Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

I agree it's too .uch to cope with. The pair of you have hardly had life yet and a hard upbringing. Is this really what you want? It could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

She didn't get pregnant all by herself you know. I'm not sure why you only feel sorry for him like it's all down to pesky OP getting herself pregnant 3 times.

Yeah I had my first at 16, was pregnant at 15 and DP was nearly 17 at the time. We did have social services involved back then mainly cos of our backgrounds and me being underage, but it was more to check we had support rather than anything else. They haven’t been involved for a long time now – everything’s been stable and kids are doing well.

We were TTC our second when I was 18, but again we were in a good place then. He was working full-time, we had proper routines and were settled, so it didn’t feel like a mad decision at the time. This pregnancy was not planned though – I had the implant and it just failed, so yeah it’s all been a shock.

I work part time in a nursery which helps a bit financially and gives me structure and time away from the house. We rent – it’s not fancy but it’s ours and we’ve kept it going, never missed rent, all bills paid etc. Definitely not easy but we manage.

Someone asked if he’s ever shown controlling or abusive behaviour – no, he’s not like that. He’s struggled mentally at times but he doesn’t stop me seeing friends, doesn’t try to control what I do or say. We did split for a bit when I was about 5 months pregnant with our eldest cos he cheated, but it was a rough time and he wasn’t in a good place mentally. It was awful at the time but we worked through it, and I don’t think he’s ever gone near that kind of thing again. I wouldn’t stay if I thought he was going to treat me like that again.

This whole thing with his hand has just thrown me, I guess. Never seen him lose it like that and it’s made me rethink how things actually are.

I just want to say that you sound lovely OP. You have obviously both been through a lot. I hope that this shocks him and that he can get more help. I definitely don’t think you should feel bad about being unsympathetic; you sound exceptionally caring and understanding.

Raised cortisol (when you're frightened as you said you were when he was violent and hurt the counter - let's not pretend it wasn't violence) has long term health implications for the child you are carrying. If this continues ,as it will, then you are choosing long term health implications for that child.

You cannot "good parent" your way out of the long term damage for all your children.

Having a terrible history yourself is not carte Blanche to perpetrate a terrible history for your own children.

Lots of the posters, including myself, are speaking from experience.

You sound incredibly sensible to rethink how things actually are.

Where does she fit into this equation?

Hi OP I don’t have any advice really but I just wanted to comment on how composed and articulate you sound. You seem well equipped to navigate this situation and I wish you all the best.

Last apparently.

Would you honestly say those words to a friend, in real life?

Reading your posts OP I think you'll make the best decisions you can at the given time. I'm sorry you've both had such tough times and it sounds like you tend to work through them as well as you can. I know pregnancy is time sensitive but taking a week or so to let everything settle a bit wouldn't be the worst idea.

This is very apt

You should have a termination, think about the two children you already have. He also needs to get a vasectomy.

It's really fucking rude to tell a woman what to do with her own body. She's not asking for pregnancy advice.

As a survivor of the care system, OP has more resilience than the bloody lot of you. Don't be so shitting patronising. You sound like idiots.

YANBU at all it sounds like you’ve got so much on your plate and your reaction is completely human he’s clearly struggling and it’s sad but breaking his hand was his choice and you’re allowed to feel numb and overwhelmed that doesn’t mean you don’t care it just means you’re trying to cope too

You should be very proud of how you've turned your life around and what a great mum you are.

What's the point of telling the OP that she's damaged her child by getting stressed - to stress her out more? To encourage her to have an abortion? To leave him immediately?

She's not living in Gaza, her child is not going to be irreparably damaged by this one-off event, what woman manages to sail through pregnancy without a worry in the world?

I went through a break-up - with shouting! - and a house move and my child was not irreparably damaged.

The OP has shown incredible resilience, you're a real shit to try to make her worry that she's harmed her baby. Just how much responsibility is a mother supposed to take?

Thank you @PeapodMcgee, I am disgusted at the attitude of some of the posters on here. I do not condone violence in any manner. I understand the OP has concerns about her partner. Which is why she should reach out to the Care Leaver community. We are not judgemental the way others who have no clue what is like to be a care leaver. OP, you should be exceptionally proud of yourself to be raising your children and holding down a job. Please do reach out to the Care Leavers Association there are women who can support you and your family.

Her husband has attempted suicide before, they now have no income and they have a third baby on the way. He's said he can't cope, it's best to listen to that. I'm assuming you've never lost anyone to suicide. OP and her husband have done very well so far, so best not to blow it all up now. It's not being mean, it's being real.

I had my third, unplanned, baby with similar age gaps so I know how you will feel. When I found out I was pregnant at 4 months, I’d not started my periods again after number 2 so it took me a while to realise I was pregnant! My daughter was not quite 14 months old when the baby was born and my eldest was just short of 4 years old. My husband also wanted me to have a termination but I knew I would not be able to go through with one however “ inconvenient” another baby was.

It was a frantic first year with all three but we coped, I was a SAHM for a few years as the cost of childcare for two babies and wrap around school care was way more than I could earn. We just got on with it, once the baby arrived my husband helped as much as he could although he worked away a lot, sometimes for six weeks at a time so I had the lions share of the chid care.

We also moved house when baby was six months old when my husband got promoted and we had to move from Reading to Birmingham. Luckily this was nearer to both sets of grandparents who lived in Manchester, which was very useful when three weeks after we moved the baby got meningitis and ended up in intensive care for a month - total nightmare!

Now, although we did get divorced about 12 years after this ( a vert toxic divorce as well) I can honestly say that my ex has never expressed regret at having a third child so soon and I actually think the youngest is his favourite child - possibly because he was so poorly and we almost lost him. Not that the children are aware of this, all three are loved by both of us and we are very close despite living far apart now.

So, please think carefully and don’t feel pressured into making a decision you might regret, hopefully your husband will come to accept your pregnancy and support you as mine did.

Best of luck what ever you decide to do.

A third child would be crazy at the moment. You are both really young and he is clearly feeling an awful lot of pressure having to provide for everyone. The difference difference between between two and three is enormous. Give the two children you have the best possible chance in life and stop having more children now. Focus on them for now and then on getting yourself a job when they are old enough to go to school.

Op, I am in awe at your maturity, at only 20. Plus you come across as a very intelligent and balanced person.

You and your partner have both been dealt a tough life. But your attitude makes me think you’ll work through this and you will be ok. You do have youth and energy on your side, and this will help carry you.

He obviously needed to vent, and did so very badly, and he’s paying the price now (no need for you to feel badly !).

But you do say hes not usually like this. so hopefully you’ll come through this.

I have to say most, if not all of us have done stupid things, especially in our teens/early 20s! Loads of us would freak out at an unplanned third child. We might not go breaking our hands, but most of us also haven’t lost a parent to suicide (with the anniversary as imminent).

You both have so much going on! I also hope there’s someone in real life that you can talk to.

his reaction was not justified but 3 kids at 20 is a lot??? He is obviously overwhelmed with the two already, he’s got a lot on his plate and another in the mix. Violence is never the answer but it doesn’t seem like you actually care about his struggles or anything. He’s juggling a lot, you state he’s a good dad so he works and when not working he’s taking care of the kids - whilst struggling with mental health. People don’t understand that mh can cause physical problems too, exhaustion being one of the main symptoms. Maybe speak to him and see what he’s going through. In all honesty, it seems like you’re going to have this baby and then end up a single mum because he won’t be able to cope so many think about that

It’s so scary being little and hearing things thrown, objects punched, voices raised.

I’ve been there and yes, it’s terrifying.

And now these children are living in an environment where there’s one part-time wage coming in, and soon there’ll be 5 mouths to feed with it.

OP, you sound sensible. Best of luck making a decision about your relationship, but please, please protect your children. If you choose to put up with your boyfriend’s behaviour, you’re choosing for them to have to live with it too.