep if I’m not firm about it now.

Has all that stopped completely for you now? I always love seeing posts on Mumsnet where people stuck to their boundaries.

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Yes, thankfully it has stopped now. I think once we started returning the gifts or calling the broken toys out, returning the out of date sweets and left them in her house my MIL got the hint. We did try the softly, softly approach at the beginning by asking my MIL, in advance, what she would like for her Christmas and she’d always say that she wanted cash so we would gift her cash (because after all - why would we buy her something she didn’t want). In return, we’d suggest things for her to buy our children but she’d ignore it and buy crap. In the end we’d ask for cash to put towards something more substantial for the kids but there was no way that she’d give our children cash - she was too tight to do that.

It wasn’t a case of saying no for the sake of it, some of the toys were dangerous as they didn’t come from recognised toy shops and weren’t certified safe, the sweets were years out of date and had discoloured with age. It wasn’t an easy path to tread especially when the children were young and wanted to eat those sweets.

@howcanistayhinged you are right, it felt vindictive to me. I think her compulsion to buy crap and feel she was getting a bargain was more important than seeing her grandchildren receive gifts they actually wanted.

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 01/07/2025 13:05

DorothyandtheWizard · 01/07/2025 08:22

Charity shops now are just like any other business. I'd love to know how much of their profit goes to the actual charity and how much to the CEOs. I've become very sceptical having looked at some online company accounts.
One near me was closed for weeks for a revamp yet the stock is just the same and they must have spent thousands on tarting up the shop.

Buy 2nd hand if you want to of course, but not all the money will be spent as we'd like.

Edited

Wouldn’t that have been to do with the landlord not the charity? We own a building with a charity shop in it, building is our responsibility nothing to do with the charity.

slashlover · 01/07/2025 13:10

MagnifyingLass · 01/07/2025 11:07

I’ve bought shoes from a UK charity shop before!

Adults shoes, yes, they all sell them. There are rules for children's shoes, however. Charity shops are not allowed to sell worn childrens' shoes.
If they do they are breaking the law.

It's not against the law FFS. I work in one of the major charities and we sell children's shoes.

tammienorrie · 01/07/2025 13:19

lifeonmars100 · 01/07/2025 10:46

Knickers? I cannot believe that any charity shop would sell used knickers.

Never seen one that does and I have been in a lot of charity shops.

I used to volunteer with Oxfam who have a long standing relationship with M&S, we’d regularly get stock from one of their big stores. It was either stuff that hadn’t sold even after the sales, or things like packets of knickers which should have 6 pairs but one was missing because someone had taken them out to see the size or whatever. We would absolutely sell brand news markies pants and they were a bargain - if 6 pairs were £12 originally, we’d sell 5 pairs for £5.

I now volunteer in another charity shop and we regularly get underwear donated, we will sell brand new bras, knickers, socks, swimwear or y-fronts if they are still tagged. We get a lot of pairs of novelty socks after Christmas. Anything worn is straight in the recycling. People do regularly donate bags full of toddler pants and socks for some weird reason.

shoes - we will sell worn shoes but they need to be pristine, whether adult or child.

MagnifyingLass · 01/07/2025 13:21

It's not against the law FFS. I work in one of the major charities and we sell children's shoes

I did amend my post. It's against policy for most major charity shops to sell used childrens' shoes. It can damage their feet.

SlinkyDog1 · 01/07/2025 13:24

I think posters are obsessing where the OP’s MIL buys the clothes. From experience, I can say we received plenty of underwear sets that weren’t packaged, but each set was wrapped, each pair of socks wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. We’d often receive clothes that had stains on. I think they were often bought from car boot sales. And sometimes random stuff like towels, flannels etc. It was completely bizarre that she thought a six year boy would want Dora the Explorer knickers!
I’d also mention that this took place when the kids were young, at a very busy and stressful time of our lives - my DH and I worked and had young children, we’d visit our in laws for a family visit and get foisted with loads of tat. And we’d have to bin quite a lot of it and then risk that our own bin was full ahead of bin collection day.
It’s not easy dealing with family members who dish out the crap but you have to be strong and push back for your own sanity.

tammienorrie · 01/07/2025 13:27

MagnifyingLass · 01/07/2025 13:21

It's not against the law FFS. I work in one of the major charities and we sell children's shoes

I did amend my post. It's against policy for most major charity shops to sell used childrens' shoes. It can damage their feet.

Have volunteered for both Oxfam and save the children. Neither of those chains banned the sale of children’s shoes.

The things we were not allowed to sell were arm bands, bike helmets, car seats, life jackets - all for safety reasons. Anything counterfeit because that’s illegal. Both chains have a policy of not selling items made from fur, toy weapons or any items with racist or homophobic sentiments, or glamourising war/violence. The STC shop won’t sell used earrings, Oxfam happy to do so.

slashlover · 01/07/2025 13:31

MagnifyingLass · 01/07/2025 13:21

It's not against the law FFS. I work in one of the major charities and we sell children's shoes

I did amend my post. It's against policy for most major charity shops to sell used childrens' shoes. It can damage their feet.

You've had several people who work or volunteer in charity shops telling you that a lot do.

pinck · 01/07/2025 13:57

DreamTheMoors · 01/07/2025 05:47

Would someone please answer this question?
Thank you…
I live in California - always have. Never been to the UK, although I’d very much like to.
I see charity shops talked about all the time - but the charity shops here are crap. Like there may be an abundance of jeans but they’re all low-rise
and the tops are so old you can see through them. I’m more interested in glass anyway and that’s very scarce.
I mean, we just don’t frequent the charity shops here. They have nothing to offer.

Are the charity shops in the UK better? Higher quality? More variety? I wish they had that here.
(edited because I accidentally pressed the post button too soon)

Edited

In the US that depends entirely on where you live. I live in an affluent suburb outside Chicago, and I find great stuff constantly—especially for my son. Vintage Jordan sweatshirts, $3 designer kids’ brands and a stitched Mark Buehrle (White Sox '05) jersey last week. Not exactly see-through tops and low-rise jeans.

Roobarbtwo · 01/07/2025 14:14

C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2025 12:24

The whole thrust of the OPs complaint is that they are not fit for use. Broken, smelly, ripped unusable clothes and underwear and toys.

Apparently she lives near a collection of charity shops selling rubbish instead of the standard reusable goods (still keen to hear about which charities are selling stinking unusable goods but the OP doesn’t seem to be returning).

I don’t for one moment believe that this OP is being given burdenson bag loads of rubbish every week.

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I used to volunteer for the Red Cross. We steamed the donated goods. Anything that wasn't fit for sale was sent for rag. There are a few charity shops where I live and anything that's put on the shop floor is in very decent condition. I have also never seen knickers in any charity shop. The only time I would think there would be if they were donated still in original packaging

321user123 · 01/07/2025 14:24

MuckFusk · 01/07/2025 04:19

No, she never admitted she had lied. She lied a lot and never admitted it when caught out.

She didn't bother to explain the bedbugs not did she apologize for sending them our way. She also gave all her neighbours bed bugs and actually let her house go into foreclosure because she wouldn't pay the bug spraying bills the condo board sent her after they had to spray over and over. She couldn't afford that and buying tons of worthless crap and going on vacation, so she chose the crap and vacations. To this day she doesn't answer the phone in order to dodge bill collectors. 😄

She has never gifted anything again because I dumped her useless son. Neither of my children would ever take home gifts from her, they'd trash them, but she hasn't tried to give them any since I dumped my ex. I don't think they matter that much to her as she hasn't asked to see them in many years. That baby shower I was talking about was for her great grandchild and after showering her with crap gifts, she barely looked at the baby once she arrived. IMO she just wanted to buy stuff and the baby was a handy excuse.

I think she got the items from both sales in the neighborhood and charity shops. Her house was crammed with junk she had bought at those sales. I have no doubt she is still doing it as it was compulsive behaviour IMO.
I do feel sorry for ex MIL even though she was horrible to me many times. She needs psychiatric help.

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Oh goodness, so sorry to hear of this whole mess.
I hope you and the children are all much happier and less heavy, loosers, gifts, bugs and all! 🤣🤭

she definitely sounds one inch away from being a hoarder. I can’t actually believe she didn’t pay for the bugs to be exterminated nor that she didn’t try the “natural way”! 😭

Bennetty · 01/07/2025 14:28

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:20

When I say next tag I mean the actual seen in clothes tag!

Why would you ask her where she got a gift for your daughter? It's the height of rudeness. Just accept what she gives you with a thank you and do a wash with some laundry sanitizer before putting them on your daughter.

MyBirthdayMonth · 01/07/2025 14:31

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:53

Another thing for me also, everything is half full or broken/ ripped. I’ve had the toiletries also. Also other grandkids of hers get new also!

I think it could be a generational thing I don’t know

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I think it's more a being a tight fisted cow thing than a generational thing. Lots of over-sixties love to spend money. I should know, I am one!

321user123 · 01/07/2025 14:33

In commercial units, internal decoration and refurbishing is usually down to the tenant.
the landlord do ligation is to hand it over and maintain it in a safe condition.

This is usually because the leases are self-repairing leases. The majority of the ones I came across are such.

DBD1975 · 01/07/2025 14:37

I think this could be a generational issue and could be linked to your MIL's background and upbringing.
Not sure how old she is but if she would come from the 'make do and mend' generation this might explain it.
If not, was she brought up in a poor financial situation and if she was this could have had a life long impact on the relationship she has with money now.
You might also find it is all about your MIL, in her mind, thinking she has got a bargain and the endorphimine hit she will get from doing so.
I know it will be annoying OP but I would 'suck it up' by washing anything useful and re-donating anything which is not.
Your MIL obviously spends a lot of time looking for things for you and your daughter and gets a lot of pleasure from doing so. I think it is lovely to think you and your daughter are so uppermost in her thoughts.
I would just treat it as an eccentric trait and try and be kind about it.