Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

Of course it's excusing him. When does he become responsible for his own actions and his past not be used as an excuse for his behaviour?

OP is 20, also grew up in care and I'm assuming hasn't managed to break her hand in temper. My empathy is with her and the children.

Hello,
would either or both you reach out to the Care Leavers Association. There is a men’s group for male care leavers. There is also support for parents who are care leavers. This is a small charity run by care leavers for care leavers. You would both be able to access advice, guidance and support. It is a way of connecting with others who are care experienced. It can help in all manner of ways just to be around those who do not judge and understand the additional pressures of navigating the world as a care leaver.
www.careleavers.com

This.

And this again. I whole-heartedly agree.

I think you're getting a rough time here OP. Everyone is fixated on your age instead of your question. If you added 10 years to your ages would people respond differently. Everyone assumes that young parents are awful when it's not true.
I've come across terrible older parents too who shouldn't have carried on having babies.

He's got alot going on mentally and now so have you. However this does need to be a joint decision. Is it possible to sit down together without the children and talk it through? Or arrange some counselling together to be able to have a third person to keep the conversation controlled. If this is the first time he has had an outburst I wouldn't be concerned about yourself but I would for him.
If he is absolutely against it I would consider his wishes.

I have 3 children myself and a third does seem to tip the balance.

Having another baby is a life-time's commitment. It's not something you say "oh sorry mate, you'll just have to suck it up because it's what I WANT".

She also needs to be responsible for her own actions which is being realistic about what an extra child will do the whole family on a whole range of levels.

Right now she's just thinking of herself. She's being selfish.

And this.

I think he’s crying out for help in all honesty.

Not sure of your finances, but I would recommend you contact an organisation called Beacon House. They work with children and adults that have been through the care system - dealing with the trauma this often brings, and they also have some therapists that have a background in perinatal care for trauma sufferers (help you manage your emotions when you have your own children).

I think they both need support.
Bringing a baby into this situation/environment doesn’t seem like the wisest choice. To some extent, I do feel for men as the decision is totally out of their hands. Sounds like he was venting built up frustration and powerlessness. Often men with depression/anxiety present with these kind of behaviours, but are then shamed.

OP do you want to have the baby? There are lots of other issues at play here but do you want to keep the baby? Because the decision really is yours as the person carrying the baby. What happens after this will depend on the choice you make.

This. I feel very sorry for him and the two children you already have OP. You are both far too young for any of this especially with your care backgrounds. You need to listen to him, before he actually does kill himself. Babies having babies. Very sad.

and it isn't something you have a tantrum about when your partner doesn't immediately jump because you say so.

A discussion needs to happen without childish tantrums and he does need to accept that it is OP's body and she does have the final decision as OP may also need to accept that having the baby may mean the end of the relationship and becoming a single parent to 3 kids.

This sounds good ⬆️

FFS, she's only just found out she's pregnant, and her instinct is to not have an abortion. Give her a fucking chance before you judge her as selfish, she's allowed her own feelings and emotions. He punched a kitchen counter, I dont see OP reacting so violently, but she's not even allowed to voice her feelings? Getting an abortion is not an easy choice for everyone.

This is despicable. The OP has said she really doesn't feel she could go through with it. The OP has said this was the cause of the argument with her partner. When on earth did it become so ok to coerce women into having abortions? To shame them as poor parents for not considering the older two children. Because people lose their minds on threads where a woman says she would like an abortion and someone suggests she reconsider. The OP has been clear, she can make her own mind up without Internet strangers who won't live the lifetime that comes after whatever decision is made.

OP for what it is worth, it sounds like you've both had very challenging starts in life, but that you're making an excellent go of it and it sounds like you have an otherwise solid and lovely family.

Look his dad died by suicide when he was 8, you had a presumably unplanned pregnancy when he was 15 which led to him attempting suicide, and you thought the anniversary of his dad’s suicide was a good time to tell him you are pregnant again unplanned. Multiple triggers there for someone who doesn’t have the securest of support systems anyway having grown up in care and that’s leaving aside any financial pressures having 3 under 5 will present when he will be 22 and presumably not earning much and I doubt you’ve also got much of a work history either.

I think the guy needs A LOT of support here. More than you if I’m honest. You can choose whether to keep the child or not but he has to live with the consequences of your decision when he clearly can’t cope with that level of pressure. He didn’t hit you, he self harmed in acute distress. It’s up to you whether you support him or not but if he does the same as his dad you’ll be left with 3 young kids on your own. Is that what you really want?

Quite. Morally, it's her body, her choice and no amount of shouting, crying, violence, self harm or other means to try and coerce her to obey his wishes is of any relevance to her decision.

I would say its important to recognise that irregardless of the reason behind it, his behaviour in that moment was abusive. Smashing and punching things in someone's vicinity is assault even if they don't actually touch you. So it's important you both realise that he's been abusive towards you. I think the thing now is whether or not he steps up to deal with it. He needs to hold himself fully accountable. He needs to acknowledge that the stress and emotional pressure he's under is not an excuse to act in this way around you or anyone else. He needs to get himself to ongoing therapy and commit to doing the work and really look at communication and emotional regulation.

I think it's also really important to say OP that it would be very understandable if you left him over this. For me this would be a major, major red flag and you need to be very careful that you don't get so caught up in what's going on for him emotionally that you end up losing sight of the behaviour which is very concerning. Its important to support a partner who's having a hard time, but not to excuse them - you each still need to be accountable to one another and even if he's having a hard time this is his fuck up to fix. Temptation will be to rescue him out of it because of his family history and mental health history but if you do that, you're sending the message that it's ok with you if he lashes out when he's struggling. This can never ever happen again.

I think you need to seriously consider your options if you can continue with the pregnancy without him and end the relationship. Unfortunately he's very clearly demonstrated that he's not in the place where he can deal with another child so it really comes down to whether you can feel at peace with a termination or whether you need to end the relationship and continue the pregnancy without him. What you cannot do, is just continue as you are because your existing kids need stability and security which means two stable and secure parents.

You have options op but you need to put your children and yourself first - it's his job to step up and show that with actions not words. Would it help to take space from each other to have a chance to really think about what you want and need.

Has he ever shown abusive/ manipulative/ gaslighting tendencies in the past? If he has genuinely never ever been in any way abusive/controlling before now then couples counselling/mediation might be an option but I'm hesitant to suggest it because he's acted abusively towards you now.

Dreadful thing to say.

Yes, I've noticed this happens all the time with very little pushback.

@User29482 I don't know where you are, but my local council continue to provide support for care leavers up to age 25. Leaving aside all the bickering and finger pointing in many directions this thread has provoked, I would make contact with your personal adviser there and work through all the issues your current situation presents. They will be able to help unpick everything, armed with more detailed knowledge of both of you and your backgrounds than will ever come across on MN, where people make a snap judgement of entire personalities and relationships based on a few lines with their own spin laid over the top.

If you have a termination just because he doesn't want another one yet , and you want to keep it , I think the relationship will not survive.
But this is not a healthy environment to bring a child into and will add more pressure.
If you decide to keep this baby then I would get sterilised after and agree with him that this is what you will do.
You need to wait until you are both calm before talking through your options , so maybe wait until the anniversary has passed.
You need your children to have a stable home environment and to not have the upbringing that you both had.
I wish you both so much luck for your future.

It’s really not. They are far too young, the statistics of young men taking their own lives say it all. They really need to look after each other.