Partner broke his hand during row over pregnancy - AIBU to not feel sorry for him?

[User29482]

Bit of a long one soz. Me (20) and DP (21) both grew up in care. He was taken into care after his dad died by suicide when he was around 7 or 8. He’s had grief counselling when he was a kid and again in his teens, but he still struggles a lot, esp around this time of year. Tomorrow’s actually the anniversary of his dad’s death so he’s already been on edge and a bit all over the place.

He tried to take his own life when I was pregnant with our eldest (he’s 4 now) so it’s something that’s always there in the background. He’s on antidepressants now, he’s working, helps loads with the kids and is a good dad. Things are normally decent between us, we argue like anyone else but we’re solid.

We’ve also got an 18 month old and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again. Not planned. I told him and he freaked a bit, said it’s too soon and he doesn’t want another one yet. He said I should have a termination but I honestly don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m not anti-abortion at all, just don’t know if I can.

We had a row about it last night after the kids were asleep. He got really wound up and ended up chucking his phone across the kitchen and punching the worktop. He’s never been violent towards me and hasn’t smashed stuff before either. He used to get into fights when he was younger but hasn’t been like that for years. I just left him to it and went to bed cos it felt like too much.

This morning I came back from dropping the kids off and he was sat on the sofa holding his hand. Took him to A&E and turns out he’s actually broken it. They said he might need surgery depending on how it heals. He’s been going on about how painful it is and I know it’s bad timing with the anniversary tomorrow and everything but honestly I just feel numb to it. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. Like… you punched a kitchen counter mate what did you think was gonna happen?

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?

OP has said she has the implant in, they weren’t having unprotected sex.

And you could equally argue that having a 3rd child at just 20 when as a family things aren’t great is also a selfish decision. A baby isn’t a decision only one person can make unless that person is proposing to go it alone.

The violence though is inexcusable, I would be gone the first time my husband did this, I wouldn’t be hanging around to find out when it became my face rather than the bench

You were 15 when you got pregnant with your first? And he was 16? You’ve done incredibly well to keep both dc, but having a 3rd is too much. Being so young, you can’t be earning huge amounts. You need to make a decision and whatever you decide, your contraception needs to be better in future.

I didn't think I needed to state that the husband is a muppet as everyone else in the thread already did. She did have an implant for BC. But the other two yes- he was very selfish.

And again, louder for anyone at the back!

Long term, bloody hell, stop having more children.

@User29482 I don't have advice but you sound very mature and articulate. Just being 20 doesn't mean you are irresponsible, no matter what some of the replies seem to suggest.

I think that for two very young people, you've been through an awful lot. I do think that a third child is maybe pushing it at this stage. If he can't cope, he can't cope. I'd have thought financially too, it's a hell of a burden.

You have years ahead of you. You obviously care a lot about each other and it sounds like you're great parents. But sometimes there's a limit to what you can take on.

I've just yelled at the fridge after a very demanding shift at work so can't really judge your partner on his outburst. Just keep an eye on there.

Are you using contraception?? I'm not surprised he's stressed at the thought of a 3rd though, no sympathy for punching and breaking his hand

Please re-read my comment, it wasnt that long. I said sex without a condom - men have a responsibility for their own fertility especially when they don't want a child. And hormonal contraceptives typically only have about a 90-95% success rate in real life - no one should be gambling on that if they really can't cope with another child.

A baby absolutely is a decision only one person can make. When a foetus has been created it is solely the pregnant woman's choice. The OP's partner had the choice to further minimise the risk of conception by using condoms. He chose not to. He now doesn't get to choose an abortion for his partner.

Agreed on the violence.

And what a weird thing to say to a complete stranger. Reflects more on you than me, presuming to know more than you possibly can on the information given.

You were suggesting the OP was selfish but ignored her partner's selfish behaviour. An implant (or any other type of hormonal contraceptive) is not enough if a person truly does not want and could not cope with a child. A man not using a condom but then trying to pressure his partner into an abortion is an incredibly selfish person. The risks of failure of contraceptives can be found with 10 seconds on Google, there is no excuse not to know it.

This.

I'd also say that with a parent who died by suicide and a previous suicide attempt already, your partner is statistically very vulnerable.

He is telling you he can't cope. You should listen.

Now I feel guilty for not having sympathy, I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I know he’s struggling, but still. AIBU to be a bit like “well that’s on you”?
@User29482

YANBU, your feelings are healthy and normal.

But you need to leave this man. It's irrelevant that he's struggling, irrelevant that there are understandable reasons based on background in care. Irrelevant that he's not actually hitting you yet. What's relevant is that he has violent urges he can't control, and the effect of violent behaviour around very young children. It's really really scary and disturbing, and leads to them then having long term issues. Don't inflict this on your babies, please.

You need to protect them and protect yourself.

@User29482 so you had your first child at 16, actively ttc your second at 18 and now pregnant with your third at 20?

do you work ? Have your own home? Have any qualifications? Your poor partner , it must be overwhelming, potentially 3 kids at 21 and limited family
support.

You’ve ’never tolerated people who have ……….’ Bully for you.
Im not excusing him but he punched a worktop, not a person, didn’t kick the cat, the only person he physically hurt was himself.
Hes 21, holding down a job , supporting OP and two kids after his Dad killed himself when he was a small child and he grew up in care.
And you condemn him in a patronising manner saying it’s ‘designed to control and keep you quiet’!!
He’s 21 ffs!! He wasn’t trying to ‘control and keep her quiet’! He’s clearly stressed, anxious and frustrated and at 21 his brain hasn’t even finished maturing yet.
Where is your empathy for him??
He’s already tried to commit suicide once (incidentally, children who loose a parent to suicide are much more likely to kill them selves than one who hasn’t).

OP - if you are not anti abortion then you seriously need to think long and hard before continuing this pregnancy.
Better for your two children to have a dad than have three children without one. Three children by the time you are 20 is a massive strain on your relationship and he clearly cannot cope with more children .
You both will have issues you need to work through with counselling & support plus you have two little ones to look after already.
Think about this sensibly - and for goodness sake speak to your GP about contraception or you will end up with 6 kids at 25 at this rate.

OP stated they were on the implant which has failed them.
If a 3rd was so awful as to warrant this reaction, he ought to have (and to) consider the snip. He seems otherwise at ease with medical procedures as a solution for unplanned pregnancies.

You’re focused on OPs husband’s past behavior, I’m focused on OP’s future behavior. Both important topics. I never claimed to be covering every possible side of the issue. I tend to be a look forward type of person and we are two different people. I agreed with your thoughts on the husband, please stop responding to me now, thanks.

I agree with this. It shows maturity.

You are right, once again his actions have consequences. Stay a bit detached and don't get drawn in too far. He needs further input and counselling though by the sounds of it.

Stop having babies!

You've both been in care - what kind of life do you want for your children? It is clear to everyone else that he is not emotionally stable!

We have 3 children, the 3rd was unexpected. It's been hard, I'm sure you would love any child you conceive but the fact is you're only 20 and already have two young children. Your oh currently can't work, I'm assuming you don't work and it sounds like there's enough issues as it is relating to the trauma you both went through as children.

Are you thinking ahead? School uniforms are expensive, it's another mouth to feed and will mean less time for the two you already have. Do you have enough space? We are struggling to find a bigger house to rent and have our 3rd still in our bedroom with us.
I've no doubt you have enough love to give but can you truly provide for another?
They don't stay babies....everything gets more expensive as they grow !

You need to think practically and about the amount of strain a 3rd child could put on your relationship.

Poor kids being raised by kids… no wonder he’s overwhelmed

I don't understand why you think the children aren't well cared for. Nothing in the OPs posts suggest this. You're quite obviously being judgemental based on the OPs age and background, which you should be ashamed of.
Your attitude won't help the OP or the kids. Hypocrite.

I think you need to listen to him. He can’t cope with another kid. Look after the ones you’ve got.

YANBU but neither is he. It sounds like despite an incredibly rough time he’s currently doing ok, and a 3rd unplanned baby could well ruin all that for him, and he doesn’t get a say in it. That must be incredibly tough for him. I’m not saying he should get a say, but you’ve both been foolish to allow this to happen, and you need to think about what it could be like to raise 3 kids on your own at such a young age, can you give them everything they need and deserve really?

Equally forcing someone to have a child they don't want isn't right either.

I think the OP is being unfair here.

She's got a partner who has tried to kill himself.

And yet she's more interested in creating another life than keeping him alive so the other kids actually DO HAVE A FATHER. Rather than all 3 without a dad, without a second income.

Sorry OP but I think saying you're just going ahead and it's for him to deal with isn't fair.

He thought he was in the clear, you are handling the contraception. Whether or not it should be all on the woman to handle this is another question - but he hasn't been irresponsible. Neither of have you been.

I don't think you get an exclusive choice on this - even though of course you do, because it's your body, but taking away that control and choice from him is poor form. You haven't really given him a choice, just told him that it's probably going to be baby number 3.

I don't have great mental health. A third baby would have obliterated me.

He's lashing out because he feels out of his depth. When people get angry it's because they don't feel heard.

I'll probably get shouted at a lot now on here by people telling me I'm wrong. That he's wrong etc.

I don't see why you'd ignore someone who is cracking and be so blank about it. Especially with his history.

Yes he's stupid to have lashed out but you also didn't listen to him. You just made a choice for both of you.