No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

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Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

Honestly? We just accepted it and got on with it. Paid nursery workers to babysit for the very odd night out. Took it turns at weekends to have a lie in and just accepted there were no nights away or weekends off.

its hard and exhausting but we’re through it now and you will survive. I also feel zero guilt that my brother (lives closer to my parents) does all the practical stuff for them now they’re elderly.

We just had to crack on, we don’t live near family so even if they wanted to they couldn’t help. We are also older than you so yup hard. Also in-laws have similar aged grandkids, I wouldn’t expect them to be babysitting under fives it’s bloody hard.

However no-one is owed childcare, it’s a nice bonus but you need to let go of the feeling of resentment here. I’m slightly wistful about it sometimes but I had DC knowing there was no-one to call on so sucked it up.

as someone who has a similar situation. Ils help with dns all time but we have very little help. You just have to accept it. It does get easier.

We never had any grandparent help at all , and in all honesty we just got on with it and accepted that nights out etc weren’t going to happen . When they got a bit older we occasionally paid a teenage babysitter , but mostly we didn’t really think much about it.

We used to have an au pair so I can’t suggest much else if you don’t want that. There is a limit to what they can do, but they often give the gift of flexibility.

Some nursery days even when/ if you’re at home?

(in our case, au pairs were on top of nursery as both worked full time and no family local)

I just got married and won't have a single night away for a honeymoon. 2 kids and one is disabled. If I spent all day thinking about it I'd be divorced and have split custody. Its the only way ill ever get a break.
We hire private help but that's usually for a couple hours one weekend day Every now ane again. We take turns to lie in at weekends

It is a bonus if you get some family help with children but not a given. My mum was my age,60, when I had my oldest and I knew beforehand that I couldn't ask for help and wouldn't have wanted it as she had had six children and done her time(with no help). I have my dgd a lot but am still working full-time but I am healthy and live 10 mins away and my dd has to work away often. Perhaps you don't understand what's possible or desirable at 70, it is a LOT to ask and definitely don't move nearer to get help only to give help. My mum died at 63, you don't know what the future holds.

By the time my kids arrived I’d had all the parties I could ever want.
I do know how you feel as I lost my mum young and she’d have been a great Nanny.
as it turned out my sister stepped up and when I did need help she was there.
if your sil is close that maybe the answer.
And maybe you could give the 16 year old a bit of pocket money ti baby sit if the logistic work.

I've just made my peace with it, it is all you can do. No good comparing or wondering why.
We don't have help with DD and never will, so I probably won't have a second based on a lack of support network. It's sad when I see others with so many offer of help, but nothing I can do would change it.
DH and I give each other breaks, and have accepted we won't have time me and him for many years.

Could've written this myself. DH and I just have to swallow our feelings and get on with life. It's hard, but as pp have said, it does get easier.

You have my sympathies.
My PiL lived about 6 hours away, they were lovely when we visited, but only came to us once a year and so didn't really know DC that well and MiL died not long after youngest was born.
My Mum lived nearby, and was great for short babysitting, eg while I went to an evening class, or helping with childcare when they were unwell, but only once had them overnight, and then turned up on the doorstep at 8am shouting at me, so I didn't even get a lie-in on that one occasion! After that, we sometimes swapped children with friends for the odd overnight sleepover, or got a babysitter, or took the DC with us. I did sometimes compare myself to friends whose parents would have their kids for weekends or even whole weeks, but that just made me feel worse.
Going forwards, I think you just have to resign yourself to no overnights without the DC unless DH's family are willing to help. The 16 year old is probably too young to be responsible for an overnight at the moment, but it might be worth getting them to babysit for the evening now, building up to overnights in a few years time.

I have definitely accepted it and swallowed it but this weekend just hit me hard seeing someone’s parents fly in from the other side of the world and being summoned from their hotel at 6.30am to help. I couldn’t believe it. That same couple hit a festival yetsedsay while PIL babysat their DCs. The couple at Glastonbury for 5 days have 3 DCs (3-7years) and I do believe people when they say it gets easier but I guess it doesn’t matter if mine are 2 or 10, no one is available to have them unless paid. So we don’t go away until they’re old enough for sleepovers and school trips I guess? But even then surely we need to be close by in case something goes wrong.

I didn’t have any help either. Just accept that you won’t from family - don’t get worked up about what they did for other members it’s irrelevant.
We used a friends nanny for the odd weekend stay. Regular babysitters - the vicar’s teenage DD, a couple of friends teenagers looking for some extra money. Why not hit up your niece?
But mostly it was just me (and certainly after my DH passed away when the kids were 4 and 6). I also entertained at my house after the kids were in bed.

PIL were much younger when mine were small but were still running a business when DS1 was small and only ever had them over night once each when they were about 5/6, never as babies or toddlers. DM dead. DF and DSM have done occasional babysitting, but we relied on nursery staff for babysitting and had no lie ins. Our DC came on every trip and holiday we both went on. I got an occasional break via work trips. Some of these were student field trips so instead of my DC I had 30 students with me. DH went to his mate’s wedding in Australia and stayed on for a couple of weeks. That’s it.

You just have to crack on I'm afraid

Lots of us managed it as lone parents with no family support. Its also a million times harder with disabled children.

You'll get used to it. It does get easier I promise.

Likewise. Also just had to accept it. It is part of life and complete luck of the draw I am afraid. Better just to crack on and put in place as much as you can afford in terms of outsourcing and wait for the kids to grow up a bit so you can do swaps with other parents and sleepovers and so on.

For what it is worth, I don't regret not having had the wrap around stuff from family. Yes it would have made life easier but it wasn't a hardship doing without.

i mean it’s a choice you made - you could have had no children or stayed at one child.

this is the consequence of that choice.

I never had family support. My parents were older by the time I had dd and had health issues involving lots of hospital appointments. Tbh dh and I didn't have dd for our parents to look after her. We just juggled childcare between us. Most of my friends were the same. Only one has a mum who lived down the road but she didn't want to ask too often as felt her mum needed to enjoy her retirement. You just accept it and juggle or change jobs to suit.

Get paid childcare.

You knew the situation when you chose to have kids. Your mom is not fit and your inlaws are past it and done with caring for a baby and a toddler. They've aged out.

You can look at others and be jealous and resentful but that doesn't help you. Deal with it and set up paid childcare and sitters.

All very true. It does suck. I'd love to go abroad with DH and leave the DC with family, but it'll never happen. Sucks. I used to get really upset when I heard about the gushing grandparents, but am at peace with it now. It feels like more of a fact of life.

It does suck and most people do have a lot more family support. I remember vividly our removals company saying "well, with kids this age, people just leave them with the grandparents for the weekend" - yeah because we were moving house with a baby and toddler with us completely out of choice!

Most people don't understand it. I can't tell you the number of times people have said "oh it is tough, isn't it? My parents only have them for a couple of weeks a year" - I would love to have one weekend with DH without the kids but it's not going to happen until they are much older.

Having said that, PP are right that all you can really do about it is get on with it.

We use a lot of different types of paid childcare:

Babysitters for the odd evening out

Day off when they are both at nursery/school - or something shorter, both had a quiet WFH day today so had a nice lunch out together

When they are old enough, we plan to send them to summer camp

We don't have family support either and can't see us having a night without the kids for a long while. My advice is stick with two, I don't think big families are a good idea without support.

I don't know what your work plans are but it's really important to not compare yourself with parents that have family childcare at the drop of a hat. You aren't less capable, just working with different rules.

I think the ages you have does make it much harder. We get help from my parents with DS (who's 5) now and a bit when he was younger, but my parents would never have been able to cope with a 3 and 9 mth old at the same time so if we'd had two kids that would have been out the window! What about your BIL etc if they have kids they may be an option when yours are a bit older perhaps? We've never had help from my husband's family but now DS is 5 they have actually offered to have him for a day, I nearly fell off my chair lol

Also - if you have them in daytime childcare like nursery then both take the odd day off to spend together while they're at nursery, it is a nice way to get some grown up time!

We had to just get on with zero help and make a mental note to treat our kids differently, when they have kids, and help them out.