Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

Who do you think you are? The reform counsellor who suggests that children in care and care leavers are all evil. Therefore a care leaver must automatically be a danger to thier own child.

OP is clearly reaching out for advice and guidance recognising the challenge she is facing. I hate to tell you this care leavers of all sexes, parents/non-parents and ages are coming together to support each other and demonstrate the success they are making of their lives despite the significant challenges they have.

Get off your high horse, unless you have been in care and navigated transitioning into an adult’s life at a young age having survived the care system.

OK they started young, but they are a family. The children are nicely spaced. She says the relationship is solid, which indicates that she understands her partner’s complex mental health issues and is good at managing them. She honestly sounds a lot more mature than many people twice her age. She wants to keep the baby, so she should keep it. And preferably get married too, to protect her young family.

I agree he needs more support. He’ll probably need it his whole life.

This thread is not about me. I know plenty about real life having been on my own since 16.

I tried to die by suicide at the age of 30 and spent time in a psych ward have been unemployed etc… struggled significantly due to what I experienced in the care system.
I am now mid-forties and an academic and duel professional. Sadly care leavers are the ones that start adult life's at a young age, while thier peers are still in the care of thier families. I am not advising the OP to either continue the pregnancy or terminate. They both need time to settle and make a decision that is best for them and their children.

As an actual care leaver I am advising them to reach out to the men and women who are actually care experienced themselves for support during this challenging time. Support that is offered without judgment from those who actually understand what it means to be a care leaver.

You’re right he probably will and so shall OP. Being a care leaver never stops despite an arbitrary number of statutory support ending at 25.

There’s no point arguing about termination if that’s not what you want to do. It’s up to you, and if you don’t want to for whatever reason that’s your choice. Pro-choice means the woman’s choice any time for any reason.

Your partner obviously needs help and whether he stays with you should depend on whether he seeks it. Your children have now experienced violence. It must never happen again. He must seek help and do the work to recover. If he does not immediately commit to this he must leave.

The second issue is financial and I’m sure you know your children are at high risk of a lifetime of poverty. Take every bit of help
you can find anywhere to secure your future in work, so that you can support your children. Your partner has jeopardised them financially as well as emotionally and psychologically. This can be fixed but only with significant work by you both. Do not let him damage your children the way you were both damaged.

OP didn't get herself pregnant 3 times. I'm sure that her partner is well aware that condoms exist. I'm not sure why you seem to think that the pregnancies are all on OP.

No it doesn't. You said the original comment was unknown when it wasn't in tne slightest. That's all on you.

And you don't need to know more than to have the flexibility of thought required that this shit show will affect the kids as they grow.

You don't get to respond to my post and then demand I not respond back. And this isn't the partner's past behaviour. It is his current behaviour,not taking contraception seriously and then using threats to try to coerce his girlfriend into an abortion. You are not forward looking, you are just minimising.

Op please discuss this with your midwife she can signpost you both to appropriate support

This is a really vile post. You are basically telling a very vulnerable poster that if she doesn't get an abortion against her will and her partner commits suicide, then she is to blame.

Your other post was equally disgusting. "Having another baby is a life-time's commitment. It's not something you say "oh sorry mate, you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT"." But you think it works the other way? Oh sorry love, you don't want an abortion ? Well you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT.

The OP is vulnerable too, not just her partner. They are both care leavers with all the trauma that goes along with that. She is also pregnant. They both need to reach out for support. They also need to have a calm discussion together. And the partner needs to recognise he has an equal (if not greater) part in creating this baby. He doesn't get to lash out because he chose to have sex without a condom.

Behaviour like this can be domestic abuse, however, given that this isn’t a pattern of behaviour and you haven’t identified any other abusive behaviours it sounds more like him having difficulties regulating his emotions. I’d therefore be on the look out now for any signs of him struggling with the children, as if he is struggling he may lack patience, be snappy and irritable etc, and worst case scenario lash out at them. Obviously that would negatively impact your children. I’d also be concerned about any use of drugs and alcohol while he’s struggling, as that will only increase the risk.

In terms of your response I think it’s reasonable to struggle with sympathy. I think you instead need to be really clear about what’s acceptable behaviour and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t sort himself out. For instance you might tell him you feel for him that it’s a difficult time of year and this news may have caused him to feel very stressed, but you won’t let your children be exposed to behaviour like that or let him risk your children being in your care, and if you see it again he’ll be asked to move out with no guarantees he could earn your trust back to come home. I’d tell him it’s on him to seek support with how to cope better but you’ll support him if that’s what he wants.

I absolutely wish OP and her family the best and hope they get the help they need. Sadly, I don't think adding another child and the pressure that will bring to the mix could have any positive outcome.

i came on here to say exactly this, OP.

Blimey, my doctor was telling me today that the implant is over 99.9% effective unless taking certain medications or antibiotics which might not cause it work properly. I’ll rethink that!

You have tried hard, it isn’t your fault contraception failed. If he doesn’t want another child he should also take responsibility and have the snip and be tested afterwards to be sure he isn’t fertile.

That was really unnecessary imagery, shame on you. Also, they were using contraception. Please remove your post.

Wait... you were actually trying to conceive? At just 18 years old? Unmarried, a teenager and basically a child yourself, and you were actually deliberately planning to get pregnant? I'm sorry but something has gone very wrong with your care when not only were you allowed to keep a child at 15, but then thought it was a good idea to try for another one? That is beyond irresponsible. The mature, responsible thing to do would be to terminate. And then get on strong, good contraception. And preferably leave your 'D' partner. You are in a dysfunctional relationship with a violent and unstable man and your 2 children that didn't ask to be born deserve better than living in that atmosphere. You have no business having children at 15, and having a third at 20. That's disgusting, sorry but it is. Please give proper care to the 2 you already have, especially as they are being brought up in an unstable and violent home. Please, please don't bring another kid into this mess. Please.

In your situation, three small children at 20 and 21 sounds too much for your partner - I mean it sounds a lot for anybody but in your circumstances it seems just too much. And for you, it might not be his fault, but I imagine you take a lot of the daily load. Is a third child something you want or will it wreck your current life? You might well end up with three children on your own. Children also don't automatically launch at 18 after a stress free schooling - teenagers are even more needy in many ways than small children and much more expensive. I think I'd be doubling up on contraception in future because it sounds like you were very unlucky with the implant failing.

I see why you’re finding it hard to feel sympathy. My partner punched a sofa once (not related to me and it was certainly an anger inducing moment). Turns out it was a sofa bed with a metal frame.

I did struggle with the sympathy initially (I was angry myself he had self injured himself out of work!). But did felt very sorry for him in the end because hand injuries are really not good. There’s a chance this affects him for years if not forever and worst case he may not be able to work scaffold.

You need to get this fixed and see what the doctors say. The pregnancy your decision but personally I wouldn’t go for 3.

Why should she get sterilised? It's far more invasive for a woman. She's very young. And overriding all those factors - HE is the one who doesn't want more kids. He's happy to participate in their creation though - this ain't on her.