No family support, anyone else? Help me find solutions.

[tangerinemagic]

Feeling alone and exhausted. We have 2 kids, 2 years apart: youngest is 9 months (crawling, fussy), eldest nearly 3 (terrible twos).

Both parents useless, dead or alive. One has passed, but wasn’t any help when alive. My mum is alive but may as well not be, only met my eldest once 2 years ago, has never met youngest, won’t visit, and her house isn’t safe for kids. She’s an alcohol and mental health problems, possibly the most draining self centred person you could imagine and all caused by my late father who abused her emotionally and rumoured, physically but no idea if that’s her wild imagination or the truth. Don’t care at this point, she has failed me as a mother since the day I was born and I’ve been left with troubled siblings which only adds to my stress. Yes I have by now distanced myself/cut them off for my own sanity…

In-laws (mid-70s) are helpful with other grandkids (now 6+ and up to uni age) but say how much harder it is now at their age and find it hard to help as much as they did with the other grandkids (19, 16, 8, 6). They live 2 hours away but will happily drive 2 hours to BIL’s to do school pick-ups, give dinner, and drive home just because BIL/SIL are working late and “don’t trust anyone else.” But visiting us in London? “Too much traffic.” It is straight motorways to BIL but their only solution when we say we’re struggling is “come to us.”

When we do, we get fed and it’s nice to have a change of scenery, kids like the big garden and not worrying about food is nice, but help is minimal: no mornings, no overnights, no weekends without us. We’re still hands-on, plus have to pack for 5 (including the dog), deal with travel car sickness, overtired kids, and disrupted routines. Yesterday we left at 6.30pm, home by 8.30pm, no one slept in the car, toddler vomited, everyone overtired. We walked back into a messy house because we’d been too busy packing to tidy before we left. Honestly, not worth it.

We get more help seeing local friends with kids, where toddlers play and people happily hold the baby. DH agrees but won’t push back when PIL suggest visiting them. Just says we only do it every couple of months, it’s manageable, the drive here is horrid hence why we don’t enjoy it and they’re old. We’ve discussed moving out of london and we will but in a few years time. What if we moved closer for the help and their age doesn’t stop being a factor?

Meanwhile, others I know have grandparents flying in from abroad to take grandkids at 6am so parents can lay in, having them for the weekend while grandparents go to weddings, 5 days at Glastonbury, and holidays of their own. Dream scenario. We have to pay for every minute of help to have any kind of life….. I’ve not found anyone who can do double bedtime successfully yet. Given the age of the DCs they just want mum and dad or grandparents would be ideal but here we are.

DH turns 40 later this year. PIL say they won’t have both DCs as a full weekend including bedtime and mornings is ‘too much’ in case they might be unwell or not sleeping for example and even still would only help if we drive up rather come here.

For context, 2 years ago for a child-free wedding we rebooked flights to leave from near PIL, dropped off DC1, (2+ hours), packed for him and Us, their nearest airport we could leave from was 90 min away and all in return for 2 night stay. They ignored our messages when it was going badly sleep-wise. Non stop worry. We’d have been better off paying a professional to stay at ours.

I’d love to ring “mum” for help but don’t have one, never have done. I made my peace but this weekend everyone seems to be off without DCs and we feel exhausted from visiting PIL.

Any advice? We don’t want an au pair as the house isn’t enourmous being in London and someone would drive me mad living here, but I’m starting to think we need to hire someone so we can stop begging family for scraps of help and finally get a break.

what have others done in this scenario? No siblings my side as I established but DH has an older sister who is almost an empty nested, eldest off to uni in September. So left with her 16 year old. Could be an option but we’ve never asked.

I agree with the reframing and it is what I do and it does help.

Also I flat out said to some of my close friends that I found it a bit hard hearing about their wonderful child free holidays etc and please could they bear it in mind. Obviously I haven't said that to more casual friends but my close friends get it

We never had any parental "help" with our 2 children as we lived too far away from all the grandparents. One set had our two kids for 3 days when they were 8 and 5. The other set had them for about 5 days in the school summer holidays for a few years when they were at primary school.

We never went on a childfree break apart from that one 3 day occasion mentioned above.

I did baby sitting swaps with other Mums, or paid friends au pairs to baby sit for evenings out.

You seem a bit obsessed OP, like you're allowing it to really piss you off whereas in reality your situation isn't in the least bit unusual.

What are you struggling with? Sympathy? I didn’t ask for any so you’re fine there. Just wondering how others navigated it and clearly stated twice now I’ve made my peace with it.

Yep I’m where you have been at some short stages in your life. We are allowed to be pragmatic and accepting of our cards we are dealt but also allowed to look on at times and think you lucky folk don’t know how lucky you are. I’m sure once they’re all grown it’s a distant memory. I don’t feel like this often but can’t help but scratch my head when I’m washing the car seat of sick at 10pm and feeding my 2.5 year old dinner at 9pm, poor guy.

I don't want to be rude but this sort of comment pisses me off. You did have family help. I would love grandparents to take them for a week every year, that's loads and you could have used it to go away if you had wanted to but even staying at home, you still got an annual week to yourselves.

That isn't the same as having no support at all.

Your children are at the most hands-on exhausting ages, grandparents are mid-70s. I’m not surprised they’ve said they find it hard to cope. There’s a big difference in helping with a 6+ year old who only needs after school care.

We had no help from parents, particularly as it became clear DC had additional needs and less easy to look after. This also meant that a lot of other childcare didn't work - summer playschemes didn't work as I would need to pick up after an hour, or not be able to leave DC at all.

All the poster saying to suck it up may not be wrong but you asked for solutions. What we did that worked was
Have a couple of trusted nursery workers babysit a couple of times a year.
Have DC friends over a lot, so I was less embarassed about asking for help when I needed it (playdate after school type help).
Tag team parenting - so you at least get some alone / free time. Very little time together as parents but it does help a bit.
Made friends with parents in a similar boat, created a network where we helped each other out.

I never returne to a proper job, I am self employed and work at home. This was not my original plan but it has been much better for me and the family.

DC is now 17 and my parents missed out on spending time with a wonderful human but that was very much their loss.

I think most of the upset here is your understandable jealousy of your ILs. I would try to separate that from the practical problems.

We have a child with substantial SEN and long ago stopped being able to have childcare from GPs. Our solution is to tag team. Time away together is a luxury we don't have, it's that simple. Life is not awful, it's just different.

Things that work for us:

• I take a night or two away by myself while DH has the children
• taking one child each at weekends. The one with the easier child is having a bit of a rest!
• when they are little, early bedtime, wine and a takeaway together. Especially nice in the garden in summer. Just Eat will bring you lots of restaurant quality food these days.
• For holidays get a villa or an aparthotel so you have a little separation from the kids. Especially good in teenage years. Giving them separate bedrooms is also good for family harmony when old enough. You can get AI in an aparthotel.
• Build shared interests with the children. Take kids to things you like, get them into what you are into. I go to the theatre with my teenage daughter rather than my husband. She likes it, he is not that fussed and would only be keeping me company anyway.
• Shared rituals. Crossword and a bottle of wine, film night. A regular babysitter once a month and you go out for a meal.

You can do "time in" with your spouse without childcare, and you can have a break from the children without your spouse. It just might be difficult to combine those 2 things together for a while (18 years and counting for us...!). And I get that it must be very galling to feel your ILs give their other child more help than they give you and your husband. But this is your life, you can make it work for you and enjoy every day you can with your husband, unpaid childcare or not.

Your social circle sounds unusual.

Mine - no one really has super regular childcare help from grandparents but everyone apart from us can call on grandparents for a wedding or a week over the summer, a child free long weekend once or twice a year at minimum.

A couple in our circle had a fairly remote childfree wedding and of the 24 couples invited, we were the only ones who didn't have grandparents willing and able to look after their children.

Similarly our removals company were just totally thrown by us having our two small children with us - they just kept saying "but why didn't you leave them with grandparents?' because they didn't offer..

And that was exactly my question….. what have others in this situation done re support.

DC1 is only 3 years younger to almost the exact date to BILs DC2. Yet with them they accompanied them to Cornwall twice. When DC1 was 8 months we rented a decent sized Airbnb down there and had friends visit us, we offered PIL and they said they didn’t fancy it as wasn’t enjoyable the last time doing the travel with BIL. Again they’re driven up to theirs to do school run so many times we thought they’d at least come see us once in a while even with our support when here. BIL/SIL now get one weekend away every 8 months without DCs and MIL said it’s not often but everyone needs a break. Then realised what she had said and backtracked. The time before last we stayed with PIL they said ant dinner they had loads of help when they had DCs from parents, and the next morning corrected themselves and said they realise it wasn’t the best thing to say but I hadn’t really thought about it.

Love all these suggestions. Thank you! I hadn’t thought about a 4-6 week au pair. That’s a great idea, just enough time to learn the ropes, children get used to them, and just when the downsides creep in it’s surely coming to the end.

You simply cannot rely on grandparents for help. Nice if you get ig but it isn't a right. People in their mid 70s can't be expected to cope with a 9 month old and a 2 year old.

Honestly, the first thing you need to do is change your mindset or you will never be able to let go. I didn’t read your whole OP because I think the honest reality is you don’t have support and knew the situation before having children. Jealousy and comparison will just fester and you’ll be stuck in a negativity cycle.

Your feelings are valid. But try and remember how extremely lucky you are to have 2 beautiful kids. Some people would love to be you. Maybe they have experienced loss or infertility, this is why comparison isn’t worth it as you will always have it better or worse than others

Next would be to move forward and accept you’ll have less time away from the kids.

My DH has a night a week with his mates or to himself, same as me.

Make use of the fact you have each other - you both don’t need to be in together every evening

Make use of free nursery hours if your kids don’t go yet, try and find a reliable baby sitter for the odd date nights

I was a single parent until eldest was 16, worked full time with an abusive family.

I made a network - mainly through an active community church I went to. I was a teacher so I could offer to do some days in holidays.
Get to know other mums of kids the same age.

This stage is hard for the majority of parents but you're right some people do have amazing family support in place and it's not unreasonable to feel sad and even resentful when your own situation is so different.

Having said all that, if you're in your late thirties as your post suggests and your kids are under 3 I'm guessing you've had a fair few years living life responsibility free? I would cling to that and plough on. Maybe book a regular professional babysitter so you can plan a few night's out to break things up and repeat the mantra 'the days are long but the years are short' till you're through this tough stage. Good luck.

I think its quite sad all the comments about expecting help. It's not an expectation as such but a hope. I was at my granny's every single Saturday in the holidays. It was good for me and good them. In fact studies show grandparents who are close with grandchildren live longer!
I'd have thought my parents would have wanted to do similar with my children/their grandchildren. Even more so when you have parents who say 'we can't wait to be grandparents'. I don't think wanting 1 night away a year is unreasonable op and I think you've got a very hard time on here. I find it very sad families don't seem to club together nowadays. I know the grandparent I hope to one day be, is not the ones my kids have.

If your kids don't have sen it'll get much easier as they get older and you'll see friends who can do mutual baby sits but for now the p.o who said about date nights indoors advise some fantastic ideas.

I do agree except they say all the time they don’t see the DCs enough, they’re growing up fast, they wish they lived closer, why don’t you come up for help x100… it’s crazy they can’t travel for 2 hours by car if it’s so important. They are retired and as I say do plenty for BIL.

I understand and hear you. My parents have never had my kids, just didn't want to and now too old. You just feel like you've no support. No solutions just solidarity.

Our parents were early/ mid 70s when ours were little and we rarely asked for childcare. Instead, we gave each other a break. One of us would take both children out so the other could stay home and tackle jobs. Alternatively, one of us looked after both so the other could go it for the day and see friends. It can be done.

We have never had any help. We go away separately with friends to have a break.

One positive thing is that you can do everything your own way. So many people who rely on help have to compromise on things, it’s nice not to have to do that. It is nice to be independent

I know this isn't quite what you're asking but as a one off, we went on holiday as kids with my much older cousin acting as an au pair to give my mum a break. 20 years later my sister went to stay and look after the cousin's small children for a week. If your SIL has dc off to uni they might be up for earning some money in the holidays?

Are dc in nursery? One of the staff may be happy to do regular babysitting.

We just get on with it. No help. 3 kids. About 2 nights out together in the past decade. It's just life with kids, and we chose to have them! It was my 40th on Saturday - family day out and home for cake and film.

Quite dramatic. Don’t know how you worked that one out. I’ve clearly said I made my peace with it but several examples this weekend on top of clearing up my child’s sick at 10pm last night from the car and having him not get home (without sleep) until 8.30pm and giving him toast for dinner at 9pm made me question whether the support we do get is worth the hassle. I’m not obsessed.

I really dont want to be mean but OP @tangerinemagic you really need to get on with it.

We did - in London - NO HELP, grandparents passed away or an 11 hour flight away and
I really didnt expect anyone to help me raise MY kids. My DDs are now 11 and 8
and I am still alive.

You sound a bit entitled. Sorry.

I hope
things get better for you.

What if we moved closer for the help

Would they even want you to?! I feel sorry for lots of these retired grandparents who are expected to do childcare whether they've expressed any desire to or not!

My grandparents did no childcare for us but we saw them loads-the come for dinner or we'd go there or all go out for the day. Maybe that's the sort of grandparent they want to be.