Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

I’m sorry. That’s really hard. I hope you find some help. He really does need it. Has he done anger management at all?

Yanbu OP, but your 3rd child at 20?
Think of the two you have and focus on them.
You have a lot on your plate.

And actually I think your slight detachment is healthy and allows you to keep a steady path rather than getting drawn in to his disturbance.

YANBU, I would feel the same. Is he having ongoing counselling or anger management? He clearly has been through a lot and I sympathise with that, but you can’t go through life thinking it’s fine and dandy to punch stuff so hard you break bones, especially when there’s children involved. It will perpetuate the cycle rather than breaking it.

YANBU. Nope, you’re not being unfair to feel that way. He didn’t injure it in an accident or while playing sports. He injured himself by getting worked up after engaging with you insensitively about a very sensitive subject. If we made blanket excuses for everyone who has a difficult anniversary coming up, had a difficult childhood, witnessed or was subjected to abuse, etc., we would be constantly excusing bad behavior and further abuse. I’m not saying he’s been outright abusive, but I am saying violence is always inexcusable and that includes destruction of property. It seems like you’re doing the right thing - acting practically by taking him to the hospital but staying emotionally disengaged.

This ⬆️
sorry echoing the poster who said think about the 2 you have.

I don't think he can handle the pressure that an extra baby will bring. He sounds as if he still needs to undergo more therapy to come to terms with his childhood, and bringing an extra child into the mix when you are both still so young means that there will be no space for him or you to have the opportunity to deal with the very complex feelings he will have about being a father.
I wonder if a termination might not be the best thing for your family. He's telling you he can't cope.
It's a very difficult situation for you, you sound pretty level-headed, and obviously he shouldn't be punching furniture. I have every sympathy for you both. You have a very difficult choice to make.

Currently losing control when angry is at objects and hurting himself.

how long will it be before he lashes out at you or the children?

I would want urgent assessment and treatment for his grief , trauma and anger management issues and would be prioritising keeping myself and children safe.

there always has to be a first time and to me unless he gets some serious psychological support I feel he is a ticking time bomb that I would not want around my children as the risk of harm to yourself and them is too great.

You are not a bad person for not feeling much sympathy now, it is hard for you both. Fingers crossed.

No matter whether you keep this child or not, you need to think about contraception going further- the current method isn't reliable enough and more children would put you both under even more pressure.

Uh. No. This sounds more like dissociation on both their parts. He is acting out his distress. And she is avoiding dealing with the stressor (the pregnancy) and hoping the problem solves itself without her having to terminate. But you can’t sleepwalk your way to three children when your partner is so distressed by fatherhood.

Yes, he's been through some shit. But he can't go round doing stuff like that.

You say he hasn't done it before, so something is escalating, and that's very worrying.

You are the only one who can make a decision to terminate. How does your life look with 3 under 5 at the age of 21? Im not advising, but I think you need to consider your existing children.

Whatever you decide, i sincerely send you all the luck in the world

I’m sorry this has happened OP. I just want to say that even though he didn’t hit you personally, it is still domestic violence - I hope in time you see that. Punching an object / something because he is upset with a situation you are front and centre of is intimidating (whether you felt intimidated or not) and if you ever reported it, he would be taken in for questioning - that’s how serious it is.

Now, YANBU to not have sympathy. It’s incredibly childish to lash out like this and as much as I understand he has MH issues, his behaviour is disgraceful.

On top of that, his hand is now out of action and he can’t take care of his kids, and I assume he also can’t work. Brill. I’d be fuming.

Respectfully, OP, this is not the situation to bring another baby into. Mentally robust people with stable childhoods would struggle with three small children by the age of 21, and your partner has significant issues. He needs help and you need cast-iron contraception and to be ready to get you and your children out of harm’s way if he escalates to violence.

No sympathy for him as it’s his own fault. But you do need to consider your situation. It doesn’t sound like bringing another child into this is the right thing to do. No judgement, I had my 1st child at 16, so i’m no stranger to having children young. But you need to consider the children you’ve got, and what you can give them, what their life looks like. He’s going about things the wrong way, but ultimately he is right, in that a termination is the best option.

I'm not surprised he's distressed. He's only 21, a poor mental health history and a 3rd baby on the way. I just can't imagine how stressful that is.

A lot for all of you who have been through so much.
Carry on loving and looking after each other

Those poor children.

Why on earth is he not using condoms? Abortions aren't a joke, they aren't a form of male contraception either. He's been so selfish to have unprotected sex with you when he doesn't want another child.

Having said that, it's done now, so you both need to take responsibility for the situation you're now in and have a frank chat about what to do next.

What contracepion are you both using?

I dont understand. He tried to kill himself when you were pregnant with your first child: what made you both think it would be a good idea to have more kids?

What an unkind thing to say.

Just to say this pregnancy was 100% unplanned. I had the implant in, so it was a complete shock. I wasn’t being careless or anything and we definitely weren’t trying for another. I’ve always been on top of contraception since having our second.

Our kids are happy and very loved. They’re clean, fed, cuddled and doing great at nursery. I know it’s a lot for our age but we’ve done our best and I’m proud of how far we’ve come. It’s not like we’re dragging them up.

He works on scaffolding so now with his hand broken he can’t work either, which is just another thing to add to the pile. No sick pay cos it’s agency work so it’s all a bit crap.

He got help. Just because you are suicidal at one point in your life, doesn’t mean the world writes you off. The real question here is - was it real. Some men (mostly the ones who punch walls in arguments), also threaten these things for maximum impact.

I would feel the same as you.

You’re both just barely out of childhood yourselves, although it may not feel it, and an incredibly difficult childhood on top of that. You need to be kind to yourself OP, tread carefully.

I’m sick of being “kind” when it comes to children begin subjected to difficult living conditions with a parent/parents who are unable to care for them adequately, and then keep adding more children.

At the rate the OP and her boyfriend are going, she’ll be 25 with six children and that’s six children who are living with violent and unstable man.

So you can keep your “kindness”, it won’t serve those children well at all.