Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

Look to the future at life with three expensive kids, maybe as a single parent.
Would a termination actually be for the best?

This.
I would encourage OP to consider carefully if she could cope with 3 children. Especially if she were to end up a single mother.

What an awful post.

My niece was pregnant at 15. The father stood by her, and they grew into fantastic parents of, eventually, three children. They are now 40, and all their lives have both been incredibly hard workers, devoted to each other and their children.

How dare you say OP "has no business" having her children and "shouldn't have been allowed"?

I absolutely understand that you love him but I think because of this and your background, I don't think you realise just how far from normal this is for most people.

Many people live lives where their partners would never do that. We all have trauma, I know his is difficult for him, I'm absolutely not minimising that, but there comes a point where we need to accept the hand we were dealt and actively decide to move our lives forward and put our kids lives first so that damage doesnt do damage. Some people never get to grips with that and they are the ones who end up with alcohol, substance or violence issues.

Given you are already in deep with him, I understand you want to make this work but he needs counselling and to make a committed change now.

I’m sorry that your sudden unplanned pregnancy has upset your family stability OP. You were doing so well as a family unit and the children were thriving with two loving parents …just as it should be. A model family after your own difficult childhoods in care, it shows that you are capable and determined to support yourselves emotionally and financially, albeit still being very young for parenthood.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel little sympathy for the pain of his broken hand. But in fact I think that in reality, his regrettable angry reaction shows he was probably only just holding it together anyway. He needs to turn to professional suppport.

Your bubble has been broken as well as his hand so lots of thinking for you to do now in order to get back onto an even keel for your two little ones.

The bottom line for me would be a financial one. It’s easy to think that a new baby costs nothing when you already have the equipment and if you would be breast feeding. But in fact your income would stop for a while and your partner will now find it difficult to find work with a broken hand so you are in a very vulnerable position again.

The long term costs of three children must also be considered and planned for from birth, remembering that you have no support or financial back up from your parents to prop you up when the hard times crop up, as they do periodically.

You have launched yourselves wonderfully well given your challenging starts in life and I understand the difficulty in facing a termination.
Please talk your situation through with professionals who can listen and advise properly.

There's a hell of a lot more to being a 'good' parent than cleaning, feeding and cuddling your baby.

While you maybe don't feel you could have a termination, the alternative isn't going to be a pretty. It won't be miraculous healing of his mental health and happy placid homelife. It's going to be stressful, difficult and maybe consist of you being a single parent. Terminations aren't easy but you need to be realistic about your future.

I hope that you are OK OP. I am shocked by some of these responses. Some of the best parents I know have been really young and some who have struggled the most are those who sound ideal on paper. Your wisdom and empathy shine through in your posts. Life is complicated and can be messy and all any of us can do is our best. Again, I wish you the very best and you have my respect for how brilliantly you have done so far. 🥰

Agree with this. Most people don't have the perfect circumstances when they have children and many people have unplanned children. Life can be messy, that's the nature of it. The OP sounds like she's got her head screwed on.

I think people are being very unkind on here. We have a young woman in a very difficult situation here reaching out for support.

It’s not a tantrum - it’s the actions of a young adult whose brain hasn’t yet finished maturing who is terrified and utterly overwhelmed who for a moment lost his temper.
I suppose you are utterly perfect and have never known anyone who has lost their temper?
Must get chilly up there looking down on everyone.
And yes I am excusing him as I dread to think what he was exposed to being in care - behaviour is learned by what we have been exposed to.

You don't have to be perfect to not be aggressive to your partner in an argument.

OP is also a care leaver who was exposed to god knows what and her brain also hasn't yet finished maturing, she's actually a year younger than him. Why is he excused but she's selfish for having feelings? Feelings that she somehow managed to have without throwing things?

Sending me a PM demanding I leave you the "fuck alone" because I responded when you quoted me in a post is pretty pathetic. If you didn't want to engage with the point I made, you shouldn't have quoted me. You clearly think nobody should have the right to reply when you twist their posts. Funny how the wording in your PM was so much worse than on this thread where others could read it.