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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

190 replies

tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 13:32

Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/06/2025 19:06

I’ve already commented up thread with suggestions but I just wanted to add, what would have helped me more would have been a decent spouse who actually did their bit. Much more of an advantage than gp support.

I am divorced now (perhaps obviously!).

So if you have a decent spouse you’re already one up on many. I’d rather have a decent spouse without wider support than family local (I think) because the spouse is, or should be, in it with you. The family are limited in what they could or should do. Both would obviously be the dream. I have neither (although my family and exh’s family did help where they could whilst not being local)

Energywise · 30/06/2025 19:09

outerspacepotato · 30/06/2025 14:16

Get paid childcare.

You knew the situation when you chose to have kids. Your mom is not fit and your inlaws are past it and done with caring for a baby and a toddler. They've aged out.

You can look at others and be jealous and resentful but that doesn't help you. Deal with it and set up paid childcare and sitters.

This. Also expecting mid 70yr olds to take care of a 9mo and 3yo is madness not to mention selfish.
those ages are the worst for the amount of physical and exhausting time, so you really can’t expect practical help.
what does everyone else’s parents have to do with you? You’re just wasting energy worrying over something you can’t change. You need to pay for childcare.
we are in the same position but we have a nanny.

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2025 19:10

YellowCamperVan · 30/06/2025 17:19

I think in this day and age where people tend to move away to set up a life, it's more common to have no local support than to have it. Best thing to do is to accept it and take pride in it. You chose to have these kids, so it's your responsibility to care for and provide for them.

We live 1-2hr away from all family and have never had or expected any help from anybody, it's tough at times (mostly when everyone is really unwell) but in general I do feel a sense of pride knowing that we're doing it ourselves. I have seen the odd friend with super involved family and it can be helpful in some ways but awful in others. When people pitch in they often expect an equal say or there are strings attached, seen lots of conflict when people are offering childcare and then their expectations in return aren't met. It feels more peaceful and more simple in some ways knowing that it's on us, no unmet expectations or resentment.

We haven't had a night together alone since I gave birth lol. And it's fine. We chose to stop at one because two would have sent us under I think without any support. Did you get a lot of support with the first and then choose to add a second and it disappeared? Or was there a reason you went for two without support?

We live 1-2hr away from all family and have never had or expected any help from anybody, it's tough at times (mostly when everyone is really unwell) but in general I do feel a sense of pride knowing that we're doing it ourselves. I have seen the odd friend with super involved family and it can be helpful in some ways but awful in others. When people pitch in they often expect an equal say or there are strings attached, seen lots of conflict when people are offering childcare and then their expectations in return aren't met. It feels more peaceful and more simple in some ways knowing that it's on us, no unmet expectations or resentment.

Agree with this and same when it comes to pride.

My parents are in the States and my in-laws are 5 hours away on a good day. My in-laws have done 14 years of childcare for their daughter and when they haven’t been available, her MIL has stepped in. Her children (DS 14, DD 10) are the only grandchildren on their father’s side while MIL and FIL have seven. FIL calls his oldest grandson, their fourth child because he is there so much, his words.

They come and visit us twice a year for our children’s birthdays and every visit they moan about the childcare they provide and their daughter’s husband to DH. There have also been arguments of overstepping but not sure what SIL expected considering they’re there most of the week and have their own rooms there. They have never offered to take ours for a few hours. DH has always had to ask and I leave him to do so because why would I ask when they moan about the childcare they do give.

The kicker, MIL has compared her and I and how she knows what it’s like and my DH has told me quite the opposite and that he spent lots of time with other family members and his parents went out all the time. Her family live minutes away and she has always had support.

My mother had the same level of support that my SIL had with her parents but her parents both worked and my father also had family who could help.

I, myself, would have never wanted the level of childcare that they had nor been comfortable with it especially due to the level of input that would come with it. It would be nice to go on a date night once a month instead of twice a year but it is what it is. I know what it’s like to have little support and know I’m fine with it and can manage. I’m glad I know how to handle that then going from having a lot of support and then losing it.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 19:10

MigGril · 30/06/2025 17:13

We didn't have any help either. I was concerned that they wouldn't be confident to be left with anyone as they got older. So enrolled them in scouts (your oldest can join squirals in a year at 4). This has been fantastic, for us getting the odd break and for the kids confidence. Neither of my kids where phase at going on school residential in primary as they had already done camping away from home. And as your two are closer in age you will get some camps where they are away together. Even my two who are 4 years apart have done this as they will do mixed section camps. For example cubs and scouts together.

When the kids where little we either had to pay babysitters or swap favours with friends, so we didn't go out often. I can also understand how hard it is with the travelling to relatives DH family are only an hour away but DD would get bad car sickness and it was never easy and despite them being young grandparents (in their early 50's when DD was born) they wouldn't come to us for some reason. My dad is 4 hours away so we have never seen them often.

This sounds something the kids would really enjoy and not far away at all! The friends swapping I feel might come around the same time (school age). I would have loved to go to brownies as a child, asked to in fact, the challenge having an alcoholic mother is the smallest tasks are a tall order. She didn’t like getting out of bed unless it was for a drink. Definitely would love my DCs to enjoy this.

OP posts:
Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 19:10

We are the other side of this, what we have seen now is many of our friends that had the benefit of tons of help are now saddled with caring duties for their elderly parents and sandwiched with teens and jobs. We are now the ones flying off and have all of the freedom. Its definitely swings and roundabouts. We have no obligations.

wizzywig · 30/06/2025 19:12

Try using the Sitters service. They are national.

Fitasafiddle1 · 30/06/2025 19:13

Op I think you need counselling to deal with your lost childhood. You are understandably carrying a lot of unresolved pain of never having had a mother at all.

juneny · 30/06/2025 19:19

send them to a boarding school since you have the money

DeirdreDragon · 30/06/2025 19:28

It’s not an automatic right that when you have kids, you get support. You had them knowing the situation.

So now your choices are simple. Pay for help or suck it up. It won’t last forever.

LemonPresse · 30/06/2025 19:30

Friend swapping doesn’t have to wait until school age. Do you have a WhatsApp group with rhymetime/preschool/nursery parents? Why not suggest then set up a babysitting circle based on points, a point per hour?

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 19:39

cadburyegg · 30/06/2025 17:42

You have to adjust your mindset and expectations I think. I’m a single parent. I mean this is the nicest possible way but coming home to a messy house after a busy weekend and giving my kids something speedy for dinner is a regular occurrence for me. My house is messy most of the time. My kids eat quick meals all of the time. I used to feel guilty about these things, like I should be modelling home cooked meals and an immaculate house all of the time, but I no longer dwell on them, because that way leads disaster and feeling shit which is worse for my children than having toast for dinner. It’s taken me 2 months to decorate the smallest room in my house, it would probably take 2 people with no kids 2/3 days.

My mum helps me with 2 school pick ups a week, I’m very lucky, but I wouldn’t ask her to have them overnight now, it would be too much for her. My ex in laws aren’t in good enough health to help. I get time to myself when my ex has the kids, sure, but I don’t get any “couple” time, because if it’s taken me 2 months to decorate a bedroom I can’t see how I can justify carving out time to date or have a relationship.

You’re clearly exhausted, so here are some suggestions and tips:

  • carve out time to do something for you, hobby, meeting friends, don’t be ruled by the fact you’re a parent, have your own life too even if it’s away from your husband
  • Tag team on weekends, so if the toddler is being a nightmare then one of you takes them to the park or somewhere. If the baby is teething and being tricky then one of you takes baby for a walk. You can adapt all this as kids get older. 1:1 time with kids is SO good for them. It’s one thing I wish I could do more of and it’s something you can do, don’t feel like you have to spend all your time together as a family of 4.
  • pay a babysitter for date nights, this time of year is good to find a trusted one because uni students are coming home from the summer and want income. Try friends, Facebook groups, other parents for recommendations. My parents never had family support locally so I had a babysitter one night a week so they could go do their hobby together. It never did me any harm, and now I’m older I think, good for them.
  • Just seen you use nurseries, ask them if any of their staff are allowed to babysit (some don’t allow it), my ds1’s key worker used to babysit a lot including overnights, it was a great side hustle for her. When both kids are in nursery book the odd day off together and you can have a date day or even just lunch out somewhere. This kind of thing is much easier to do before they start school and you’re juggling school holidays
  • Tag team for lie ins on your non working days, so for example on Saturdays you get a lie in and then on Sunday your husband does.
  • Accept you are in the trenches, it’s very hard at those ages, a 2 year gap sounds very hard work to me but people I know who have that gap says it’s much easier as they get older. Things like overnight wakings and early mornings usually improve as children get older then you won’t crave the lie ins and help so much because you’ll be getting the sleep you need.
  • If you’ve had a really shit night and you’re exhausted you have to accept it. This sounds stupid but it’s something I had to learn, rather than fight it. You have to accept that won’t be firing on all cylinders every single day.
  • Accept that you can’t do certain things, I have to accept that I can’t date, go on weekends away, or commit to certain hobbies and social gatherings. I’ve lost friends and I’ve had to accept that too because I haven’t got the time to maintain loads of friendships. Even work things, there was an important work all day meeting (sounds worse than it actually is 🤣) a few weeks ago but I’d already booked the day off as it was a school inset day. I don’t think my boss was very happy but I obviously can’t reschedule it so they just had to accept it. Years ago I would have tied myself in knots and got myself stressed out trying to work out how I could go.

I hope you get some sleep soon!!

Incredible response. Thank you and I salute you as a single parent. You are in the best place to advise and you have taken the time to help with some actionable tips.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 19:47

Cynic17 · 30/06/2025 17:50

Don't you have friends, OP? Much better idea than relying on people in their 70s!

Oh we do. We spend most weekends with friends. That’s why I feel it’s easier than travelling and packing/unpacking and disrupting routines, plus poor DC1 being violently sick in the car. We are happy to go every so often but they get very upset not seeing them, say all the time how much they change and how they wished they lived closer and invite us up on repeat.

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 30/06/2025 19:47

If there’s a bil and sil with older kids why don’t they have them sometimes to stay over for a weekend and vice versa? Have you had their kids in the past before you had yours? That would be an option.

and yes it’s hard. I had no help and was a lone parent. It’s the seeing how others live compared to my life then and now that hurts.

My DCIs decades older than our DN’s and DN’s. But some of them we have been very hands on with having them stay for weeks at a time drinking hundreds of miles to collect drop them off and so on as we wanted to help. A couple of them are now mid 20s and 18ish and we’ve been dropped completely. None of their parents now see us, speak to us, include us in anything so we were there to help them out in the holidays and give them breaks for many years and now we’ve covered that for them they don’t want to know us. We are no longer planning on helping anyone ever again with anything.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 19:51

Grapewrath · 30/06/2025 17:54

Non of our parents bothered which was hard and hurtful with small children. They favoured my sisters kids and rarely made an effort with mine
Now they’re older and need help, I leave it up to DSis. My kids are grown and I did it without any support and I’m not beholden to elderly parents either. You reap what you sow.
OP I’d just get on with your life and lower your expectations- don’t make your life difficult by visiting these people

This thread has taught me that. We’ve missed out on the help and struggled through, by the time we are out of the trenches in 10 years PIL will be mid 80s and really needing help…. with two school children, no matter how near or far, we would be bottom of pile to support vs others with 18 and 15 year old or the eldest with 29 and 26 year olds.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 19:56

Siarli · 30/06/2025 17:55

Oh for goodness sake. You've got a partner, 2 young children . You are a family of 4 and you took on a dog. Yep OK, you look at other people..they've got parents who drop everything to be with their kids and Grandkids at a moments notice, they've maybe got more money, they have lush holidays, they've got a big house..You've got a dysfunctional family on your side and older in laws who feel they've done their bit. They're in their mid seventies, they were much younger when your older nieces and nephews were small. They are now older, tired, maybe with some health niggles, not so agile and no they don't want to drive into London for you to gallivant and have lost the confidence to do so. You shouldn't expect it. Your children are perfectly normal, celebrate them, be good parents, interact with them and put their needs first instead of worrying about all the other things you could do. You chose to have children! You could be on your own with a severely disabled child, no job no money no respite. You need to fez up! Leaving your 2 children for anything but a couple of hours with an inexperienced 16yr old is not an option. You talk of getting an au pair, do you follow the news? These youngsters from oversees cannot get visas to work here. Maybe you have to look at your mental health, things you can do when the children are in bed, interactions with other mums while your older child is in nursery school. Things you can do as a family rather than dumping your kids to do adult things. Im sorry, weve all been in your position. . .you could be storing up trouble if you don't change and be more proactive with your children. I've got Grandchildren, the ages of yours and I have to say their company is wonderful and we don't have issues . The elder boy has excellent behaviour and social skills because that's how they are raised, their parents are never looking for others to care for them because they are the centre of their universe, they take them everywhere but when we've looked after them at our home ..by our choice because we're getting on it's been easy.

Do you typically get wound up and dramatic over small things? Your response is quite uncalled for. We bought the dog years before we had kids. In fact I kicked the babies down the road to progress my career, so I had more funds to pay for childcare.

The challenge with jumping to conscious is you don’t have the facts and your wild imagination is often wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:06

HenDoNot · 30/06/2025 17:56

They are retired and as I say do plenty for BIL.

When your children get to age 8 and 6 you'll realise how unreasonable you're being. It's a completely different kettle of fish to a 9 month old and a 2 year old.

ETA: By then your in-laws will be in their 80's so of course you will again be a completely different situation to your BIL.

Edited

Correct and fair. And I think the latter has dawned on me, which makes me realise we will sit and watch them have all the help and miss out. Ie driving to do school runs and accompanying them on staycations and holidays but the answer to us is no. Also why they stopped themselves when they said how ‘everyone needs a break’ when talking about their latest trip away without kids.

Their youngest is only 3 years older than our eldest but the gap between their eldest and our youngest is 7.5 years. We also have this theory they’re totally exhausted from looking after the other two grandchildren, BIL/SIL would routinely rock up to PIL house every month, no lift a finger, ask for school run help, invite them up once a month, a holiday every year, the eldest has adhd and after 6/7 years of it they’re exhausted. No where to be seen now… kids are older, manageable and have weekend commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:15

Strikeback · 30/06/2025 18:05

I'm listening to the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins at the moment and it has lots of stuff about life not being fair and how to be more active and less passive. Highly recommend. Yes it's annoying (I had years of SIL saying ooh I could never put my kids in childcare, well she never had to) and I don't think it's uncommon, if you have moved to London, to have no help - but you will be a stronger person for having had to work things out yourself.

Love this!!! Saw her on TV recently and was impressed. Will listen. Yes I’ve brought myself up and I shouldn’t stop digging deep now! I just love a bit of free time but going to arrange myself a visit to a friend later on this summer and have a weekend to myself.

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Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:18

charabang · 30/06/2025 18:12

Personally I'd advise against asking your sister in law if she's only just got her own off her hands. Maybe see if she offers.

She has offered but I would wait until they’re a bit older. As PP pointed out, by the time we have the DCs 5 and 7 yeats old, and old enough to stay with PiL they will be in their 80s. So if SiL is offering now, we will hold off 4 more years and ask for the odd bit of help. She offers now all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:23

allofusare · 30/06/2025 18:12

Bear in mind you’re at one of the hardest points re the ages of your children.

My mum died when I was 17, then dad died very suddenly when I was 24. So I always knew I wouldn’t have any help from my parents if I was going to have children! I miss them but I guess in some ways it’s easier than if they were around and could help but wouldn’t. PIL are lovely but they are very much for emergencies, they don’t live close enough to be regular childcare.

Our solution has been to just wait to be honest. My youngest is 2 next month (I can say that for another day!) and DS is 5 in December. They are a lot easier than when one was three and one was still a baby. I think when they are three and five I’ll be smiling and six and four I’ll be laughing.

When people post the oh just you waits about teens I often wonder if they are people who had a lot of support from their own parents to navigate the early years especially the under 3s!

So sorry you lost both of your parents so close together and at such pivotal moments in your life.

Good point! I just can’t see how having teens is anywhere near as stressful as having a 9 month old, teething, not speaking, frustrated as he wants to move more freely, screams blue murder when hungry or tired. I find my 2.5 year old easier now than 9+ months onwards. At least at 2.5 (almost 3) he out of nappies now for 6 months, out of a cot so I can snuggle in a bed with him if he can’t sleep, he can navigate the stairs, speak well, feed himself. Just need the tantrums when he’s tired and hungry to stop, and tantrums over getting his way but that’s all exasperated by tiredness and hunger. The one element which IS tough at his age is his desire to speak non stop, mainly demanding things like snacks, tv, reading him books, getting him things on repeat but also asking questions and such. It can become overly stimulating when managing a baby!

OP posts:
BlueOysterCultGroupie · 30/06/2025 20:27

Honestly, you just have to crack on. We've never had help, our children now teens and yes it is hard and yes I felt/feel jealous... right down to the ILs that did it all with the other GC and nothing for us, but that's just how it is sometimes.

Commiserations though because it feels very lonely.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:30

CanterburyRoadBlock · 30/06/2025 18:20

It's not a race to the bottom...but some people have it worse, I am a lone parent to 2 sons, have been for 9 years. My Father is estranged and unsafe, my Mother is uninterested unless I do the heavy lifting (driving, organise). I bought a home a year ago which needed much more work than first realised, I've had to do it all alone, working full time with one disabled child. I work in a fairly middle class industry, and I view family support and another form of wealth.

You have to accept and adapt. Do not expect change from anyone else, rely on yourself. It's not ideal, but it's the card that's been dealt and you will can build from there. You are not alone, although it's easy to feel that way when you see others with support, but you're not.

100% agree. Family support IS a form of wealth. It’s funny because if you post on instagram you’ve gone away with grandparents people see it as wholesome but if you only ever go away as a small family unit without help and splash out on business class flights or a top hotel and childcare, it’s seen as gauche. I see them as two of the same.

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Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:35

TonerNeedsReplacing · 30/06/2025 18:27

I get it Op. We had no help from my parents or in laws but our siblings with slightly older children got huge amounts. It was hard not to be resentful, particularly when siblings would moan about how hard they had it, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

All you can really do is work out what bits bother you the most and try and get coverage. If you are going to pay £4k for nursery I would have a look at live in Nannie’s if you have the room, it may not be much more expensive all in. And it is a lot easier and flexible to manage around jobs.

that was the route we went down by the way and the (very few) child free nights we have had away were covered by her.

Great idea. And thanks for sharing that you have similar experiences. I think it’s the minuscule age difference between their youngest and my eldest and knowing we were always a whisker away from help. The weekends away they’re having every 8 months will go on and on until PIL are just too tired and then when it’s our turn they will turn us away. This keeps happening…. When their DCs were our age it was family holidays but that’s stopped now.

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WhichOneIsPosher · 30/06/2025 20:39

AntiHop · 30/06/2025 14:39

You just get on with it. Dh and I have zero outside help. We both work full time. We've never has a night away from the kids, and probably 5 nights out in the lady 10 years.

This. My DCs have no grandparents left ( last one passed away when my youngest was only 7). In the last 15 years we have had a total of two separate nights away.

I know people who would drop their kids off at one of their parents then jet off for a long weekend in a different country. Was I envious? Sure, i would have loved that, plus for my kids to have that experience of growing up with grandparents in their lives but it is what it is.

Our time will come and I have my bucket list sorted!

ForPlumReader · 30/06/2025 20:39

Most people in your situation are aware of how it is going to be before they have DC. While others were getting help from their parents we were having to help ours out as well as raising our DC. It's not an exaggeration to say it was unbelievably tough, but when you're in the middle of it you just get on with it. Maybe we were lucky in that we had no expectations of help.

Original poster
tangerinemagic · 30/06/2025 20:40

Minecroft · 30/06/2025 18:44

Zero help here. Literally zero. Two kids a year a part. Terrible sleepers. It’s a long hard slog and we are resigned to having no “us” or “me”
time and being shattered all the time. We have paid for holiday clubs in the past and this year are attempting to “tag team” through the summer hols. I worked 6am-1pm today! I’m so tired. People with copious help have no idea.

How old are yours now?

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