MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

Stuff in a lot of charity shops are overpriced these days, mainly because of professional thrifters/resellers. People obsessively go from shop to shop first thing and hoover up all the half decent stuff so that people who genuinely need to use charity shops through necessity are left with the barely passing clothes and plastic tat.

Some stuff in Next kids may well be £27 but a lots of basics will be around ten and sold in the charity shop used for nearly full price because it has a name on it.

The only good things you can find in charity shops are kids books because not many people understood the value in a book that you can’t put a price on!

Removed as duplication!

This.

The OP seems highly embellished.

OP, if you don't want stuff from charity shops, just tell her/quietly bin it. No need to exaggerate on here to make her more of a villian.

They are very varied here, even within the same town. Eg near us, there’s one I never go in as it’s mainly bric-a-brac, often sets of crockery with bits missing, old VHS videos, old cheap jewellery etc. A different one near us took me a while to realise it’s a charity shop as it’s so nice! Sells good quality clothing from mid-level high street brands and nice furniture. Everything is nicely spread out, not all crammed in like in some places.
each one is run by a different charity so there’s no “standard”.
once you know a good one, people do return often!

So let her not speak to you.

I buy a lot at charity shops but not everything. We live in a 5-10 minute walk of many shops. I call into one for 10-15 minutes a couple of times a week. If I see something I or the kids would want/need I pick it up. I also keep an eye out for the kids of a couple of friends who do same. I’d say in terms of party clothes, winter coats and school jumpers for kids close to 100% comes from charity shops, second hand stalls at school or passing things on between us. We also get a lot of other things second hand but I tend to buy things like school T-shirts/trousers, basics like plain leggings & joggers new as it’s unusual you find decent ones in right sizes. I could believe some people can manage to kit their kids out 100% from charity shops though and I think if you are around a size 12-14 you’d find a very wide selection of women’s stuff local to me. Bigger or smaller is a lot more limited. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t walk past charity shops every time I go to run an errand though. It wouldn’t feel worth going somewhere out of the way or taking a lot of time to do it

Yes, charity shops in the UK are really good. There’s a lot of wearable decent quality stuff in there for reasonable prices. Especially kids stuff since they wear it so little before growing out.

Also second hand books and other household stuff - ornaments, mugs, board games etc. They tend to be very small too so it’s easy to have a quick lunch break browse.

It's completely unacceptable to buy clothing and toys as gifts in charity shops. For yourself, fine.

I’d just say to her that you’re feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things you have (not necessarily just DD’s) and you’re struggling to find places to keep them, keep the house in order etc. make it a “you” problem rather than a “her” problem, thank her for her generosity but ask that she stops giving you things so frequently (just birthdays and Christmas)

@AlwaysHopefull89 I agree with you, I wouldn’t like this either, my sister inlaw gave a me a whole bag of unwashed clothes when my baby was born, I simply didn’t have the energy to go through it all.

Thank her but tell her that your daughter doesn’t need any stuff and her visits are more important than gifts xx

It sounds like your issue is more with the quality and quantity of what she’s giving you rather than the charity shop itself. My MIL did something similar and sent us a lot of half-broken plastic toys and completely impractical baby clothes (think button-up frilly shirts for 3month old). I don’t like waste and make a point not to buy stuff we don’t need. Also we already had all the clothes we needed for the first year gifted 3rd or 4th hand from a colleague. And have a very small house so specifically said please don’t send much because we don’t have room.

It just stressed me out to be honest and as a new mother I did not need the extra task on my to-do list of sorting through boxes of useless crap to take to the appropriate recycling bin.

I don't think it's ok to be buying stuff from charity shops for Christmas and birthdays unless it's excellent condition.

I would just tell her I didn't want anything smelling of smoke or knickers. She can take offence if she likes.
I'd also bin or redonate anything I didn't want.

I don't know if it's my age but I don't put up with shit like that any more.

I have a relative who sends me awful things for presents, the nastiest plastic tat from Amazon. I used to feel bad about it and keep it hanging around for years. Now it goes straight out the moment it arrives - out on the street with a label on "free to a good home", it's usually gone within an hour. I've asked her not to send things because I don't need anything/have a small flat etc. I've suggested other things she could buy instead but NOPE, always the same.

IMO compulsively buying stuff from charity shops to regift to people who don't want it is an unrecognised form of hoarding.

It took some time to stop it and it was like playing a game of chess, with strategic moves back and forth (with broken, mismatched, dirty chess pieces haha) between us and my MIL. It caused stress because we lived in a small property with hardly any room at the best of times and then to have over 6 sack full of crap turn up overnight put a dampener on things especially if they were left on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Or trying to squeeze them in our smallish car when we left our in laws house.

They did smell although my FIL did smoke but also the smell was musty perhaps due to be stored in the garage or warehouse before they were sold on to my MIL so I didn’t want the bags left in my hallway whilst we decided what do do with them.

I knew that if I piped up and complained to my MIL, I would be the baddie as I was the DIL so my DH dealt with it. Initially, he tried to keep everyone happy and just accepted it from his mum but each year it got worse and worse and he then put his foot down. Realistically who wants to admonish their parent for gifting their grandchildren presents? Nobody really but my MIL just didn’t care about the kids and what they wanted, she just had to buy stuff that was being sold cheap and pass it on. She lives in a massive house and it is full to the brim with crap, she hoards stuff but strangely never uses it - for example, there’s about 20 rolls of kitchen paper in her kitchen but it’s dusty, discoloured and dirty because its been on the top of the fridge for so long that no-one uses it anyway. She is notoriously tight with money but would spend money on crap rather than just giving the kids £10 to spend on a book.

But, my DH understood completely where I was coming from but to ‘incentivise’ him to dealing with it, I wouldn’t deal with the crap myself. I’d put it back in his car boot and he’d get frustrated with it and then he would need to recycle it, put in the charity bag etc. It must be hard for those people whose DH/DW doesn’t see it as a problem but thankfully my DH knew from the beginning that it wasn’t normal behaviour.

Some posters on this thread may criticise the recipient for not being grateful but they don’t really understand how frustrating it is to be on the receiving end of these ‘gifts’ especially as the gifts usually come at busy times of the year such as Christmas or birthdays (or in my case, the August bank holiday in time for Christmas 😜).

My MIL will hoard crap from charity shops to give as gifts at Christmas and Birthdays.

There’s usually no actual thought behind whether the particular bit of tat will be any use to, or to the taste of, the recipient. And by Christmas she’s normally forgotten who she intended it for, which adds another element of randomisation.

Yes, it’s “better for the environment.” Yes, “it’s the thought that counts” etc etc. But there is no ‘thought,’ she doesn’t care about the environment and she’s got pots of money so doesn’t need to scrimp.

Plus, if you’re one of the favoured category, you’ll get brand new and (somewhat) geared to your tastes.

Assuming she’s in her 50s, no it’s not generational.

I find it hard to understand where people like this are coming from and why they do what they do. It just seems vindictive and purposefully nasty to bring all that garbage over to your house. If not it has to be mental illness, although I'm not sure the two are mutually exclusive.

my MIL is genuinely mentally unwell but it still fucks me off when she tries to let my child bring home crap from her musty home. Everything smells of not having been dusted for a thousand years and she tries to foist absolute garbage onto my child to bring back to our home. I put the foot down from the get go as I can envisage it growing arms and legs over the years. She’s the type that will wrap a single bar of dove soap for you for your Christmas present. I grin and bear it all because she does have a mental illness, but I have to guard the threshold of my home because it absolutely would turn into bags of rubbish on my doorstep if I’m not firm about it now.

Has all that stopped completely for you now? I always love seeing posts on Mumsnet where people stuck to their boundaries.

It can vary from shop to shop and from town to town. Charity shops in better off areas often get the donations of really nice stuff. Where my adult DD lives she has found some really good quality stuff, a coat and a fab summer dress. Also a great pair of boots.

But most charity shops sell far more than just clothes. Most take books, toys, household items and the ones with bigger premises even sell furniture. When DD was looking for furniture for her new flat she got a solid pine round dining table and four matching chairs, all in excellent condition, for £65! From the same place a 3 seater sofa for £100. Since then other great bargains for household stuff.

I volunteered in a charity shop years ago and any underwear, lingerie or hoiserie had to be brand new to sell (because ew grim who would want used). We did sometimes get used donations but they went into the textile bin. The rules are very strict around what could and couldn't be sold.
Any undies we sold we all clearly brand new in packets. Sometimes local clothes shops would donate end of season bits and pieces that weren't sold that we would put out.
We had a steamer but no washing machine so goods had to be in good enough condition that we could steam and put it out for sale. Anything smelly or a little too used also went into the textile bin.

They do, I have been into loads of charity shop that have shoes on sale. I have never bought any and i rarely buy from charity shops anyway. I wasn't aware that charity shops sell underwear that is just nasty, I wouldn't want somebody else's used knickers. Some charity shops i have noticed have a new section, I have seen jewellery and fascinators and some ornaments that are clearly new.

Living outside the U.K. I miss them a lot. They are just a great functional part of society. Reusing old things, an avenue to avoid throwing away things you don't need any more, allowing people a cost-effective way to buy things, and a portion of the money goes to charity rather than big companies? Great.

@NJLX2021 This has made me think back to when I was a child and, TBH, I don't think charity shops were a thing then. At least, nowhere near as common. What we did have, once or twice a year, was a good old fashioned jumble sale. Do jumble sales ever happen now? Bet they don't.

God I used to love a jumble sale when I was a kid. I think my Mum would be horrified sometimes at the things I took home claiming it as a bargain. I can remember a purple cardigan I bought for a few pence which looked wonderful to me but my Mum flat out refused to let me wear it. I believe it ended up being used as a shroud for our poor old cat when she died.

I have seen things in charity shops that are stained, have holes in them and look dirty.it also sounds like she has developed an obsession if she's going in every day.say no thanks we have enough and you could ask her why she's buying new for the other grandchildren and not for yours

Knickers? I cannot believe that any charity shop would sell used knickers.

Sounds like a result! Do say something if it’s actually unsuitable / unusable.

I do buy some charity shop or Vinted bargains but wouldn’t want a lot of excess stuff, haven’t got lots of storage.

My mother used to do this but with car boot sales

In her case it was her narcissistic brain telling her to buy utter crap so she could tell everyone that she clothed my children

She bought a travel cot that not only stank of poo and smoke,but it had no base to it

Slippers that had come away from the sole,clothes with leftover food down the front,children's knickers with the last childs shit still on them and toys with half the bits missing

One highlight is when she bought my tatty Teddy obsessed child a cheap,fake,not-a-tatty-Teddy and screamed at her for being 'fucking ungrateful' (I didn't know about this until years later)

Another was a toy garage that was an inch thick with smokers tar-it was filthy but I was in trouble for not 'washing it down with a bit of soap'

She did it to fill my house up with crap (I don't drive so couldn't take it to the tip) and to have bragging rights about how she supported me as I was a crap single mum who 'spends all her money on herself' (not true)

I'd have to give it back to her to get rid of and I'd get screamed at for being 'ungrateful' (I wasnt-i don't live in Buckingham Palace-I simply didn't have the room to store all her broken/smelly/raggy tat)

It was about control and power in her head-the bits I did need help and support,she was nowhere to be seen