Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

Fair enough, this child wasn't planned. But:

he said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

Sorry but considering you aren't anti abortion I find this really selfish of you

So what if he got help?
He has just told OP in no uncertain terms: he doesn't want another child.

You don’t have to be anti abortion to consider that you’d be unable to terminate a pregnancy.

Really tough on both of you. I don’t excuse his behaviour. Do either of you have a support network? Like does he get to spend time with other men, who have been through life struggles and you, do you have someone who is mature and you can chat with and ya know, talk stuff through ?
I don’t want to be patronising, if you have both grown up in care I understand it’s not the most stable emotional environment.
I know life is pretty much crap for most of us at times, just you both so young and maybe hoping you have good sound support?
Yes you right not to feel
sympathetic forwards him at the same time. Hitting out at walls, doors is a
sign or one step away from uncontrolled anger, next time it maybe someone who gets punched.

Your husband is telling you loud and clear that he can’t handle another child. He needs help as is with the two. Focus on him and your existing children. Having another one would be very selfish.

Get him- or you to contact the lighthouse charity- theyre AMAZING!! they’re the only charity that helps men (and women) within the construction industry.
they might be able to help with his depression but also the lack of wages over the next few weeks.
lighthousecharity.org

If you aren't antiabortion and you have a partner you love who has clearly told you they do not want a child, and who is self harming out of frustration at not being heard, and you already have a few kids, I think morally there really is no question here

In that case, let him calm down and then discuss, it's no one's fault, it's just one of those things that can happen when you have sex. I do think you need to hear him out regarding an abortion and look at things practically. It's clearly distressing for him, but I'm sure an abortion would be distressing for you too, and he needs to understand that and show some empathy for you too.

You've only just found out your pregnant, and some posters seem to think you should already be on board with an abortion as if it's that easy for everyone. Take some time, think logically and talk it through. Good luck OP, its a really difficult situation to be in.

I'm sick to death of people like you, not really thinking of the kids at all....these poor kids will grow up likely to have emotional issues all of their own.

I've never tolerated people who punch walls, throw things, name call etc it's all designed to control you and keep you quiet. There is never a second chance with me when those things are involved.

You have a young family. You need to know what your behavioural line is, as escalation to physical abuse typically happens over a period of time which is littered with incidents like these when you look back.

Are you going to wait for him to smash things again? This is the first time but I bet it won't be the last time.

I wouldn't be with someone who punched something in such a rage that his hand is now broken.

What a great resource to share. Hopefully the OP can get the support her family needs.

He is struggling and needs help. Not the environment for another baby at all. Too much, too young.

I think you are both doing well given the difficulties you’ve faced in life. He did wrong but I think you need to show him love and kindness now. I think I would seriously consider a termination now. You, your partner and your two children deserve some quality of life. Scaffolding is hard graft.

The jump from 2 to 3 is huge. I had 2 year age gap with my 3 and it nearly broken my marriage with number 3.

You need to think seriously and hard about a 3rd child

YANBU. However- I agree with pp that three kids is a lot; and you’re both very very young. It’s a lot on your plate for both of you. He seems like he already has a lot to work on and is not ready for so much. I think if you go ahead with baby, be prepared to do a lot yourself; and give him the space for counselling etc that he very clearly needs.

That does not remove all responsibility from him.. but more a consideration for you because likelyhood is you will end up doing this alone given your ages; could you manage 3 kids? Ive only had one because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay sane! Especially not if I found myself a single parent. He should’ve been using protection if he didn’t want another baby!!!

I don't feel sorry for him. It's violence and intimidation. No excuse.

Darling you are 20 years old only, is that right? You may have been through a lot but you are very young and haven’t had much time to get to know yourself…

Feeling numb to it all worries me…bringing a third child is a lot of pressure on you both? Please may I gently ask whether you will be able to provide for this child? Will you have room? Will you get maternity leave through your work? Do you have any savings to see you through maternity leave. Does your partner work? Take care x

It's too much for him and he's not coping. Should he have punched the worktop? Of course not and he needs to seek help for his anger but I don't think bringing another child into this situation is wise at all. Take care of yourself

Appreciate the replies – I knew I’d get a bit of a kicking posting on here but I wanted honest takes so fair enough.

Just to clear something up – he was actually in a good place after our eldest was born. That was honestly a turning point for him. He got on meds, started working again, really stepped up and we were stable. When we were TTC our second, things were really good. The youngest is 18 months now and that first year with two kids actually went better than I expected, I think because we were in a routine and he was doing well. The anniversary of his dad’s death is always a tough patch for him and I probably should’ve expected this time of year to hit him hard.

He sees his uncle and cousin quite a bit and they’re close. His uncle’s been more like a proper dad figure to him. He’s also in touch with his grandparents but it’s very rocky. They’re older and he wouldn’t ever talk to them about his mental health – he wouldn’t want to upset them or come across like he’s not coping.

I’ve got a couple of mates through work but we’re not super close. It’s mainly me and him dealing with everything and I think that’s part of the problem. We don’t really have that wider support net like some people do.

I get what people are saying about the anger – I’m not brushing it off. I was scared when he punched the worktop. He didn’t aim it at me or say anything threatening, but it still made me think “what if next time?” That’s why I came here, I need to figure out what this means long term.

I wouldn’t feel sorry for him either, what a thug. Make sure your children are safe if you’re going to stay with him. Which you shouldn’t.

Surely that’s another reason not to have another child?

He needs to grow up. And 3 kids at 20! … start taking birth control.

Third child at twenty. This is enough to stress anybody out. Especially with your difficult backgrounds

Choosing to have sex without a condom when you know you are fertile and couldn't cope with another child is very selfish. Trying to push your girlfriend into an abortion she's not sure she wants is very selfish. Being violent in front of your girlfriend when she doesn't allow you to control her body is very selfish.